Dom vetting - why or why not?

protector / mentor

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Nov 14, 2021

great topic!

this is specifically directed to we on the right side of the slash and any combination of bottom, submissive, masochist, littles, pet, slave, etc

what we do often comes from heavy emotional and mental places and it can be easy to get swept up. it is great to have friends of similar and other persuasions as ourselves to help process those things which may cause a blip on our intuition radars as we get to know someone new. i simply write myself a reminder note for later review.

for those that may not have trust in their own vetting tools or know they can get caught up and swept away as heavy “players” it may be good to ask a person that is already personally VETTED and proven to be safe and trustworthy to help filter through potential partners. this can also help filter the more authentic interest from the fuckboys, whichever is more desired by the bottom.

having a person in this role as protector does have a potential to pose issues. i personally feel mentorship and a lot of learning is the approach which offers more solution and less of the potentials for additional problematic situations. i’m certain most of us prefer to avoid more pitfalls!

also, remember the search feature in the forum, you will find a lot of great past advice on this and many subjects from other members over the years.

on the subject of VETTING, this is absolutely imperative for safety. if you don’t know who you are talking to in the sense of name, location, relationship status, etc as well as consistent proof through repetition of their character, you are putting yourself at risk and taking unnecessary chances. even with this information, people are risky, but it is basic common sense to be informed. you are worth it and there are a multitude of potential partners, lifestyle or play, that aren’t hiding and want something that matches up with you. remind yourself you are worth what you need and nothing less, as is your potential partner.

GREAT question... WHO vets the vetters!

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Nov 14, 2021

The vettees! LMAO

For me, it is simple and obvious, BUT I know for others it may not be the same, or liked or agreed with... to each their own.

For ME, I vet!!! NO ONE else should VET for me, plain and simple! If I am vetting a potential, I would hope damn well they are vetting me! If I am or they are new, it doesn't matter, vetting should still be done. Open, honest communication. Vetting is synonymous to "due diligence". If you don't know what due diligence is with respect to looking/finding a compatible partner? Then you ought to do a WHOLE lot more research and learning in the lifestyle!!

Some people, both experienced and new, need/want a protector. A protector does not do YOUR vetting, they are only the middle man to, as the title says, "protect" you. What does that entail? That's up to the protector and protected. I have personally been in a place where I felt I need a protector because I wasn't in a good place, felt that I was vulnerable and may not make good decisions for myself... When I asked for "protection", I was asking help to weed out any possible predator or what have you, to ensure my safety, but nothing was set in stone. My protectors ONLY motive or responsibility was to PROTECT me (both from myself and/or others). AGAIN, the protector I chose I KNEW WELL, trusted and had a strong fundamental friendship with, as they did me!

A protector is NOT a vetter/or (sp?) And shouldn't, nor anyone else, VET on behalf of another ... I personally don't agree with to VET or VETTING being changed to a noun!

We are ALL responsible for our choices! Whether they are informed or not, they're our choice in the end.... That is accountability which is a whole other topic that I won't get into.

BellaTrixxx​(sub female) • Nov 15, 2021

Very interesting topic. Following.

A Cloud​(sub female){Owned} • Nov 15, 2021

Thank you for rendering things straight (actually, I prefer kinky) . The negative, accusatory and opinionated vibe was transmitting through every room on this site; it was seeping into my skin . I prefer humourous, intelligent and titillating banter .

I too have a couple of journals that record my learning and I like to read. This really helps for processing, understanding, planning/clear motivations/needs/wants, reminding and revelations. Love me a good dose of self teaching among other self activities. Experiential fire tester, I am. A long road but very fruitful.

My Dear{Trust} • Nov 17, 2021

My one addition:
It is those who think they are so experienced, so smart, so mature in their 'skills' as to not require any guidance on the journey who often find themselves floundering in quicksand... in a frenzy.

It happens to everyone at some point, if we refuse all advice then we also have to be completely accountable for all of our own steps... and sometimes that quicksand you thrash in holds crocodiles, snakes, weasels, and sharks!

Re: Dom vetting - why or why not?

My Dear{Trust} • Nov 17, 2021

Meanwhile...
For The Original Poster:

In all the hullabaloo, your original intent seems to have been mislaid along the path. I just want to Be Sure, do you feel your questions and concerns here were addressed?
I saw some great responses but some of those were rather well mixed in with the chum. So, I thought I'd check in with You.

Whorgazmo​(sub female) • Sep 11, 2022

Unless they are your close, in-person friends (who don't desire you sexually) my opinion based on all those who have solicited me for this is that these "experienced Doms" who offer to vet are doing so with selfish intent. They are predators far more dangerous than the fakes that will approach you. They will chase away everyone so that, in their minds, you will be more tempted to join their (usually) poly groups.

As an adult I can converse online, move to a video format and then meet the person offline...all with relative ease. It's an easy process that weeds out most of the bad guys. Time is the enemy of these people. Moving slowly is key. If an adult is unable to vet their own future partner they should work on boundaries and self-esteem first before dating, otherwise life and reality is going to work them over.

There is no such thing as free services without strings attached...I don't care if the person is a Grand Pooh-bah of the largest BDSM group in their area or some faceless, online persona.

RestrainedJane • Sep 11, 2022

Great discussion. I am a newbie so I have a Protector (someone I trust a lot) so I don’t get in over my head, which would be way to easy to do given how much I don’t know. My Protector doesn’t talk to the men I am interacting with personally, BTW, (I think that would be a bit much), I just describe them (no names) and he advises me on what to ask and red flags to look for. I would think a sub more experienced in this lifestyle wouldn’t need a Protector as much. But I think the arrangement I have is something any newbie could benefit from — provided all caveats about who to trust mentioned above are observed.)

niaEm • Sep 11, 2022

I think, ultimately, this is more of a statement about the low-efficiency of the online communities. Whatever are the reasons behind that, whatever is the analysis, the fact stands that for the time spent, the outcome is slim. A question that follows is what to do. Shall we seek better means to create online communities? Shall we simply focus on IRL meetings, clubs, and to limit the role of online communities. That is the question.

niaEm • Sep 11, 2022

That seems to be the ultimate solution currently. Approach slowly, and also keep in mind that online communication in most cases is just a prelude for a more traditional IRL contact. Whatever means are necessary to change this routine, they belong in something very high-tech and very high-org domain.

In practice, some nice authentication routine would be great to have on these sites. This is what had killed collarspace, IMHO.