Why are dominant women the smallest demographic in BDSM?

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Jan 6, 2021

I know that the original query referenced submissive men and Dominant women, but I found myself thinking as I was reading all of the comments up to here, “ As I flip through the situations of the Dominant women I know well, so many of them are with people who identify as female submissives. I’ve also run into many Dominant ‘women’ who are totally Pan- and each time they’re in a new dynamic- I wouldn’t be able to guess the gender assignment of their new partner.
I only bring this up because if we are presuming that Dominant women are the unicorns on these sites- perhaps we need to cast a wider net than searching for them in relation to their male submissive partners.
Oddly enough, in all the years I spent on Fetlife in a House comprised mainly of Dominant females - I’d have to say that so many identified as 100% lesbian- militantly - to the point where men of any kind were not welcomed in their social circles at all.
Coming here was really the first time I interacted with heterosexual, bisexual or pan sexual Dominant women.
Every single Dominant woman I’ve spoken to knows plenty of other Dominant women who simply prefer not to be on a BDSM website
- whether it’s because - yes, in fact, male submissives( as someone said so many should ID as bottoms and I can attest it’s aggravating AF when you expect one thing and get the other)are irritating as hell, and so these women rightly prefer finding local people through local means so they can get better background on potential partners, or because generally they seem to prefer their privacy to putting themselves on stage; I have seen them handle both situations with admirable grace... I suppose I’m saying I feel fairly certain that finding and understanding Dominant women is nothing like doing the same of their male ‘counterparts.’ It is an entire planet- Dominant women and their ways and locations lol- orbiting the BDSM nucleus, and their planet needs to be looked at and approached with fresh eyes.
I’d also like to respond to this little thread I see running through the comments that suggests as long as a Dominant woman involved in BDSM has control of ‘her man’ even if he’s totally vanilla - that will suffice- yeah ummm I call bullshit.
What BDSM demographic is ever ok with settling? Especially for vanilla when they’re already well aware that that’s not what they want. I have NEVER met a Dominant woman whose been in a community for enough time to be sure BDSM is what and who they are tell me ‘ohh I just don’t want to be alone anymore, so I’m settling for- sorry I meant down, with this vanilla dude who lets me call the shots and I’m soooo happy about it.
Yup not everyone lives 24/7 BDSM. Yup many are strictly in the bedroom, but even those people who participate in BDSM at the minimal level DONT really wanttt to settle for vanilla even if they have ‘control.’ Omg I’m bored just considering that arrangement and I find something I can’t quite put my finger on very insulting about that idea.
Anyway- maybe you couldn’t find them HERE, but trust me they are everywhere.

honeybabyyy • Jan 6, 2021

I’m young and discovered I am dominant when my boyfriend submitted to me & I realized how open he was to bdsm. I’m new to this and I do see older femdoms who are more experienced at this than girls around my age.

However, I do see women my age who are “dominant” but may not openly talk about their femdom experience or seek new subs because it’s something they will only consider with their partner.

SissyPhantom​(sub femme) • Jan 6, 2021

Thank you for your unique perspective Virginie.
I am happy to hear there are a lot of Dommes in your area who are pan. One benefit of being on an international website is hearing about areas where I can move to
I have heard lovely things about LGBT and queer friendly spaces having so many diverse people who are free to be themselves and who don't care about gendered nonsense.
Obviously I haven't spoken to every Domme so experiences might vary based on location, however with the few Dommes I have talked to have decades of experience and it wasn't rare for them to also note there aren't many Dommes present in their local area as well (especially younger ones). Most were straight and as far as partners go traditionally masculine men were what they sought. I might barf if I see someone using the word alpha again to describe men.

I'm not sure whether this is addressing what Bonnie said. I can't speak for her but what I interpreted is that she meant Dominant as in non kinky woman who simply wants to call the shots in her relationship. The Female Led Relationship (FLR) women for example really want to distance themselves from being associated with BDSM, finding a vanilla man who lets them call the shots in the relationship wouldn't be settling for these women.

I believe Bonnie addressed this, a lot of sexually dominant women do not have trouble having their needs met with vanilla men, especially if it's considered minimal level BDSM. Whereas sexually submissive men are mostly met with disgust from vanilla women.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 6, 2021

I wasn't suggesting Domme women "settle" oh hell no! NO ONE SHOULD SETTLE THAT GOES FOR DOM/ME, SUB. VANILLA or the garden gate. I was just trying to politely word, that the method was good to fill the void till MrRight (Or MrsRight) could be found or fills a void if you are "willing" to settle for "almost" without commitment and sometimes you do find the right partner that is open. I was actually trying to avoid having the Domme sound like a bed hopper. Unfortunately even in this liberated day and age, women are still slut shamed.

