A soft release

CapnRick​(dom male) • Feb 2, 2019

Intriguing topic, Bunnie ---

I'm no better at break-ups than anyone else, and there may not even be a right way... and yes, from one experience, I know how wounding it can be suddenly to be the hot potato getting dropped...

What I'd like to mention is that I have found it reassuring to any sub of mine to be told, and sometimes repeatedly need to be told, that I will NEVER just ghost them.....
Of all the ways to end a relationship, ghosting is certainly the cruelest and least mature. It leaves 'the other' totally at a loss--no closure, no reasons, no explanation--just a big empty hurt coming out of the blue.

At least a Dom or Domme who promises never to be a ghost, and follows through on that promise, has conveyed a sense of not being a coward when/if a break-up is being contemplated. Maybe that day never comes, but at least the other party has some assurance that their partner will "man up" or "woman up" if it does come.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Feb 3, 2019

Well timed post as I am in that pickle right now.

Because I organize events turning someone down has different consequences .

I risk the refusal also driving them out of the group.


Recently I was approached to play and stupidly accepted.

Now, I need to back out.

Dont shit where you eat.

I've been mulling over how to do this.

I think I'll go with the "it's not you, iits me"
Followed with "my plate is very full. I thought I could but I'm just not able to."


The trick is to somehow let her down without her feeling uncomfortable.
While simultaneously helping her to still feel welcomed to the group.



I'm kicking myself for going down this road in the first place.

Bunnie • Feb 3, 2019

@ MasterBear, we all find ourselves in these situations at times, and I really appreciate your honesty in sharing this. I think things like this need to be discussed more so that we can all learn from each other.

Asteria​(neither female) • Feb 3, 2019

It's going to be a bit off topic to original question, but well...

It's not about being aware of potential triggers, Bunnie. I guess we all have some kind of triggers, things we don't like or we react on them somehow. And that's pretty normal.

What I rather had in mind is that sometimes we keep discussing things that should be obvious. It makes me squirm and question lots of things. Things I've mentioned - honesty, openness, loyalty, care - are pretty basic (see: Maslow's hierarchy, for example). Those are things necessary in a healthy relationship - and no, I am not talking here about "romantic" or D/s relationships. These things are necessary when it comes to friendship as well. Relationships that lack one of all these things are - in my opinion - far from being healthy and good. But they might come much closer to abusive ones. Delivering those things in a relationship should not be the reason of any pressure. It does not matter whether "needy" is seen as a negative or positive word, I think having those basic needs should not be considered in terms of neediness at all...

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 3, 2019

I try to keep the belief when starting with some one new...that they are also friends before anything else, its a facet I need to function as a Dominant (hard limit), to that person. If we do part ways...I tend to "try" keep the friendship. After all if you start as friends, it should be something of value you wish to keep. Like Capn'Rick I tend not to ghost. Good topic Bunnie. I wish I had the perfect answer but I think everyone fracks up on "relationships" ending.

Miki • Feb 3, 2019

Yes, "needy" carries an unsavory connotation in general. "A needy baby" is one that cries a lot, cannot be set down for a minute, it seems and so-forth. This is often in the context of a mother who has had other children and the current one is "needy" because he or she wants mommy's attention way more than any of the others... and she's bitching to someone about it.

*EDIT*: "You wrote "ghosting"-- Ghosting is not the soft break up. It's a coward's way to break up.. I would recommend against it. *END EDIT*



Needy men, needy women.. both connote inability to stand on their own, etc.

I know you did not intend for that but I'm at a loss for a better way to put it except "subs" are subs for that reason, or at least it figures into the equation. They want another to be the take-charge one in their lives, etc. Not always.. It's the difference I see when I call myself a "masochist" and not a 'sub". It's a form of sexual gratification where I get off being vulnerable, controlled, at the whims and mercy of the one with the crop, etc. But aside from that I am fiercely independent and as such I don't currently do relationships because they would cramp my style. They would have to because when one enters a relationship it cannot be "just about me". So compromises and sacrifices would be in order and as for me "Not today."

Break up.. Not fun. But best if done clean, complete and with respect and so-forth. And face to face!

Those among us who do the "ghosting" thing.. Those are the dregs.

Something doesn't work.. something is out of tune.. No longer a spark-- whatever it is, remember, "It's No Good If You Have To Force It".
Man-up. Woman-up, tell the truth -- yeah it sucks to have to do that to anyone, but better than the alternative IMHO.

NorthernKitten​(sub female) • Feb 3, 2019

Interesting topic, thanks for putting it all up to help a newbie.

iexistforher​(sub male){desire tra} • Feb 8, 2019

I just had a conversation with my Domme master about this. I made her aware that I'm not interested in helping her "enhance" her demands of me. To "kick things up a notch" if you will , because it's what "I" want. I let her know that she should only take things as far as what she loves, what turns her on. And that if I feel like I'm needing a more hardcore experience that I will make myself available to someone else. Not leave per say but keep my options open by being available. She was very OK with that.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Feb 9, 2019

I think all you can do is shoot for honesty. There isn't an easy let down if the person you are letting go is completely invested in you or the relationship. It isn't fun and it can be both painful and awkward, but the longer you draw it out the worse it gets.

I can't think of a single thing that my Sir could say that wouldn't completely devastate me if it included "so I think we should part ways". All I could ask is that he respected me enough to just rip the bandaid once he'd decided it wasn't what he wanted.

bigolebubba​(dom male) • Feb 9, 2019

I always learn so much from these blogs. I also with agree of the need for a large amount of communication. That is why I have rules that I follow and set forth with my sub from the beginning. One is I always have a two week trial period. I set forth that during that time...if either party feels that the relationship is not working out...all they have to do is tell the other....a discussion takes place....and the two part as adults and friends. That even carries over if the after the two weeks it is agreed upon that the both parties would like to continue the relationship. If something happens....and either party feels it needs to end....all they have to do is say so....and again...discussion...part as adults and friends. I feel that this openness at the beginning allows an "out" so to say for both if ever needed. I also agreed to never ghost or block unless harassment and I expect the same from a sub.