Can someone explain...?

Can someone explain...?

kinky kitten​(sub female) • Oct 29, 2019

Can someone please explain to me whether or not I have the right idea?
Being Dominant does not mean being controlling.
Am I right about this?
Thanks in advance!
Kinky Kitten

djinni​(dom female){smplylaura} • Oct 29, 2019

It depends on what you've negotiated with the Dominant. There are some that are micromanagers, and they require the submissive to get permission to do anything. From what brands to buy at the grocery store, when they can come and go, all the way to when they can use the bathroom. Financial control is not uncommon. What in particular do you consider "controlling"?

Duke Montefort​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2019

I'm a micromanager, but realistically micromanaging is best done short term. Long term constant micromanaging usually causes the most submissive people to buck or crack. It doesn't turn out well. However Djinni is right. What you negotiate is your control. Once control is given if you take it back. They will take it personally. Honestly female dominants can almost get a blank check, but not entirely. Do to the onslaught of suitors. However, they have to filter through a plethora of suitors. Female submissive tend to have a strong negotiations, but not nearly as much as female dominants.
If you like pet play and want to be puppy. Then he starts treating you like a maid instead of a puppy then he is doing wrong. However, if he's treating you like a pet. He might just be expanding your idea of puppy play. Then you might need to merge provided it's not dangerous. It easy for two people to be talking about the same thing from different worlds/perspectives. When your illusion bubble pops usually both at the same time. It gets touchy, but this is due to a failure in negotiations and a lack of organizing and understanding.

John Brownstone​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2019

Being a Dominant means being in control not controlling.

djinni​(dom female){smplylaura} • Oct 29, 2019

@ JohnBrown this is why I asked what her definition of controlling is. Often with inexperienced subs or people who don’t do real research on the lifestyle they like to throw around buzzwords... controlling, abuse, wanna be Dom, because they’ve been asked to do something that they don’t want to do or make them uncomfortable. Things that would seem completely normal for a lifestyle experienced D/s couple. I’m not saying this is the case (as I don’t know the story of why she’s asking).... I do think that more info needs to be given so that the comments can reflect the actual situation.

Bobi​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2019

The difference between dominant and domineering is that dominant is ruling; governing; prevailing; controlling while domineering is overbearing, dictatorial or authoritarian (and often used in a negative tone).

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Oct 29, 2019

Like stated above it depends on what you mean by controlling and what the agreement/arrangement is between the Dom and sub.

Some Doms control every aspect of the sub’s life while others simply take on a Caregiver role. I think most Doms fall somewhere between those two but it’s a spectrum.

That being said; dominant and controlling are not synonymous. So being ‘dominant’ doesn’t mean being ‘controlling’, but a Dominant often likes to have control of his/her sub and especially of himself/herself.

Also, being a controlling bossy jerk doesn’t make one a Dom. A Dominant is the leading influential partner, but one can lead by example or simply with a look. A Dominant often radiates authority and doesn’t have to demand it.

John Brownstone​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2019

I liken Dominance to being a leader. What kind of leader would you prefer to follow? One who believes in respect. communication, trust. A leader that wouldn't ask of someone something they weren't willing to do themselves? A leader that values others input and is open to compromise. A leader that earns respect and trust.

or

A leader that demands respect and trust but does nothing to earn it. A leader that demands things are done their way and there is no other way to do them. A leader that is not willing to communicate but doesn't listen either.

That is the difference between being in control and con rolling.

A Dominant that is in control of a sub is also in control of themselves.

SirPain​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2019

One of the things that I have come to learn, as a Dominant, is that relationships change. By being "controlling" I prevent that change. By being "in control" I have the ability to see that change and act upon it. This doesn't mean that my dominance may be any different but that I will adapt to the changing environment.

This may take place in several ways. My submissive may be a light masochist in the beginning and then wish to experiment with somewhat heavier masochism. Eventually to become a full masochist, allowing me to do whatever I wish.

On the other hand my submissive may be a service sub and may wish to remain only a service sub, while I might want her to move on to other things. Again, I have to accommodate my submissive because, as some may not know or understand, the sub is the one who is actually in charge (I know there will be some Doms who will disagree with this so, please, no flaming me).

There are many very long term Dom/sub relationships and I'm sure these have worked hard at remaining in their relationship. There are also times when the relationship changes (over time) and the D/s relationship falls apart, while the whole "intimate" relationship remains intact (this is what happened to my wife and I. I was her Master, but now we are just husband and wife). While she knows that I desire to remain in the lifestyle, her desire has changed due to her public image). I will say that my wife understands my desire to remain in the lifestyle and even supports me in this desire, even though she is now full vanilla due to her job putting her so much in the eye of the public domain, which if she were still in the lifestyle could possibly have very damaging effects on her position.