I'm having trouble I am new to the male dom scene and been In this relationship for 7 months.... my sub is mentally traumatized and abused from her last dom/husband and they are still married just haven't been together in about 8 9 years... she keeps thinking she is in trouble for things that she does and mentally beats her self up and starts to cry for things that her last dom conditioned her not to do or things that she is supposed to be doing but these things don't upset me and dont pertain to me......she always thinks I'm upset with her and I don't want her feeling this way.... she can't understand why it's like this and gets upset ....he lives like a shadow in her mind as she calls it her monster and it's getting in between us I love my baby girl and want to help her over come this I could use some advise any help would be great ....any training and conditioning tips would greatly be Appreciated as well
Much of the solution is chemical; oxytocin. Simply put, touch. Prolonged skin on skin contact increases the pair bond to you and drives the others out. You need to be hyper aware of what the beginnings of her triggers look like. In my experience, you can see this in a sub's body language long before it shows up in their conscious mind. Little things like a shudder, goosebumps, tensing up, gasping... these are all little signs that you may have hit a previous trigger or conditioning.
Slow down, stop, and replace whatever you're doing with loving touch. Be that protector that submissives crave, and exude a calm, assertive presence that lets her know silently that you are there to watch over her. Keep this up, just being there, listening, holding until you get positive feedback from her mind and body that tells you she is relaxed again.
Then talk. Tell her what you noticed; for example 'I noticed that when I rubbed your ribs like that, you tensed up...' Don't interrogate, let her talk and try to tell you in her own words what the trigger was and how she felt. If she stumbles or hesitates, stop again, tell her it's ok and to take her time, and go back to the silent cuddles. If she's not ready to share that, she's not ready.
When she shares, take note of all of what she says. Don't just think, 'OK... I won't ever touch her ribs again... done.' Think and reflect instead on what having her ribs touched does to her head. What is she feeling? What is she worried will happen next? Guide her away from those negative thoughts by showing her love and safety in those moments that she knows only abuse and fear.
Be particularly aware of this phenomenon during any sort of rougher or darker play as well. If your punishments or sadism mimic that of the ex, the effects will be far greater than you realize, and you can send her to a place where she's just a quivering mess that can't even verbalize to safeword. Same as above.. always keep a part of your brain reserved and rational, no matter how into the scene you are. That part should always be watching her for the early signs of trauma.
You don't need to fix her. You just need to be there for her while she fixes herself.