How many times do we stand on the precipice looking back at what was, then forward to what could be? Behind me I see different areas of my life in small little peices like a puzzle. Some are beautiful, some breathtaking, some are blank and dead, and some are just ugly. Then when you look forward you see all of the same things. When does going back to the familiar, the known, the devil you know become so unbearable that you step forward and embrace the fear of the unknown? For me I was living like that, on the precipice every day not being able to be better then I was. The devil I knew was more familiar and seductive.... oh how easy would it be to just stay....The familiar lies I would tell myself, it will get better, it can't be like this forever, I can make it through this. I lived that vcious circle for a long long time. So many times I chose the devil I knew. For me it was when I couldn't stand feeling empty anymore that I realized I had to choose. I choose to be happy or content, I choose to try and see the good in people, I choose to be positive.......all of that sounds great right? It would be if life didn't have to be so unpredictable. (wait isn't that what makes it fun?)
I have known for a long time that I am a submissive. Apparently the BDSM test would agree with that idea. But no matter what I read I still was struggling with what does that mean? It seems there is a general description of what a submissive is which I view as a guideline. In my opinion and some others that I have read being a submissive is different from person to person. My definition is likely very different then the next persons, and that is ok. I am going to march to the beat of my own drummer. However some of my thoughts might be a little off.
I described it to the very first Dom/Master that thought he should own me after 45 minutes of texting. Ohh his confidence and attempt to be Dominant was appealing. My desire to please in the end could be a downfall for me.
I was new to the scene and googled an adult chat room. (lol be careful when you do that.) Here's me, way to naive to be going into a place like that looking for something that I can't even explain. What a shit show that was. The very first question I was asked by a "Dom"....."Is cunt owned?" Well yes by me. Question 2. "Who owns cunt?" Well I suppose that would be me again. I shave it, wash it, wipe it.... yep me. Finally I get "How are you?" All I can think to myself is pardon me? Were you just polite? hmmmm. maybe I shouldn't run quite yet....I think I might be able to learn something here. So we started talking. One other Dom was able to get past the first few texts that I didn't tell off. We will call the "insecure whiney" and "Are you for real". Insecure whiney had enough perseverance to make it an entire 45 minutes of my incessant questions and incoherant description of what i was looking for. I am looking for someone stronger then me. (pretty vague) I am tired of being in control of everything. (that's a little better right) I want to be bound and used. (Whoop there it is) From that moment the pressure was on to see how far I could be pushed. Apparently I did well enough because I was offered a collar right there then told to take it. (really? Are you serious? You barely know me.) So not knowing any better I wouldn't take a collar but would be obedient until I felt comfortable to take a collar. I did learn a lot from "insecure whiney" in the time I was getting to know him. I like to please. Wait no I need to please. One more time pleasing gets my wet. Really wet. like go wash yourself up wet. Hmmm This went on for about a week and I realized that I am not what he wants nor was he what I want. (I did learn some things from him that I will share later.) I explaind it to him like this. I am submissive and I want to please but if I feel that I am stronger than you I will become a hunter and you will be the prey. Yikes!!! I apologized for wasting his time due to naivety and let him know that we are not a fit.
Now I have texted a few words here and there nothing substantial, more small talk then anything with "Are you for real". At first I didn't really pay much attention. He was a very subtle Dom. Sweet, respectful, kind.... here is comes.....soft. BOOM You have hit the friend zone hard dude. I bet there are things I can learn from you though and you are quite intellegent...hmmm that is attractive... lets keep talking to get to know eachother. Still in the friend zone though. After small talk texting for a few days he asks about lingerie. Well I am a granny panty wearing comfy bra kind of girl. Fresh out of a marriage with a giant can of "Fuck Off" to share with everyone. But I answer the question anyways. Nope I don't have lingerie, no stocking, tights, garter belts, nothing. He asks if I ever go without panties. Nope I don't want my vagina to freeze. His response "Do you have any tights?" The answer is the same as the lingerie question nope that is not something I would buy. His response "Well you should have some to keep you warm in the cold." Double take what? Did you just imply something like I should go buy some? I say "that isn't something I would spend my money on" his reply was something along the line of "If I was your Dom it would be my job to take care of you" HOLD the PHONE. That was really sweet. Awe even I had to take note of that. 😄 Of course he had my email address because that is how we found eachother on a different social networking app. So we talked for a while that night. Very nice conversation. Nice being the kiss of death most of the time. I used to get bored with nice guys when I was young.
I went to bed and that was that, I will likely never see this guy again. Let's check my email as usual. Crap, junk, advertisements.......wait what is this; the subject reads "bet you didn't think I would remember". If this is a phishing scam I am about to jump in. Open the email and it is a gift from him! WTF!! It is a gift certificate for some warm tights! Are you freaking kidding me? Stunned. Seriously I was stunned. I didn't actually think that he would forget, I thought he was full of shit trying to play me. What is this very strange feeling I have.... gratitude? Shock, Awe, Wet? Yep all of them plus a double dose of WET. hmmmm so this guy actually gave enough of a shit about me to get me tights so I can be warm? You might be asking yourself if I did anything to get him to do this. Nope I didn't ask, give pictures, money, hand job, nothing. This is new...
Here is my introduction to the Gentleman/Daddy Dom. Here is part of what has been missing in my life. I spend so much of myself caring for others that I forget to take care of me. And this guy that I hardly know does a better job at taking care of me then me. Lets talk. I am so greatful that you have my full attention. (We are not talking expensive tights more like 3 pairs for $20 but still nice ones that aren't super cheap) After a long while of getting to know eachother he mentions wanting me to be his submissive.... why are my panties so wet. Did I spill something. Nope I am Hot, Wet, and Wanting!! My confusion must have been apparent because he noticed. He never pushed which was great. He helped me come to my own conclusions about what I wanted. He would just gently remind me sometimes that he would be honored to have me as his submissive. I was shocked and overwhelmed that I found myself thinking about him all of the time. Still no pictures, video, or any other requests. Just getting to know eachother. Limits, boundaries, past experiences, everything you can think of. This is the single most intamate relationship I have ever been in. All II can think about is how to please this Dominant man. I will be the first to admit I didn't see his strenght at first. But eventually did. He had a name he would call me and I would do just about anything he wanted. All I could think about was pleasing him.
I asked him how becoming his submissive would happen. Do you ask m, do I ask you.... What is protocal here. I am to formally request him to accept me as his submissive. Sounds reasonable to me. About a week after that I formally ask. Now comes the fun part!!!! Yep we are talking orgasm after orgasm after you guessed it soul searing orgams. I am long past being in lust with this man. My Sir.
Then the untinkable happens. I am a good girl and do everything I am asked/told without question or hesitation. At this point I am already thinking of things I can do to suprise him. What kind of lingerie to buy for me to wear for him? I must be broken. Three days go by and I haven't heard from him...now four.... now 6.... on the 7th day (feel kinda like something biblical is about to happen) I am released. Remember that precipice in the beginning of the story? I stood there in my best wonder woman pose and lept off. I chose to submit! Me! Pigs are flying somewhere. Now I am being released. He explains that he has become very busy and will not have the amount of time I deserve to spend with me so he is releasing me. If after the Holidays things slow down he will come back and find me. If I am in another situation he will understand. I choose to believe that he did it because I deserve more. But part of me fears it was me. What i am quite sure of is that I will not see him again.
So now I have to again figure out what submissive means to me.
I am strong, I can be a hunter when necessary, but being obedient is what really gets my motor going, allowing someone else to take control of part of my life but not all of it..... Maybe that is what being submissive means to me. A submissive is many things.
