Getting Over an Abusive Dom

Getting Over an Abusive Dom

ABabyDollForYou​(switch female) • Sep 21, 2018

I used to be a much more confident sub until my ex which led me to lean more heavily into my Dom side. This leaves me feeling unfulfilled as I like both sides. How do I gain my confidence back? He left so many roadblocks in my head. Do I just need a good Dom or?

Phanes​(dom male) • Sep 21, 2018

I wish to try to help ypu here, but I must admit exactly what you are asking for. The title to your blog speaks to an abusive relationship, yet the body of your blog states that he led you to be more Dominant than submissive. First, I don't see how he was abusive if he was the more submissive, being you were the one controlling the relationship? Secondly, if you were the Dominant one within the relationship; how is it you have lost the confidence you once had? I read your post many times over and I can't grasp what is it you are asking or understanding the dynamics of relationship? Can you perhaps clarify?

Edit to the Previous Post

ABabyDollForYou​(switch female) • Sep 21, 2018

I just reread my post and I totally see what you mean. It makes absolutely no sense.
I was a sub with this person. We were not the right fit for each other as he was an abusive dom. Every time I tried to set boundaries or codes he pushed my limits and did what he wanted.

In the relationship I had after him, I refused to be submissive in anyway. I refused to be open with my partner. I think I was a good dom sexually but due to my closed heart, we ended things.

I leaned into my dominant side to protect myself more due to my bad experiences as a sub.

My question is: What is the best way to heal myself after that espicaially since I am searching for a dom? How can I satisfy my needs as a switch?

Phanes​(dom male) • Sep 21, 2018

OK that is what I thought you were trying to say. Speaking as someone who had just recently met someone who experienced years of abuse by an "abuser"; the only way I would recognize this person; who had told her never to show her emotions nor express the pain he inflicted on her. He had no limitation as to what he would do to her. When W/we first met, she was a shell of a person, have been seen as only a possession. I listened to her experience, I showed her the empathy that she never had recieved in the past, I assured her that she had value as a woman, not as a possession, that she had the right to be treated as the human being, that she is allowed and expected to show any emotion in any given situation, allowed to express her anger, her hurt, allowed to be loved and to love. Another words, I had to basically retrain her thinking that any human being is entitled to the freedom to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of being punished if he/she did. It was a tedious process, but slowly, with continued building of trust, empathy, and compassion; she slowly dropped that protective guard she was forced to live within those many years. Once I did open pandora's box of her emotions, she struggled to manage them because she never had been allowed to do so before and had trouble understanding them or how to control them.
With the right Dominant, a similiar process of listening to your experience and re-training your thinking as I had mentioned above to reassure you, that a true Dominant does abide by any established limits, listens to your concerns, take any corrective actions to further improve the enjoyment and enrichment of the relationship, ensures you that you do have the right to speak of your concerns, that you are safe with the right person that allows you to trust enough to be who you feel you are. With that said, I hope this helps you find yourself once again.

Bunnie • Sep 21, 2018

Hi @ ABabyDollForYou​, I think @ Phanes said it beautifully... and he speaks from experience which is always an added bonus.
To me it sounds like lost trust.
The really difficult thing about trusting someone that hurts us, is that not only do we learn to not trust others, we also stop trusting ourselves... our decisions and choices... because we then tell ourselves “what healthy, capable person would make choices and decisions that would put them in harms way,” right? Unfortunately... learning to forgive yourself and allow yourself to trust that you are in fact capable of making good decisions and choices... and well, realising again that trusting another always has risk (not abuse) connected to it, is a long process. My favourite saying is that no one can hurt us like we can hurt ourselves. Even when things end, we’ll just continue on punishing ourselves. But that can just be because we’ve suddenly developed a belief that we’re now untrustworthy for ourselves and incapable of keeping ourselves safe. Anyway, my long winded response, is that, in my opinion, it’s about learning to trust yourself again. Once that happens, the rest seems to follow.

A sub is a trust

rustytedline • Sep 21, 2018

You can’t ever trust a dom who would ever do that. That’s not a dom who would ever be worthy of you. If you’re still into the lifestyle a dom is kind and honest. He asks you to be everything he wants. It can be rough and hard and giving yourself fully to him. But it’s an agreement. It’s an agreement that you give yourself fully. You allow him to be who he is, finally. You allow him to be something other people who don’t understand would judge him for. But you free him. Completely. I don’t know if that helps. But I hope it does.

Miss Primrose​(sub female){Thor&Loki} • Oct 23, 2018

@rustytedline — that was beautifully stated. Thanks. As a sub I don’t often think that Doms are not always allowed to be who they are as well as subs. Thanks for the reminder.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 23, 2018

It is not uncommon for abused submissives to go on to be dominant to feel safer.

What I have seen that works best is to ride this out. Dont force yourself to feel.
Keep your foot in the game as a dominant until your confidence returns.

Over time you will come to a space of change that will either strengthen your dominant side or return to your submissive side.

Either way growth.