Enmeshment

Aradia Nightshade​(other female) • Jan 25, 2025

I didn't state anywhere that third parties have a day in anyone's dynamic.

It's logical that if someone is choosing to share information about their dynamic with others that they state what those terms mean to them, in order for effective communication to happen.

It makes little sense to try to communicate with someone, to engage, connect, understand, if there is no common vocabulary, but people making up definitions as they see fit. In this case, I was saying that each party providing their personal definitions would be preferable so that there's less confusion and each party knows what the hell the other party is talking about. It has nothing to do with imposing one's definition on another, it's about disclosing the definition to foster understanding.

I don't expect to find many profound changes but generational differences and woke culture have had some sort of impact I'm guessing.

MountaintopMaster • Jan 25, 2025

I agree with what Aradia Nightshade and others have said.

If these submissives consider themselves "slaves", then it ought to be as straightforward as saying, "it strongly displeases me when you do XYZ" ...and they ought to immediately cease such activities, or the dynamic and the relationship is over.

If these aren't "slaves" as per the BDSM definition, then, yeah, they are simply obsessed submissives, indeed just plain human beings, who need to learn about the basics of respect, boundaries, and appropriate behavior.

If they ever *claimed* to be slaves, even if it was just at the beginning of a dynamic, then you might be able to appeal to that original interest in them, and say, hey, we began a dynamic with the expectation that you wanted to try out being a "slave" or some form of service-oroented submissive. Your behavior, however, has made me feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and definitely uninterested in continuing a dynamic. You need to talk to a therapist about why you're not able to respect boundaries that I set out. This is a serious issue and if you ever want to be a man of your word, start now by showing respect for my boundaries, and respect for me as a human being."

As we discussed in the chat last night, unfortunately I think that many men simply lack much self-control at all. Dom, sub, vanilla, whatever, impulse control is seriously lacking.

It is also compounded by not only being male, but by being on the submissive end of the D/s spectrum. The very declaration of being a submissive implies that they need help creating structure, making tough decisions, and "serving" others, in one aspect of their life or another.

Such is the decaying nature of humanity. Entropy is a universal law.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jan 26, 2025

I won't dive into the semantics of "slave vs sub". As I was never "in the business" beyond a night here and there and perhaps over a weekend I can't speak to any of that.

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As for the main issue, to be succinct, from what I interpreted from the Original Post, you have a people problem, period. If they're doing all that fucked-up shit to "compete" for your attention, they got issues.

Try to communicate this outside the dynamic--- that what they're doing isn't what you signed on for and tell them they need to stop.

If they still do these things, which would, in your place, weird the hell out of me to begin with, then junk their asses and start over. Lots of fish in the sea, why settle for slimy eels?

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This is what's done in all relationships, BDSM or mainstream. If one party turns out to be out of his or her tree, the other says "goodbye" and moves on.

Easier said than done if emotions are in the mix, I realize, but remaining in a toxic situation just to spare someone's feelings-- will actually hurt everyone all the more in the end.

The longer you (rhet) stay in a burning house trying to save it, the darker those proverbial flames are going to tan your ass.

rsparks​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2025

I know I am not dominant, but I just read this and found the idea of it intriguing, by fact that I did not know this was even a thing. I have always been very independent and driven in my own individuality. I would like to see updates on how this goes for you.

I am surprised that they do not devote some of their time to their own hobbies and practices. For me, I need my own space, I need alone time, but I guess it's not that way for everyone.

friendlyfire • Jan 31, 2025

update: I have tried to cut ties with these individuals, but they will not accept it and so I am starting to remove myself from every community. I have deleted everything. I have given up all of my hobbies. I have given up all of my platforms. I have reformatted. I have changed. I no longer trust anyone or share myself online. If I am lonely, it is my fault. This is all my fault. I think the biggest mistake I made isn't being naive or inexperienced, but believing everyone was here for the same reasons I am. The reason of which highlights something I need to deal with before I ever do this again: loneliness. My need to connect with people superseded my safety and that is something I need to work on within myself. I have learned a lot from this and when I have recovered, I would like to teach others how to be safe online and prevent cyberstalking and harassment.

Sweet Minx​(sub female) • Feb 1, 2025

Take care of yourself. Get and be safe, worry about you, be in a good place and then look for a healthy dynamic. Good luck 💕

friendlyfire • Feb 1, 2025

I was never here to find a dynamic or meet anyone. I came here to explore, blog, chat and express myself with like-minded individuals. The issue is other people who do these sorts of things. As I've said. But yeah, I'll work on myself. Thanks for reminding me that it's all on me 🕊️☮️

Sweet Minx​(sub female) • Feb 1, 2025

Uhh what? You said they were your slaves which indicated you were in a dynamic. As their Domme or Master or whatever you were, you do have some accountability for sure. No need to be rude or defensive when YOU asked for advice.

Aradia Nightshade​(other female) • Feb 1, 2025

[quote I have learned a lot from this and when I have recovered, I would like to teach others how to be safe online and prevent cyberstalking and harassment./quote]. (Okay, I couldn't get this quote to work correctly, but it is a quote from FriendlyFire)

If you share your story about what happened, it indeed may help others avoid or minimize their risk of being cyberstalked.

While the decisions you made were "your fault", because you made them, it does NOT mean that everything is your fault. Sure, you may have made some wrong choices, but the fault lies with the individuals responsible for the cyberstalking. THEY chose to behave the way they are behaving.

It would be a good idea to get out of the mindset that "everything is your fault" because logic says it's not. Instead, acknowledge that you made wrong choices and own it. But I strongly recommend that you not accept all the blame. In fact, the blame is 100% with them because they did not have to use those wrong choices against you. They chose to. I don't even know if you made wrong choices or if you made nearly as many as you seem to be. But no matter what, it comes down to this: they CHOSE to behave that way.

Fault and blame ultimately lies with the individuals choosing their behaviour. Drowning yourself in guilt for something that logic says isn't your fault, and you aren't to blame for, is only going to slow down your recovery. Kick the blame and fault to the curb. You are only responsible for the choices you made. And quite possibly, your mistake was that you trusted the wrong people. That is not the same as you being the person to blame or it being your fault.

To sum up, drop the blame and fault and let those responsible carry it. Accept that your choices may have been wrong, but they are not the same as blame and fault, the two things that don't belong with you. If you can somehow accept the logic of what I'm saying, I think you could fast forward through some of your recovery. Not that these feelings can go away just because a mama bear (me) said so - but I sincerely hope that the logic will sink in and banish the idea of fault and blame being on you. Send it packing, send it to the people who deserve it. Then you can begin your recovery in earnest .

Mistress Kassandra​(dom female) • Feb 3, 2025

A slave making a fake profile using my information would be punished and then released. That's creepy and should be beyond the boundaries set in almost any dynamic.

I have enjoyed some writing a slave has done for me but it sounds like you do not like that yourself.

Make your boundaries clear and stick to them.