Ash to Phoenix(sub female)
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5 years ago •
Oct 19, 2018
Trust.
Would you consider it a breach of trust if you were beginning to know a Dom with the assumption that they would mentor you, nothing had been established yet (submission had not been gifted / potential Dom had not asked, etc) if they were mentoring another sub and had publicly collard them without making you aware? Is it expecting too much to assume if such a relationship had been established they should make you aware?
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Online now
Kara(sub female){Dark Roast}
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5 years ago •
Oct 19, 2018
No. If you weren't in a relationship, why should it bother you if the person you talk to has a private life? I would say you dodged a bullet, though. Mentors aren't supposed to involve themselves with charges. If there was a violation of trust, it would be this "Dom" violating that the other sub. It sounds like a case of grooming to me.
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Ash to Phoenix(sub female)
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5 years ago •
Oct 19, 2018
I appreciate that.
I am new and have yet to fully understand the boundaries. I think that telling them if I were to be their sub I wanted to be the only one was a bit premature as nothing had been established. |
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Kara(sub female){Dark Roast}
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5 years ago •
Oct 19, 2018
Perhaps premature, perhaps not. It really depends on how long you had been talking and how deeply. There is nothing wrong with stating in a general way up front about your preference for mono/poly.
Communications is important in any relationship and D/s more so. There is nothing wrong with asking a prospective person their preference right away or if they're talking to others in an interested way after a few weeks of serious conversation. Those who have nothing to hide are open, both Doms and subs. Getting up on a soapbox, this is why many say that mentors need to be same gender and orientation. Newbies are vulnerable and easy to take advantage of. If you don't know what to look out for, choose someone who you know isn't after you and never will be. Choose a Dom who is happily in a monogamous relationship or, better still, choose a female sub. |
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Ash to Phoenix(sub female)
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5 years ago •
Oct 19, 2018
It has not been long at all, not even a month. I made it clear within the first few conversations that I was not comfortable with other subs (I felt that would be too much to manage, especially with a new sub, I didn’t know exactly what that entailed) and they had stated in their profile that they were in a relationship but that their partner was alright with an online relationship in the BDSM world.
They had said that they had subs before and we discussed what sort of things they expected from their sub, general “get to know limits /expectations” Saw profile and saw had been modified (no collar shown) Mentioned. Response ; “Im no longer in a relationship. And I’m pursuing someone. That is you” Day later - he has a collared sub. Claims knight in shining armor.. I was had. I see I need to watch myself. Thank you for responding and educating me. |
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FabSeverus(dom male)
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5 years ago •
Oct 19, 2018
you are getting too emotional too soon I am afraid.
He doesnt have to tell you anything and you dont owed him anything. You are in communication level, expecting too soon at this stage would make you crash badly. |
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Ash to Phoenix(sub female)
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5 years ago •
Oct 19, 2018
Very well. Noted.
The insight is appreciated. Thank you. |
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Kara(sub female){Dark Roast}
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5 years ago •
Oct 19, 2018
Entitlement goes both ways. If you didn't ask, then he wasn't required to tell you anything. Like with Doms, those who aren't a part of your life aren't entitled to it. It's not that it was too much too soon, but could be that questions weren't asked and feelings not discussed.
Online relationships can be tricky. Feelings can quickly build. I have been there. After a time, expectations need to be discussed and communication needs to happen. There is nothing wrong with a statement like "I have stopped looking at other people for a match. What about you?" Or a "I feel like we are getting serious. ". That way, you know where you stand. |
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Ash to Phoenix(sub female)
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5 years ago •
Oct 19, 2018
I didn’t ask personal stuff (other than his gf he broke up with) because I thought it wasn’t my place and being a novice asshole I went with someone “who has been a Dom for so long”
The I got to know him. Talked to him Asked him permission for stuff Sent him pics and he has her. I didn’t want to post this because I thought I would be looked at terribly, but I am so appreciative. |
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Bunnie
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5 years ago •
Oct 20, 2018
I would like to think that they would tell you, yes. There can be so much confusion around things, especially when you’re new. A mentor should know that. Are they obligated? No. But I think as far as creating open communication, I would hope that someone in that position would not only encourage it from your end, but lead by example from theirs
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