not so nice messages

Kelpi • Mar 1, 2021

Please understand no matter where you go your dealing with human males. They tend to be full of themselves and out to prove they are kings (if only in their own minds). When they see a beautiful female sub they tend to think it is their right to act like ..... I can't think of an animal that acts like that. My point is they are full of themselves and are better ignored that talked to. There are a few that understand that being a male dom does not give us the right to knock you on the head and drag you of to the man cave. Submission to us is a gift from a sub and one that can be taken back if we are not who we should be. We try to meet here to get to know others and get to know something of ourselves. We talk we laugh we cry we get angry at times and we try not to hurt others. Not always possible but we try not to. We hope to find someone who will fill a missing spot in our life and hearts. We hope to make friends and be one. We come here to find those who understand we can't always jump out and say "hi I like BDSM" with out people looking at us like we are freaks. There are a few who still will stand up for your honor when allowed and not back down when someone is wrong in thinking you are property. You may be a sub but your still a female of the human race. A daughter of Eve who has a right to be who she wants to be and with whom ever she wants to be with. So please remember Adam still has sons who are their for you. Should you ever need them all you need to do is say so.

blossoming​(sub female) • Mar 1, 2021

thank you all for your kind replies.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Mar 6, 2021

You are not in the wrong, and it is not your fault, and it shouldn't happen.

All of the nonsense you describe is not "normal" with the ls, though sadly it is very common on bdsm websites. By no means does that make it ok. It is shitty behavior that insta-doms and wanna-doms and their kind pull on unsuspecting newbies in an attempt to prey on them.

My advice - Until you have taken the time and steps to get to know someone, communicated until you are both satisfied that you are satisfied, chosen and shared safewords, negotiated and established limits, and until all parties are sure they are sure - you should not consider entering a dynamic of any kind with anybody.

Unfortunately, many people (on both sides of the slash) are of the belief that being a sub means you have no rights, no say, no choice. That's all bullshit.
Before you, or anyone else, commits to any dynamic ONLY YOU make decisions for yourself, and no one has any right to demand a damn thing from you. No one gets to tell you what to do.
Not only are you "allowed' to stand up for yourself, you must do so. You know best about who you are, what you want, and what is right for you - not a potential whatever, and certainly not assholes that have been contacting you.

Until any of us commits to anything, we owe it to ourselves to decide what is in our own best interests, and only after that should we concern ourselves with what any other potentially involved parties think.

Did I misinterpret your message to mean that you've had 1 online Dom just in the few weeks since you joined?
If that is so then I would caution against moving so quickly. Also, some have suggested that you rethink your pictures and profile. I encourage the same.

There are many experienced, good people here that you can go to for answers and support. Avail yourself of them.
Pretty basic rule: If you wouldn't tolerate it outside of Cage, then don't tolerate it here.
And never forget that the block button is your friend.

yourbootsownme​(sub male) • Mar 6, 2021

I don't participate in such rudeness, but I can say I have been told that's not even very uncommon on vanilla dating sites. Jerks are jerks and creeps are creeps wherever you go. I'm sorry you have been forced to deal with such garbage.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 8, 2021

Actually, it is. People will assume the worst due to their trust issues. It is common.

And it's even worse on fetlife. Try to have a "outside the box" conversation on that site and people will jump down your throat. People there tend to fail to state "what, why, where".

This site tends to have people that use brains. And even those that lack brains are at least not insulting and talking down on people. The one posting publicly in forums at least. Just look out for people that assume the worst and never ask. People like that fail to get the full story. Their trust issues are on them. But the source of fear is ignorance. Not that closed mind people will ever admit that. Unless challenged, and challenged hard.

Balthezor • Mar 8, 2021

No, it’s not normal. Getting to know each other is just like anything else you need it to build trust. Without that trust there’s never going to be anything worth having. Some people you bond with instantly, just like anything else if you get lucky they might be in on the life too or curious about it.

Myself & a lot of other people are out here & love to make new friends. There are a lot who will answer any questions & try to help out. Keep it in mind, find yourself, it might take you a bit. You’ll be able to know what you want and what you can bring into a dynamic or play session.

Best of luck.

twotonnat​(dom male) • Mar 8, 2021

I took a look at your profile, you are definitely a beauty and young that's going to draw a lot of attention. A real Dom isn't going to make demands. The may state what they like to see if your interested. The will actually talk to you, like if they want a vanilla relationship. In order for a dom to do there part they have to know you.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 8, 2021

I can guarantee you that on the internet it is normal. You saying otherwise won't change that fact. While you're trying to stat the good, I can assure you, there are people that will talk down on people, be bullies, assume the worst easily because all they see is a monster... etc, etc.

