Weaponizing the tools The Cage gives us to protect ourselves

Weaponizing the tools The Cage gives us to protect ourselves

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Jan 15, 2021

First off because of some misperceptions of my own personal life I need to say: this is not about me, or for me- though like so many us I have fallen prey to it.
I do a lot of listening here, and I have many relationships that in a Venn Diagram would definitely have a ‘Mentor’circle.
This forum is about something I’ve been hearing a lot lately, and once I experienced it and the number of people who came to me having had experienced it as well went to nearly 10; I thought I should dive deeper.
The real subject of this forum is twofold: first the way people here have decided to go about using things like the block button- as a form of punishment, as a method to write out an attack on someone’s character without giving them the opportunity to respond, as a way of organizing their whole ‘clique’ to ‘block’ to undermine and weaken someone mentally and emotionally. The second part of this is peripheral, but I think will become apparent if it hasn’t already- there is a problem HERE with people supporting one another. You do not need to do or say something unkind to someone- even ‘just’ blocking them, to show support for a friend. That’s ludicrous in my opinion.( well all of this is imo.)
Not even five minutes ago I got a message from a friend who was in a ‘consideration’ position with a Dom. At heart I believe she’s a sweet girl with pure intentions, but she is well aware that she needs help learning to communicate her feelings before acting on them. I’ve listened to her long and hard and I’ve often thought she tends to rush into things romantically-well BDSM romance. The outcomes of her efforts supported my assessment and I’ve always been straightforward about my opinions with her. Believe me I didn’t need to be a detective to figure these things out. In fact- I’ve seen her write out her awareness of her issues in the live chat so really her impulsivity, and unsuccessful relationship outcomes are no secret. She needs guidance, and she’s well aware.
That said she is young, definitely in the demographic that would check off 18-25, and also she’s not very experienced with BDSM, relationships or intimacy.
I do consider her a friend and the reason I’ve said what some might see as disparaging things is because having those opinions hasn’t stopped me from coming to care for her, and I 100% believe that with the right support from more experienced subs- she would flourish.
Now- what would I do if she was beginning to get involved with say... a Dom friend of mine, and he was coming to me telling me about things between them, and not soon after- he was hurt, by her, because well, she has major trust issues so she tends to as I said- make impulsive decisions.
First of all- I would go to her and ask her to open up to him about her issues, and about the unlikely chance that she can trust anyone enough yet to make a real go of it. Depending on what she did or DIDNT do then- I would tell him to manage his expectations carefully.
I’m saying allllllll of this bc, imo, that is support.
Now back to the issue at hand.
What IS the thing that’s been happening so much instead of that ^^^^ lately?
Well say I decided to instead, use the things I knew about her to try and warn him away from her. Then when things didn’t work out- I went off half-cocked, armed with only his side of the story, wrote her an insulting message( to say the least) and then blocked her because I guess? I just wouldn’t care to hear another side of the story besides his. My judgement had been made. I decided that this woman- who as I said, is fairly open and acutely aware of her issues, and as such always lets potential Doms know that things need to move very slowly- had lost my respect and concern because her potential relationship with my friend the Dom, did not work out and now all I care about is saying my piece( to her and likely anyone else who will listen) so I block her- and while I’m at it I make a habit of making it impossible for anyone to communicate with me if I deem them unworthy for whatever reason, by clicking on a button originally designed for my own protection. I.e. I have now weappnized one of the safety features here- in addition to turning it into a PR machine as the gossip( true or false by it’s very nature- how can anyone know?) spreads and others begin to ignore, avoid, block and mute the woman in the story( and all of the other undesirable people I find)
When you BLOCK someone who is no threat to you- who poses no danger whatsoever, especially after you have just sent them a message that hurt them deeply- you are cutting off their voice. You are rendering them powerless to speak up for themselves, and to gain closure. The only option for them is to sit with uncomfortable feelings or go very public with the issue if they want to work through it instead of stuffing it down and hoping it will pass soon enough.
To my mind- using the safety features this site has put in place for things other than your safety- is just evil. Even if the situation is totally different, and someone is simply messaging you too frequently, or their messages are too long, or continued communication hurts you in some way... could you maybe think to ask them to stop first?
If it comes down to it- and it’s a relationship you are really done with- would it not be more fair to tell them, ‘hey listen I feel like I’m in a place where blocking you is my only option so if you want some closure here- now is the time because in about 2 hours I will be using that block button to spare me from anymore _______’
Why not at least try that? I shouldn’t have to say this but I hope it’s clear I am in no way referring to exercising one’s right to use the block button for any reason- except when it comes to using it purely to hurt, agitate, and silence someone who has done nothing to warrant such extreme action except- in your mind- something that you may find morally objectionable, or worse, something that has provided you with the opportunity to ‘stick up for your friend.’

