Protect your ass from abuse??

Protect your ass from abuse??

Meja • Dec 25, 2018

How do you really protect yourself from abusers in bdsm?
Can you really use "safe word" if you are for some reason not able to, like, sub space?
Will a charismatic rich invite you to party Dom get away with things, or how is he or she dealt with??
Will any abuse that happen not be blamed on the sub?
Will a sub always be protected at a gathering or munch?
How do you weed out the wrong ones?
Have you witnessed abuse get away with?

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 25, 2018

These are amazing questions.


How everyone protect themselves from abusers is different because how everyone defines what an abuser is is different.




Can you call a safe word at any time for any reason? Absolutely you can. That does not mean it's going to be honored.



Will a charismatic Rich ask you over to do whatever they want oh, sure. However you can probably remove the rich part. Charismatic yes absolutely.




Will any abuse be blamed on the sub. It depends on who has more power within that particular community.


Just a little bit of BDSM history here this is the first time within our culture that people that have been abused have a platform. So our culture is new to dealing with listening to those that have been abused. The sub is more often times than not, made to be the guilty party, because that tends to be easier for people. However if you have an unknown dominant and a really well-known submissive that is highly liked within a community, those rolls can be reversed.





No a submissive I will not always be protected at a party or a munch.




You personally have to determine what your standards for abuse are. And hold those around you accountable. Over time that will allow you to weed out the ones that you find are abusive






Have I witnessed abuse that people have gotten away with? Absolutely. These are people that create their own venues and have been doing so for years. They are very smart and that they drive away the ones that they abused so that the abused do not get a chance to tell their story. And they continue to remain in power. And they continue to abuse. It's not as simple as just stopping somebody.





Years ago there was this ridiculously bad community meeting. And they were talking about stopping predators. And so I raised my hand and I said--- number one: let's say I'm an abuser. Number two :
I advertise , create, and host my own events. Number 3: how do you stop me?





Of course everybody bumbled because there are no answers here.






This brings me to one more thing . I do not put people "under protection". I believe that these are adult games and that they need to learn how to figure out who it's safe for them and who isn't. They need to be able to develop that own internal sense. Me putting someone under protection, I believe makes it more difficult for them to develop that sense.



I can't wait to read the responses here. Great post!

Miki • Dec 25, 2018

Rule #1 -- Tread carefully. Fools rush in and all that shit. Get to know who you plan to play with before getting into the scene. Not foolproof as an battered wife will tell you but a good degree safer than a blind hookup with a dude you meet in a bar, munch, or whatever and safer still than agreeing to meet and play with those you meet online.

As per my profile, "meet me" ain't happening. I get my jollies locally and that is one reason. I'm a masochist but have no desire to star in a "snuff film".

Good things take time. Trust your instincts and after having said all that, being a sub let alone masochist is an inherently risky endeavor.

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Dec 25, 2018

It is really difficult i think to be able to weed them out ahead of time. I think you need to have a strong sense of who you are and what you will tolerate and what you won't. Be clear in communicating your needs and desires, and limits. When i say limits, i am not thinking about what kinds of play you won't participate in, but what you expect from a potential Dom.

There are some forms of play in which it is possible to cross the line and you need to have a sense for your own line. Then hold your Dom accountable to respect what you have communicated up front.

Talk, talk, talk about it with your Dom. Make him/her prove they are going to respect your submission, not just accept the gift, but protect and cherish it.

Listen to your inner voice and when something doesn't feel right, deal with it. Don't convince yourself it is just you being emotional or silly.

Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you have to tolerate any behavior that feels wrong. Talk about it with your Dom. It is a good thing when a sub stands up for herself. I encourage it with mine. Anytime we need to talk we do.

Meja • Dec 26, 2018

Thank you for answers, I'm thinking enforce camera on party or play settings would be an idea? I'm surprised Noones thought of that. Then you can document. And how you can assure the camera is working before the fact. And any Dom who refuse... Gotcha. In return, video destroyed, after a good session. Everyone happy. Isn't that a good thing.