New sub

New sub

babyboysub​(sub male) • Jun 6, 2023

I’m a newish sub that has resently found out how submissive he is.I’m am currently married but my wife does not want to be my dom. Any advice on what to do

PAI • Jun 7, 2023

Just ask for small things. in bed ask to have your hands held down over your head. watch some porn together and see what she is willing to do if any.

Steellover​(sub male) • Jun 7, 2023

I think, like many people new to BDSM, the feelings you get at first are really powerful and the fantasies that build up can be overwhelming.

What I would do, is, since you are in a vanilla relationship and cannot act on those fantasies, is submit to your wife in other, non sexual and non-kink related ways. Spend extra time listening to her and being more attentive to her moods. Try extra hard to do nice things for her. Be it, extra chores, buying her something she wants, cooking her a nice meal, and things like that. Sadly, this is about all I can suggest, as it sounds like your intimate relationship is probably doomed to be strictly vanilla.

I'mME • Jun 7, 2023

PAI,
The OP said his wife doesn't want to Dom him. Consent is what drives these this no matter what it is.

Miki • Jun 7, 2023

Yet another person who is in a mix 'N' match relationship.

Something ends up giving somewhere along the line, and since one cannot force a partner to get into that which they're not interested in--- a consent thing of course-- , that leaves but 2 realistic choices, unfortunately.

Do without it or decide which means more, kink or your relationship and if you need to, move on to find someone who wants to play rough, too.


If someone is in a half-ass relationship, it's easier to pull up stakes and search elsewhere, but in a marriage.. ewwww sticky wicket, and that's not even considering if there are kids in the family unit.

There is a third option that's kind of a reach, see if she'll let you get what you want outside the relationship. A stretch but not unheard of.

Sorry, I'm being a bit flippant but I've seen that so often in here and it is indeed unfortunate that one finds their twisted groove after they are "invested" in a relationship / marriage.


Another thing of note.. O P is a sub male.. Finding a dominant woman is no easy task.

The ratio of "men looking" to "women looking" be it BDSM or ordinary-- is extremely lop-sided. Just another unfortunate fact of life.

Best advice from one who never was into relationships (so find a bag of salt) -- take stock in what you have.

Miki • Jun 7, 2023

I left out something... In the lead-off post you don't mention what level of domination you would find satisfactory, but looking at your profile, well, that might be a tall order.

But Strictly tongue-in-cheek:

There are ways to get a more natural form of domination.

-Start leaving the seat up on the crapper after you hang a leak.

-Put the roll of ass paper backwards

--Leave smelly socks on the pillow

She'll be "correcting" these little quirks and foibles in short order and, as I said-- subtle domination.

I'mME • Jun 7, 2023

Miki,

Where is the consent in this situation you suggest? I would be pissed as a mofo if someone started doing these types of things just to get a rise of of me. I would rise my ass out the door.

Miki • Jun 7, 2023

Consent involves things physical, not leaving the lid up on the toilet and other pranks.

As I said "tongue in cheek" meaning the O P should not take those suggestions seriously.

What he would stand to get in return is being told to stop doing annoying things.

People go too damned far when it comes to "consent" these sensitive days.

Pretty soon one would need consent to rip a fart when the choice is letting it out or getting abdominal cramping.

As far as I am concerned, and it's only me again but consent strictly applies to when (I) would want to be touched or whatever and when I expect my personal space to be observed. Nothing more, nothing less.

Re: New sub

DominusRex​(dom male) • Jun 7, 2023

Would you mind clarifying something? Have you spoken to your wife about this and asked her about being your Domme? Is she aware of your desires? What was her reaction?

There are many couples out there where one partner does not want to dabble in the lifestyle but allows their partner to do so with their consent. I would imagine this is the minority of most outcomes in this situation but it does happen.

EpicParker​(sub female) • Jun 8, 2023

Consent is a major key here, along with communication and honesty. Ask your wife if she would be open to you finding a dominant outside of the marriage. I know it works for some couples.