Please ladies and gents, if someone you’ve had no direct relations with bothers you because of hearsay- to the point you are thinking of taking some action against them when you aren’t even truly involved? Consider doing nothing. Listening can do a lot- if it’s over a third party who is ‘hurt.’ You are perhaps also missing a teachable moment though- this is where the sad lack of support I see - especially sub to sub, comes in..
Trust me - using these buttons to go on the offensive-even when you are a party or fully involved, but not in danger - does nothing but prolong and protract the issues.
If you don’t have something nice to say- don’t let block and mute say it for you. Find a constructive part to play, or do nothing. Doing and saying nothing to a person usually sends a clear enough message. If you feel you must send a message tearing a person down- be brave enough to let them say their piece as well.
Anyway this all disappoints me greatly and if anyone would like to add anything I’d love to have a ‘learning moment.’

emmmllliiininenine​(sub female) • Jan 15, 2021

Honestly blocking someone imo is way more polite than being an ass to them. I block people rarely but usually if its needed, and i find that to be the best solution in general.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Jan 15, 2021

I’m not suggesting anyone be an ass. The block button is there for many important reason and is definitely an excellent go to for many kinds of difficulties. I’m specifically directing this at people who manipulate the button to do verbal ‘hit and runs,’ or to ostracize someone, or attempt to silence them for very unfair reasons.
Nothing I wrote about refers to people dealing with pestering strangers. I understand where you’re coming from, but I thought I’d clarify my position

Sensualgent​(dom male) • Jan 15, 2021

I like this thoughtful post. Thank you for taking the time to write something so clearly aimed at helping others.

There's much to consider but largely, I'm in agreement though I'm not referring to instances of abuse.

Life is scattered with the carcasses of burnt out relationships where friends have become involved on one side, not hearing the others point of view.
So called friends who encourage break up or devorce based on their narrow understanding, their preconceived ideas and own personal history.
True friends should help you open up and talk about, perhaps with a third party but work through the relationship problems constructively without allowing their own past to guide them.

The thing is, when your relationship breaks down ignoring your partner causes pain, possibly for you both but certainly for the blocked party who could suffer trauma and PTSD as a result of being igored and the feeling of helpless it brings.
If you cared about someone once, don't hurt them but do all you can to help each other through the traumatic time.
Of course that's extremely difficult with emotions raging but that is what I would always try to do.
Don't allow your actions to hurt others.

With love and strength to all in pain.

Miki • Jan 15, 2021

I learned that lesson the other day. I blocked someone who seemed to be following me around and unkindly rebutting everything I wrote. While the block feature stops personal contact, either inboxing or the IM feature "Bond" it does nothing about public forum posts.

I stopped and thought about it, unblocked the member and offered an apology because I got my shorts in a twist and lashed out. While they never wrote back to reply to my request for forgiveness, I learned a solid lesson: To more closely vet what I write, and that this place is big enough for us to both exist here in peace.

The other blocks were dudes who would not take "Not Looking" for an answer, and one who tipped a few out of a certain type of bottle before coming online and writing me.

To conclude, the Block feature should never be used as a "penalty", rather should be used only when a given person proves too toxic to deal with sensibly.

