4 days ago • Mon 13 Jan 2020 05:40:14 PM IST
ambicurious • Mon 13 Jan 2020 05:40:14 PM IST
"Depends where you live and who you interact with, friend. Submissive doesn't mean weak or lacking confidence..."
Quite right. And I didn't mean to imply that I hold that view. I should have added more qualifiers, or just rewritten my comment to make myself more clear.
One of the ladies indicated that she doesn't see a lot of submissive men around, online, or otherwise, that they seem reticent to declare themselves more openly as submissives and are thus not so easy to find, or words to that effect.
And I am sure you are right that it depends where you live and who you interact with. Those of us who are open minded, and are somewhat familiar with power exchange relationships don't view submissive men as unmanly.
But most people live and work among people from the vanilla culture. And in the vanilla world there are plenty of people who know next to nothing about power exchange relationships and who think of sissy cuckolds or some such thing when they hear the term submissive male, and we know that doesn't describe all submissives. There are men who must maintain a certain image for their jobs, or else face demotion and discrimination. Companies can even make up reasons to fire you and you may not have any recourse. I am personally aware of how rumors can circulate and destroy one's chances at advancement, and even make it difficult to work effectively in one's current position. I had a one night stand with a transgender in 1989; she took me to a motel, one of those cheap ones with a hot tub in the room and mirrored walls and ceiling. I was a naive fellow back then. I have never been able to confirm it, but I believe I was photographed, perhaps videoed. You would think someone would have told me what was making my ears burn. But it seems no one wants to be the one to give you the news, they all want to leave it to someone else. Besides, I think most people thought I must already know and just didn't want to talk about it, and was just feigning ignorance.
What is the old saying? You can paint a fence and not be known as a fence painter, but suck one dick and you're a cocksucker forever. Every few years I could see the rumor pop up again here and there, at different jobs, in the faces and reactions of people I worked with, girlfriends who suddenly broke up with me with no explanation, etc. I hired a detective but he said "everyone likes you, you have nothing to worry about". I knew that wasn't true, but apparently he felt it was his job to make me feel better, not give me the truth. (A customer cryptically told me once "Better watch out, somebody might kill you." I asked why and she said "I ain't saying nothing." The detective told me the girl thought I was a great guy.)
If this had not happened to me, I would not believe it could be possible to have your life turned upside down like that, and for everyone to keep you in the dark. I knew that people were not being candid and honest with me, but I couldn't do anything about it. It became very depressing. I tried contacting people in the gay world to ask for help in finding out what had happened, but nobody I talked to was willing to get involved, or they acted as though they thought I had issues, wasn't being honest with them, and so on. That one night stand was dysphoric for me and wasn't something I wanted to repeat, even before the crap hit the fan. I was eventually diagnosed with chronic pain after an MRI showed a back injury and retired from work early. Perhaps I could have worked longer with narcotic pain meds, but the combination of pain and the mysterious issues I faced at work were too much. My company put me on disability.
I related that story only to make the point that I am sure there are submissive men who live and work in the vanilla world, and are aware of how submissives are perceived and talked about in that world, and don't want to risk anyone finding out about their kink. It doesn't matter what is true, only what people believe to be true, and how those perceptions may impact their lives. I am not saying it is right, or fair, just that realities must be faced squarely.
If you live and work among people who are enlightened and you would not be negatively impacted should your preference become known, then you should count yourself fortunate. But not everyone is that fortunate. I know attitudes have changed, especially in the last decade, but the newer attitudes are by no means universal, and men don't want to face unnecessary negative issues at work. And there may also be serious social issues, depending upon circumstances.
I think there would have to be total trust between the submissive and the female dominant for the relationship to work. I mentioned I was in contact with one lady who broke a rule we had agreed upon before I even met her. It was actually a rule she had suggested, or promised, i.e. that she would never ask me for money. How could I trust someone like that?
I am sure my life is a cautionary tale to people who know the details of which I am still in the dark. Nobody wants to risk being me.
And if submissive males are harder to find, that may be a reason.