Appeal and Lack of Experience

Appeal and Lack of Experience

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2018

How important is the amount of experience a Dom has in terms of general appeal to a sub? And what can one do to mitigate that effect?

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Oct 29, 2018

Hello Sir

Well i have made a few posts on this subject. For me, it doesn't have to be experience as in "how many relationships have you had" as much as, "how much have you done to better yourself?" So someone who has had 14 submissives and all the relationships have crumbled for one reason or another, is less attractive than someone who has had no submissives, but has read several books/articles, attended some classes/seminars and have been a part of a few different D/s, S/m, L/s or BDSM communities.

To mitigate your "experience" attractiveness, i suggest reading some books and/or articles on what a healthy D/s relationship needs and looks like, then maybe attend at least one class or seminar.

Bunnie • Oct 29, 2018

Hi @ DomBeginner, great question
As far as anything that can cause harm, I’d say experience is imperative. Within the world of bdsm... that’s most things.
One of the most attractive characteristics of a person, for myself, is self awareness. The ability to master oneself before even considering attempting to master another. So I tend to be drawn more towards people who may not necessarily have kink experience (unless it’s specifically for play), but who have life experience, and who have come to know who they are. In regards to kink and play... I only play with those I trust. If I don’t know them very well, I will only play with them once I’ve seen them play beforehand, and negotiated like crazy. Some things when done, can’t be undone. I’m a cautious person.
I think ultimately, it’s all about trust. Learning to trust yourself (through development), and proving to others that you’re trustworthy. I think that the word “experience” is too generally thrown around. There are many many factors incorporated into “experience.” I’d suggest learning, learning and learning some more... both theoretically and practically (join a local group, find those willing to pass on knowledge and techniques etc)... about yourself, about others, about everything that interests you (and things that don’t), about safe practices, communication, anatomy... the list is endless really. The key is to never put yourself or someone else in a situation that is beyond your capabilities. If you can achieve that, you’re doing well

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Oct 30, 2018

Thank-you all for your very thoughtful and helpful replies. It is interesting to see the different perspectives - though they seem to have the main point in common. That's actually somewhat reassuring lol.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 30, 2018

We all have to start somewhere. For me, it isn't about how much they have it is ALL about how much are they willing to learn?

That is for any Dom/me with any amount of experience.

Never stop learning and never know it all.


I went to this amazing class about playing with liquid nitrogen.

I want to keep learning as long as I am on this journey.

sweet november​(sub female) • Oct 30, 2018

You should have had at least one harem, 2 slaves, tied yourself up, wrote an erotic novel on BDSM and a partridge in a pear tree to even be close.....?

Actually, I've learned sincerity, patience, honesty and trusting one's gut, humbleness, and willingness to learn and listen are attractive qualities in a Dom. And sub.
Even if it's hard.
And learning from mistakes.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Oct 30, 2018

A sub need to feel safe, and that she will come out alive from a session. You know all these fantasy about ropes, strangulation, rough sex etc from soft risk to serious one, she need to know you are in control of all of this. A mistake can be really serious.
So its all about how serious you want to be?

Lostasfuck​(sub female) • Nov 1, 2018

Varying emotional responses. Need more emojis lol but they all fall under the thumbs up

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Nov 1, 2018

Hi Fab, thank you very much for the reply.

I wrote the OP with the supposition that the Dom in question (me) is possessed of common sense. For instance, I don't know much about bondage beyond the very very basics (tying hands and feet, cuffs etc.) so I'm not about to do suspensions. I'm happy to learn more of the intricacies if she's into it but there is only so much one can learn sitting alone fiddling with their rope (I called this period adolescence.) So when I go to actually apply the theoretical to the practical I am likely to be somewhat slow and imperfect and it will take time.

I've used bondage as an example but the same can apply to anything. That is the thrust of the initial question. How much does the prospect of that process effect the appeal of a Dom to a sub.

Thank-you all for your replies. I'm really enjoying the exchange and the perspectives from both sides. You all kick ass.

Lostasfuck​(sub female) • Nov 1, 2018

A sub will always be forgiving if she wants her masters happiness as her first priority and her own a very close second. She will gladly be tied up for quite awhile but her mind will wander uncontrollably if she’s not played with sooner rather than later. It’s a survival instinct. All limits must be verbally established up front in order to avoid panic. Keep researching if you must but it sounds like an honest conversation is what’s needed even if it’s hard on both parties