TheAnt​(dom male) • Jan 16, 2021

V,
I wish to in a weigh in on this forum post. I was very involved in the actual thing you spoke about but was not either Dom in question. I chose to remain still neutral to two of the three parties involved but the third party obviously violated protocol and just about everyone that has seen any of my posts or chatted with me in the Chat Rooms knows how I feel about protocol. It was indeed unfortunate and like you I choose to remain friends with both of the parties that were originally involved despite the guilt implications and transgressions of one of them. Friends screw up and we love them as friends regardless of their transgressions or we would be indeed shallow.
THAT BEING SAID,
That is not why I am responding. I recently had a person do a drive by attack on me and leave me a nasty message because she felt that my critique of what I believe strongly to be of her bullying another user in a forum post warranted a personal attack upon me. She essentially called me names in the forum and sent me a nasty private message and then immediately blocked me before I could reply. Exactly what you describe as weaponizing. I was a little taken by it but decided that some people just do not know how to handle the truth when it is brought to their attention.
THE REASON FOR MY REPLY TO YOUR POST IS,
That very person is in this chain of replies to your forum post and is being a little hypocritical by making a statement that makes the reader assume that that that person had regrets and apologized. indeed she received four loves of her post. She is in weaponizing her defense of her actions by giving a false statement. She simply did not tell the truth. As I have not blocked her, She could easily send an apology to me and as a fairly respectful person, I believe anyways, I would very likely choose to let it go, which I did until she weaponized your forum post to present her lie.
THIS BRINGS ME TO MY FINAL POINT.
When posting in a public forum, it is far better to tell the truth and admit your failings. I am not perfect and frequently admit my issues and to some degree it has made me a better person. Perhaps the best thing to always attempt to do is tell the truth. Maybe that very same person located right above my post, forgot in her anger that she also attacked me for defending her original target. Maybe she had such a horrible day she needed to lash out at the world and indeed even went so far as to delete her profile for a day while she apparently regrouped. We have all been there at one time or another. I have blogged several times about those who attack me personally for being involved in my dynamic of DDlg but I have always been open to accepting a heartfelt given apology as it shows that person may be willing to grow as a person. It is without a doubt that the bravest most respectful thing a person can EVER do is to step up to the person they insulted and cursed out and apologize and mean it. I say this from the perspective of being shot at in a war zone and seeing human beings at their worst. it does indeed take less courage to stand there and let someone shoot at you than apologize.
-DA

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Jan 16, 2021

Thanks... for writing DA? I don’t know we are talking about the same things- this was win the last 18 ish hours? And I have no idea about your personal Er tribulation?
In the sense that it relates to the topic it’s nice that you can relate bc it really is a shame to be gagged without consent when/if you’re truly not harassing someone. I wish people would think more about these things-luckily they’re reversible.

Bunnie • Jan 16, 2021

Remember that the playground has all sorts of different kids with all sorts of different reasons for playing on the playground. Some like the monkey bars, some like the slippery dip, some like to just run around like headless chickens playing tag or catch and kiss, and some like to huddle in groups and point fingers and gossip. I much prefer the play parts, and leave the finger pointers and gossips to themselves... that’s way too boring for my tastes lol. I hope your friend is ok, and let her know that I know nothing of what occurred, and I accept that her business is none of my business, so as is my usual style, I’ll not be choosing sides, and will always say hi to her, whoever she is

As for how people choose to use the block button. I see it as someone revealing to me a lot about their character... so it’s a bit of a favour in disguise really.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 17, 2021

(Block:)

When I started on AOL in 96' block was a feature. I don't believe it was ever a safety tool and I've never seen it as one. The problem with calling it a safety tool is that it implies "safety" thus creating a false sense of reality.

These are adult sites designed to be used by adults. When people act in ways that are not mature or appropriate then they suffer the results. Sometimes that means they get blocked.

Lately I've begun to block a lot of people in Alt.com. When you open your page you are faced with those local to you and when you open your 'who viewed you' list you see everyone from all over the world who looked at your page. Nice huh? Well no. While some are just passing through it gets tiresome to be assaulted with all those cock and ass shots. I prefer not to start my day with a litany of body parts and words that are, in some cases, really gross or ugly when I open my page.

I have also deleted people on my friends lists for being chronically negative, gross or aggressive. Again, not how I start my day. I don't owe them or anyone an explanation or apology for that.

(And the best part? In 23 yrs only 2 people have ever written to me to ask why I closed the friendship. 2 - and we're talking hundreds if not thousands of people.)

Block isn't now and never was protection. It isn't a weapon if it has no target or firing power. It is a filter that you may use to improve your online experience. As such, you owe no one an apology or permission. Those up your butt, rude, or nasty people, fully know you will block them. Some count on it. That is why it is a game now to get in the last bitch slap before the block. Mature huh?

(Motivations:)

We aren't all here for the same purposes.
Some post to shock.
Some post to offend. MANY post to offend. Some are sitting with their real time friends laughing at your response.
Some have no functional idea of how to act appropriately and have failed at being appropriate in real life so they come here where there is no eye contact and no risk of having your teeth punched out of your head and it's a free for all. The internet is the ultimate Masquerade party. Some will be who they always are, and others? They have a mask and will be who or what they want to be in their heads. None of it is based in reality.