I been online often for 12 years. This site is one of the better ones, but let's not pretend you won't get the bad with the good.

That's just how it is. It's like how you meet people in life. You get some good, you get some bad. Some will never have a doubt, others will assume far too much.

I fail to see how this is not normal when it's happening regardless of environment. As for trust, it's like communication. It's more about making sure you prevent the "mis" in it. Be upfront. Be clear and to the point. Specifically without generalising, ideally. Establish the awareness to establish the honesty and the trust.

Basically, as long as you make sure you don't MISunderstand then you can prevent MIStrust. Thing is people like to stick to their sheltered worlds at times. And then you get those that are more open minded.

Online. Offline. You get some of both in each area. So yes, it's perfectly normal.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 8, 2021

gcat​(sub female)
not so nice messages
1 week ago • 02/28/2021 12:52 pm "I’m fairly new to the lifestyle, like my profile says. I’ve been on the website for a few weeks now. I’ve had 1 online dom and a LOT of uncalled-for messages.

I’m here wondering if this is something that comes with the lifestyle. the types of messages that really threw me off included
-threats because I didn’t answer
-somewhat stalking (found my real social media profiles)
-cussing and demanding responses
-name-calling, accusations
- and (very) few have actually went as far as to add my personal social media and message me on there.

so my question is this-

I know in this world there is a lot of “things” that obviously wouldn’t fly in a vanilla relationship. I know that there are demands, degrading, etc.
...............................

It's common. But you have to remember there is a lot of safety behind a computer screen, who would never say to your face what they say in print. They are brave at a distance. And sites like this cannot simply trace an IP address. They won't put in the time or money to change that because there are just too many users.

When I learned how to drive the instructor said you don't have to protect yourself from the good drivers, you have to protect yourself from the bad ones. They are the ones that cause accidents. They are why you pay attention to speed laws and wear a seat belt etc.

It's the same here. You have to go into this with the assumption that there are people out there that are not right in the head. Losers that fail at life. So they have anger and aggression toward others.

And they are drawn to places where people hit each other, not for our reasons but because they are eager to hit someone, but cowards.

I'd suggest you start blocking more quickly. And get personal information off your page. No one should be able to find your social media info and stalk you. Protect yourself from the bad web page drivers and you'll have fewer accidents.

You might also want to rethink your photo and only share it with people you are interested in. That will make finding you on other sites harder. You can google photos and those on multiple sites will show up.

If you know you have value and are worthy of respect, shut down those who want to convince you otherwise. Block them and move on. These are never going to be people with who you would get along. And do be careful of those on this or other sites that offer to protect or support you and ask for a private chat.

If you know yourself, then this is just another way of interacting. The rules are the same, you expect and accept only respect.

(and there is nothing wrong with fetlife. Don't listen to those who will never get along with anyone because they are too broken. Fetlife is good for finding local events when things open up again and finding online learning resources.)

H*

Miki • Mar 10, 2021

I'm far from a "beauty" but when I first signed up back when this site was new, my Inbox was blown to bits in a matter of a day or two. Nothing threatening but yeah, one character did the Google thing and nosed around my FB page and whatever shit from years ago I posted. I blocked his sorry ass. One of only a handful in 3+ years here.

I even put on my profile that I was not looking to hook up with online people but still they came.

Thing is, you will get that kind of shit on any social media platform. Even vanilla sites have their share of sharks in the swimming pool.

I do not like where men are broad-brushed as relentless dominating sexual animals just on account of a few horn-dogs, but this also can be attributable to the statistical fact that on any social site such as this, or even outright dating sites (which this is NOT, although it has a Personals section for those so-inclined) 90% or more are men. It's just how it works. As I said, I'm far from "beautiful" but coming in here as single/unattached just naturally garnered me attention despite what my profile blah says.

It's not well-written, on purpose, because though I met a most charming, respectfully semi-alpha guy here (The "D" on the collar) my profile's wording is designed to blunt interest in anything out of me but intelligent conversation. I'm here primarily to read blogs and forum threads to learn and absorb the viewpoints of others and, where I feel it might be useful, throw in my own digital 2 cents

Sorry this happened to you. Though it is not the intention of this site, it's kind of what you'll have to grow a thick skin for. Yes, block and report abusive message-writers, but as far as the "usual come-ons" go, you'll be getting them until word gets around that they're not going to get anywhere with you--- sort of comes with the territory.

I still get buzzed in "Bond" once in a while when all I come in to do is read/reply PMs I enjoy (I have a couple of those) -- I have asked a number of times about a Stealth Mode so I can do the private business without being descended upon by various bored dick-slingers but based on how many times I have asked about it, and the length of time since I last asked, the administration of this site don't seem to be inclined to offer such a feature.

*sigh*