Is he a Dom?

Is he a Dom?

Shysub342​(sub female) • Jun 5, 2018

I have been seeing someone for just over 8 months. We aren’t a Dom and a sub. But our relationship dynamic does fall very similar to that of a Dom and a sub. I know he gets upset and angry when my plans change from what I told him, or I go out drinking or sometimes out of the blue when I’m in a situation out of his control. I do everything I can to try and make this easier for him. I’ve asked him many times to tell me what he wants from me in these situations, but he says he doesn’t want to control me and stop me from doing things. But I don’t mind if that’s what he needs from me, because I hate seeing him angry or upset. I am very naturally submissive and I never want to do anything to upset him, and I want to revivify whatever I have done to upset him in the first place. But he makes this impossible and it breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do to stop this, or make it easier for him or for me. I’m not sure if this is the best place to ask, but I don’t know where else to ask it.

Reserved​(other male) • Jun 5, 2018

It occurs to me there are two questions here. The one on the topic is if this person is a Dominant. Then the question inside seems to lend itself more to what can I do to resolve this issue within our dynamic. And I use the word dynamic with a little bit of liberalism to mean relationship dynamic because obviously it doesn't appear that this is what most would call a functional D/s dynamic.

In my opinion I think what needs to occur is you need to first figure out what kind of dynamic you desire and then have a sit down conversation with him about this part of you. The part of you who is naturally a submissive personality and who wants to please him as your partner. http://dominantguide.com/ is a website that has some things that may assist in him understanding Dominant roles in terms of D/s. But ultimately as you have no doubt ascertained in your time on here, a dynamic is as individualized as a couple is. For you perhaps it starts with you telling him that you want him to tell you his desire for you and then comply, start at the shallow end and start wading into whether that will also include his ability to sanction you for non-compliance (obviously not having teeth makes his expectations more of requests) and then if there are further expectations he has of you (schooling, self care, etc). This can leak into the bedroom which is a whole other can of worms.

He obviously cares about you which is a definite starter for someone being a good Dominant partner, the question is if he is willing to assume the control if he knows its what you want him to do, or if he truly doesn't wish for the exchange of natural 50/50 equality in say so.

Again those are my 5 cents, no need to give me change. Good Luck.

RD

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jun 5, 2018

it sounds like he is more upset with himself for reacting in that way rather than at you, sounds like he might need to be honest with himself as to why he is like that, he cant be honest with you if he doesn't know. Also as a sub you have a need to please, be aware of this as its not yet a D/s so it might confuse him and possibly not help with how he is feeling. I get it I really do, wanting to help and stay at home, this might just be adding fuel to the fire if he is feeling guilty already. This is something your happy with but he might not understand that entirely.

Miss Magdalena​(sub female){FreeSpirit} • Jun 5, 2018

Hey lady. There is some advice within the previous post I agree with...and I do feel that whether he is Dom or not is probably something only he can really answer for himself. He will have to look more deeply into that for himself and seek out more information to see if he feels that inclination. Definitely having that conversation with him, and being open about where you stand in regards to yourself is very important especially if you have found yourself on this website.
The piece of this that I find myself focusing on most is not your “dynamic” but the break down in communication within in your relationship. For ANY relationship to work be it kink or vanilla....open communication, honesty, and trust are required. It’s difficult to have anything long lasting or worthwhile go smoothly if those are not at the very foundation of what you have. Being a part of a d/s relationship exposes both parties and leaves a lot of raw emotions there for both to see. I feel you guys have to be able to have the “difficult” conversations within the every day relationship for you to have a successful anything else added to it.
No relationship is perfect and you’re going to have fights or hurt feelings along the way, cause “Hey” we are only human. It seems to me based on what you say he shuts down when he feels conflicted and either doesn’t know how or doesn’t want to share the why behind the confliction. I do not know how to make a person be open if they do not wish it so, but I think he should know that if you guys are going to move past this particular difficulty it will require him to find a way to express his thoughts and feelings with you. You aren’t a mind reader and neither is he. You can continue to take the struggle and breakdown in commiunication within yourself....but my fear is that you won’t get anywhere with it and it won’t resolve anything. It’s difficult for some of us submissive types not to want to nurture and give ourselves. Just know that sometimes when we give indiscriminately in an effort to help our partners, we could actually be hindering...thus negating the help we are trying to provide in the first place.
Good luck lady...and I do hope that after you and your SO find a way to bridge the gap in communication you are able to explore something even deeper after. ?

Habardr​(dom male) • Jun 16, 2020

If he gets upset or jealous when you go out, that kind of thing suggests he has feelings for you. Possessiveness can be good when handled by an experienced dom but those same feelings can also manifest very badly in other relationships.

The fact he says he doesn't want to control you might mean he wants to, but doesn't feel he has the right. Or that he sees control as only a negative thing.

As people have said earlier in this thread, I'd advise talking with him about what you both want. Until you find out whether he's comfortable with the idea of being a proper dom, you don't really know where you stand.

House Talion​(dom male) • Jun 16, 2020

Regaurdless of who is involved, theres always a Dom and a sub when it comes to relationships which may switch at times or Dom/ switch, sub/ switch.

Inevitably it seems to be a situation that has not used to and he may be having trouble understanding it, but through his lack of understanding it still seems clear that he doesnt want such instances to come between the two of you.

Certainly the best thing is to talk with him about it, but keep in kind that as you're submisive by nature he may not be dominant by nature. He may simply have the personality of a leader.