How To Punish

MasterRon​(dom male) • Apr 28, 2020

I can understand evolving expectation. But the first rule is to be aware of the surroundings and set his expectations accordingly. He may tell you the punishment in stages and that's okay (IMO) but he cannot ask you to do something that is not feasible and expect you to comply and if you don't punish you for it. That is the definition of setting you up for failure.

So yes, agree with most of what has been said above, you should have an honest and open discussion with your husband regarding this and figure it out.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 28, 2020

Sammi,
I can't speak to the dynamic between you and your husband but I can speak to the dynamic differences between a man and a woman. I hope this may offer some different approach styles. Women have 7 different language processing centers in the brain. Men have 2. This isn't to say that women are better at anything than men when it comes to talking, it just means that because of how our brains are wired, we as women need to talk in order to process things we are struggling with. For men this process doesn't involve so much talking, especially when they are stressed and feel the need to retreat (IE - I need space) or in other words, man cave time. This also equals critical time for a guy to decompress. No man can just shut off their anger response once it's engaged. They need to have distance from the situation (not just hours, sometimes days) in order to calm completely and begin processing how they feel.
When women attempt to draw a man out of their cave time in order to "talk things through" we only end up prolonging the time they need to calm down so they can engage in the conversation without as much upset and stress. This often backfires resulting in hurt feelings and more upset all around. Usually this devolves into not truly listening to each other, and can cause major riffs in relationships. These are hard to repair. Not impossible, but intensely difficult.
The feedback to you, from one sub to another.... Don't stop listening to him even when it's hard and it's the last thing you want to do. If he says he needs space, let him take it with the request that he let you know when he is ready to talk through it. This way you don't have to play chase to find out when he is ready. Take time to think about and structure your concerns logically so he doesn't go all glass eyed from feeling inundated by "too much emotion". Rather than telling him what he is doing wrong, ask him to help you understand where he is coming from. Remember that asking him to do this is asking him to take a vulnerable position with you, just as you submitting to punishment and trying to do as he asks is a vulnerable position for you. It's not easy for either of you.
I hope this helps some.

Sammi Babi UwU​(sub female) • Apr 28, 2020

These are all amazing responses. Thank you all so much. Sleeping on it and digesting everything, with your kind words had really helped me to understand his side and my own.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Apr 29, 2020

Something about this feels wrong to me. What bothers me the most is his reaction.....how *I* read it was that he was saying "you're a bad sub. Because you are bad, I'm going to deny you my company."

I have a sore spot when it comes to emotional bribery and this sounds just like that.

You are a wife, a mom, a woman, AND a Brat......all very service oriented so the denial of affections (or even, by the sounds of it, finishing the conversation) is deeply painful.

I do not know his experience level, however, even HE should of known, as a man and a father, that you cannot just say, "hey kids, mommy is gonna go have a time out for an hour..". It's not feasible...

Dom's need to be able to be flexible when vanilla life interffers with kink life. It happens. That's not YOUR fault....unless you're God.....

trvldom twentyGMA​(dom male){Seeking to} • May 3, 2020

With just your side of the conversation, you have clearly communicated your frustration here. If you used this approach as stated here with your husband, it should have been clear. To state that expectations evolve is just excusing the desire to add on to the punishment for personal reasons. This breaks down trust and respect between a Dom and his Sub. Not a good path to go down.

Alleah​(switch female) • May 3, 2020

I dunno your guys' experience level, but the way you described his view sounds like he may like the "mind fuck" type thing? That is, as I've heard, when you are given a task that is impossible just so you can/will be punished. I dunno, though.

What I do know is: I don't understand "needing space" after a simple statement of your view, nor calling you too controlling to be a sub. Especially the latter.... A sub controls everything, ultimately,...

As a sub, I also would take quite a bit of issue logically AND emotionally with basically setting me up to fail and even punishing me for it. I won't go into my closeted skeletons, but it definitely aggravates some. Besides, I think the "mind fuck" thing is best done when the task is ALL on you and anything external basically CAN'T interfere. The Dom/Master should take into account these obstacles and determine feasibility... Also, there is not really any element of adding things on (stages, perhaps, but they are clear).

Rottenbrat mentioned thinking your side over while he takes his space. I recommend, not only what you have done with this post, but writing (WRITING, not typing) a journal out to organize and consolidate your thoughts and the exact issue(s) in what happened, as well as finding a way to discuss this topic without seeming like you are "accusing" him (take note of your wording; use "I statements") or "bitching" (organized thoughts help).

Good luck.

Exquisite​(sub female) • Jul 3, 2020

Instruction and complete communication is first prior to any punishment given.

The reasoning behind the statement above is for situations that you both have placed yourself in.

My humble suggestion is that you both forgive one another for this punishment and move on knowing it won’t be repeated because you both will communicate throughly to each other next time.

MidlifeMan​(dom male) • Jul 3, 2020

communication is key, evolving is good but must be agreed by all parties, and if need be added into future sessions not the present one.

you both need to be clear about what it is you want from everything, what you don't want and especially if it causes you pain that is not wanted (part of the that agreed upon )

MasterRenton​(dom male) • Feb 6, 2021

A punishment just like a task must consider all outside factors before being expected to be completed. I have tons of protocol that my slave maintains, none are unachievable. Some are uncomfortable, others are difficult... There a few things that should always be followed when delivering a punishment: never strike your submissive while still angry, think the punishment through from start to finish to ensure it can be completed, do not stack punishments, and lastly use direct words with every detail needed for the submissive to complete their punishment.

House Talion​(dom male) • Feb 7, 2021

It's never easy when your partner says they need space from you which makes it that much harder when your partner is also your spouse. As theres such a difference between you I wonder if this was an aspect of your relations that was known from the start or had it progressed into the relationship after it had started? Yes, I'm talking from experience