@Virginie{lcpw} I'm glad you posted too. Its all to easy to forgot a different to us, demographic. I can get very one eyed when it comes to Femdom and I'm bi to top it off. I love it when I get reminded that I'm doing it again and forgetting the F/f component.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jan 6, 2021

Wow, i think there are some great and thoughtful replies to this.

Ditto those who point out that a lot of guys do not make a distinction between bottom and sub. i'm gay, but i was married to a woman (because of religious beliefs). One of the bigger frustrations, for both of us i suspect, was that we were both bottoms and i had some sub in me. i took the expected traditional role as 'top.' There was a time i thought if she would share the topping that it might help me 'get better.' Retrospectively i understand we were mismatched on many levels.

i think my sub parts are part of my nature (with only annecdote to support that0, i can trace it back to age 7 in my relationships. i'm also a scientist and see that homeostasis is something nature seems to work for. To me, the absence of homeostasis is illness and i think nature will work to correct that and restore balance. For instance, a lot of gays bemoan that there are more 'gay' bottoms than Tops. i have a theory that there are a lot of "gay' or "bi" tops in marriages to women, for lots of reasons. There are tons of married men, or guys with girl friends, on gay hook up sites.

my point is, i wonder how many Dommes are in traditional relationships and are satisfying parts of their self, and not others? Who, for many different reasons, are closeted and not non existent?

Being Honest...

MasterKit​(sadist female){Hmmm} • Jan 7, 2021

It's weird that I found this topic....even as I've spoken with a few of my friends on Zoom about this same thing. We did a test on this over the holidays. It was only AFTER 2 of us had been kicked from a well known BDSM site for using the word "Domme."...which we were told was a "point trigger"... My friend...I'll call her VIPER, was invited by a male dom and she invited me and the other ladies.

After all the bull the sites CS sent us via email about why our accounts were disabled...we decided to go a different route.

We signed up as male. And the options exploded!

As a female, we couldn't even register our titles. But as male, we were allowed to do so much more.

Of course, all 14 of us spammed each and every one of those sights with emails of disdain.

I digress...

The point is...some sites...places...thoughts...perceptions are that women are weak willed. This world is best with us not "participating" in this lifestyle.

You should see or hear the comments most dominant women receive at a simple request of being called "Master." Hell. I'll never forget the first time a sub called me "Master Kit" inside a local club. The looks. And yet other Dominant males pressed and felt the need to "make me submit"...kiss my ***...I earned my station.



Submission is a gift...and I never take it lightly.

-Akira

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Jan 7, 2021

People are awful!! That is fucking awful, fuck those "Men". Gross.

Also, anyone reading this right now thinking like that, please block me immediately and never "grace" me with your presence.

BeneathHerNow​(sub male) • Jan 7, 2021

I just look at it like this: that they are uncommon and rare and something to be treasured. A gift to be adored.

SissyPhantom​(sub femme) • Jan 7, 2021

@BeneathHerNow
I'd say I disagree with that. I really don't like it when I see men devalue their submission just because there's many of them. You've probably seen it online, the men who grovel to just about any dominant woman. To me that really cheapens their submission because it communicates "Any woman will do because I'm desperate".
It's a pet peeve of mine because I love a bit of pursuit from a Domme, for her to communicate indirectly or directly "I want you to be mine", rather than for me just to throw my submission at her because I'm not sure whether I will find another dominant woman. To me it's a give and take, I want to feel rewarded by earning her dominance, but I also want her to feel rewarded for earning my submission.

Putting dominant women on a pedestal because they're dominant is also wrong to me because then that cheapens their value as a multifaceted individual, at least that's how I see it. Also, desperation like that can set someone up for abuse.

I'm not saying you implied any of that, just sharing an opinion.

BeneathHerNow​(sub male) • Jan 7, 2021

I didn't take it that way so don't sweat it.
Maybe I'm just a glass is half full kinda guy.
And the rarity of something does make it more precious no matter what you say or I say. It is a fact.
The rarity of a Domme does make me not want to burn bridges or be an ass to them. Its not cheapening me, its common sense.