(Nothing beats face to face:)

Back in the day the chat rooms I was in on AOL were more local so you did see those people real time at munches, events or clubs. I walked up to several who had big, aggressive talk online and one who regularly threatened people. Here's the thing. Step up to them. Look them in the eye and they aren't so brave and full of themselves. That's because they can get punched, or reported to the police or end up with a restraining order. This is why we say reality is a bitch. Those big posturing egos fade fast when these jerks don't have the safety shield of their computer.

(Strangers at a distance don't matter:)

Yes, people like to be very rude and mean and bitch slap you and then block you before you can respond. That can be extremely annoying, not to mention hurtful. It is helpful to consider who or what this person is. Once while crossing on the green I almost got his by a driver. As he zoomed by he called me a Jew Bitch. I had to laugh. I'm not Jewish and while I can be a bitch you really have to work for that. What possessed him? Being in a hurry, sure. Unable to admit he was a jerk, absolutely. Being safe in his moving car, no doubt.

When random strangers call you names, or act out against you, try to remember, they ARE random strangers who do not know you, mean nothing to you and came at you uninvited. And part of what causes you to give them power is the mental assumptions you make. If his name says Dom or Master that changes the weight of his message. But if you saw him in front of you and he looked and sounded like Elmer Fudd and was wearing ill-fitting clothes and riding a girls bicycle; would his words be so big? Doubtful. So try not to assume that the attacker is anything but a little jerk posturing at you probably because he or she knows they will never be good enough to have someone like you.

For me it boils down to what we are all supposed to know about how to act and how to treat others. Some people for all the above reasons feel exempt from that, due to the illusion of safety and it all fizzles quick when that illusion is removed.

(Some people are just animals:)

In an interview, Adam Walsh's dad said when speaking about his murdered child, (I'm paraphrasing here.) "We raise our children to see everyone as civilized people. But some aren't civilized people, but some are just animals."

Never forget:
You can't tell the truth to a liar.
You can't be faithful to a cheater.
You can be kind to the cruel.

James Allen said it best in his book, "As a man thinketh" 1800's - "Circumstances don't make the man, they reveal him."

Your politeness, explanations and apologies have all be delivered with great sincerity 1,000's of times before. They fall on deaf ears because this person knows it already. That is not what they want. They want to win a small victory over unknown people because without it, they are just small people with nothing going for them.

(Finally, pick better friends.}

I've seen so many online battles. Friendships and relationships split apart all for the fantasy of you thinking you know someone or trying to overlook what you know about them. First you must decide who you wish to be and you must align with people who share your vision of life. For me, that is mentally and emotionally healthy people. Health conscious people. Mature grown ups both inside and outside of this lifestyle who I respect and count on online and in real time.

I don't spit on anyone who doesn't measure up. But I do meter out my investments in people with great care. I've know people who have far too many issues to be in relationships. I've watched them leave a body count of broken hearts behind them. You know what? It's toxic and exhausting. They aren't your friend because you give good feedback and advice. They don't want your advice. They want your endorsement. They want you to support every stupid decision they make. And when it blows up as it always does, they want you to do the "poor boo boo baby" stroke and listen to them go on and on about it all. But they will not get therapy or counseling. They will not change and when you stop cooperating, they dump you as fast as possible.

Trust me on this. I am a recovered rescuer. As such I have done it all. Defended, advised, helped, supported, listened, it's endless and bad for your health.

Now I let people run right out into that traffic because the one thing I know for sure is they've done it before and will do it again. And me? Saying, "wait stop?" They just tell me to lighten up.

You cannot care more for a person's well being than they care themselves. So stop trying. You'll be happier. This goes for the girlfriend who is a mess and the Dom friend who should have looked before he leaped. He is a Dominant of what? First and foremost he has to be in control of his choices and judgments. And that means he looks carefully at who he is to be with and does not just jump on a pretty girl and cry on you after the fact.

If you haven't met lifestyle people real time, do so when it is safe. Once you see that people are people, whether in the grocery store, at the bank, at a club, or wielding a flogger, you will find choosing the better of the group much more easy.

H*

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Jan 17, 2021

That was... long so a lot to take in. I cannot correct every assumption you’ve made about me that’s incorrect but they were not all incorrect. Much of the time I enjoy pulling up a chair and watching people run into traffic- especially on the corner of State and Pearl . I have an itchy spot for roaming packs of cage bullies though. There was nothing random or unknown in either case. I assure you ‘block’ can be a weapon- anything can be. It can also be used for protection albeit some sites more than others and this site not soo much.
I do thank you for such thorough feedback. Clearly you do still care, and I appreciate that.