Compatibility

Compatibility

Bunnie • Jan 30, 2019

What are some of the things that you consider to be (most) important to you, in terms of compatibility, when you’re looking for a Dominant/submissive?

Kink preferences? Political views? Religious views? Lifestyle/dynamic preference?

Kara​(sub female){Dark Roast} • Jan 30, 2019

None of the above. I look for someone who I would date if we were both vanilla. I look for someone with a wonderful personality and amazing chemistry. I look for common interests and understanding of who I am.

Seriously, kink is not about the action but what leads up to it. It’s about respect and affection, not dynamic or lifestyle. The journey and the detours, not the destination.

KjekkSverd • Jan 31, 2019

I so agree Kara. I've come to realize that the most satisfying encounters/relationships I've had in the past couple of years all had easy/natural communication right from the outset. It's what I look for now.

ropefish • Jan 31, 2019

I have a few.

The chemistry has to be there for me. I've been in dynamics where our kinks were practically opposite, but I still had an amazing time because the chemistry was so good. I've also been in a dynamic where our kinks matched but he was hard to talk to as a person, and that made the relationship incredibly unfulfilling.

Level of involvement is something non-negotiable for me. I'm not a slave and I have never wanted a 24/7 dynamic. It's important to me to be balanced, and to have time to myself where I am not in subspace. No matter how well I connect with someone or how aligned our kinks, a 24/7 relationship would be a deal breaker for me.

Similarly, I also will not enter a monogamous dynamic. Every monogamous relationship I've ever had has crashed and burned due to my poly nature, and I believe it would be counter-intuitive to put myself in a situation like that again.


So those would be my 3 base requirements: chemistry, level of involvement, and poly.
I can't wait to hear everyone else's answers! I'm assuming there are a lot of people opposite me, for whom monogamy is a requirement. Such a great topic!

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Jan 31, 2019

I wanna see your answers too bunnie ^_^

For me, the most important thing is their view and understanding of Love. If our views match, we can work through pretty much anything.

After that, i am just looking for "wisdom" maturity and how grounded in reality they are. So like, acknowledging that we are all human, with different flaws and quirks. Knowing that we won't always get along, but that our love for each other is the most important thing.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Jan 31, 2019

Love, love, and more love.

For me, love is the most powerful force in this world, and relationships simply cannot work without it. As I said, for me Haha, not saying play partners without love isnt okay or anything for others. Being Demi, that connection/has/ to be there, and I take it a little further, I won't do anything intimate if i dont have love for someone. You can ask Wolfy, it took me a while before I tried to do anything with him and not just because we were long distance.

Respect is another important thing... if you can't respect me or our relationship it will never work. I'm rather particular about how I feel regarding certain aspects of a relationship... and if that cant be respected, I'm going to struggle. I can try to work around things, but forcing me into something I'm not okay with, is just going to close me off and push me away.

For me, a strong trust base is important. If I cant trust you... it wont happen. I've been burned a lot in the past - by friends - and so I struggle with trust. Keep being trustworthy though and I can get over it.

Above all else though, as I said first, love. If you love someone - you truly love them - you can conquer all. I fully believe in and stand by that.

Bunnie • Jan 31, 2019

Lol Wolfy... you got me ok here goes...

“What are some of the things that you consider to be (most) important to you, in terms of compatibility, when you’re looking for a Dominant/submissive?”

Probably one of the first and foremost for me, would be core values. I cannot follow a man I don’t respect.

Things with the potential for fanaticism (eg. racism/religion/political beliefs/social beliefs), would be something I would look at closely in terms of compatibility.

Another aspect, would be that we are on the same page as to the type of lifestyle/dynamic we both seek... M/s? D/s? DD/lg? 24/7? TPE? Based in Antarctica? Living in a treehouse? What about diet or health preferences? Wanting children or not? Belief in marriage or not? Poly? Mono?

Kinks/fetishes... definitely. I have met a man who’s fetish is broken ankles, and another who is into hanging, and a Master who’s slave drinks his urine. There are many different people, with many different tastes. Just because we don’t see them here, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Clarifying what you’re looking for and not looking for is not only about compatibility... it’s also about not getting into situations that aren’t right for you.

It’s easy to overlook these things as thinking that it’s “making it all about sex.” Looking at these aspects is far more realistic to me than finding out if we both like “walks along the beach.” Yes, those things are lovely, however I’m not looking for a clone... and for me, the things I would consider to be the more “superficial” aspects of compatibility are the things that I would consider myself to be more flexible on.

I’ll add any more if/when they come to mind

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 31, 2019

Religion doesn't matter. Unless they are rabid, preachy, and want to convert others.


They also have to bring something to my table. If they are unemployed and not in school I have no interest.

No small or medium kids
No drugs.
No alcohol when we are together.
Must be financially solvent.
Must be intelligent.
Must have self esteem.
Must respect my relationship with My Love. Or double fast to the curb.
Must do 2 way conversation.
ABSOLUTELY NO Trump supporters.
Not a yes person.
Must have experience.
I will NOT chase.


And that is just the basics.


If they are looking to serve then these ALSO apply:

No brats
No excuses
Must take direction
Must show initiative and drive
Must have personal accountability
Must be outside focused, in other words, wants to please others without wanting to draw attention to themselves.



Over the years I have come understand the importance of what I have to offer. This means that I am less likely or able to waste my time on people that drain me.
Bringing something to my table is huge.

WillowJ • Jan 31, 2019

I have yet to find someone that fits me yet, so maybe my approach doesn't work. Someone else mentioned they approach it as they would a vanilla relationship, which I also do.

Just like in a vanilla relationship its about the connection. I need someone that can hold their own in a conversation with me, especially with opposing views. As conversations occur, even if on different sides of things politically, religion...., I learn about them, their anger, their ability to hear me out. Through these conversations I am able to asses honesty and truthfulness. Then the conversations typically turn to kinks. It's important to me that some of our kinks align, for example if someone is looking for control over every day things i.e. what to wear, what to eat..., I'm not a fit for them. If they want someone who will say mantra's and have a strict regimen, they would be disappointed with me and I let them know up front that its a bad fit. If its kinks; like harsh breast manipulation, I am honest and say I don't think that is me, but if I end up trusting them enough I might be willing to try.

If its an online connection then once the conversations occur, then exchange photos, talk on phone....and I hate to admit it but I also need the physical attraction (visual and voice) if that's not there, then I know I could never be physical with them. However, to be honest its a rarity for me to get beyond the conversation. When I first joined the site, I was over eager and quickly jumped into online situations that I wasn't ready for. It's much easier for me to handle this in real life than online. I've met amazing people at munches and workshops but no one that I have a spark with. Then there are those that I've had great conversations with online but never get beyond the conversation stage. Maybe I'm too hesitant and my process takes too long because I often end up getting ghosted.

Long story short...I look for the connection (mentally and physically), honesty, and then kinks.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Jan 31, 2019

i have been thinking about this ever since it was posted and how to explain things to make sense.

**** and now my brain hurts****

so lets begin:

1. i look for someone that i would date with or without the kink. ( because its not all about the kink or sex)
2. Someone that is in the same book as me . the page only matters from time to time . ( i can explain in more depth about that if need to anyone who wants to know)
3. After meting them and seeing if there is more of a connection in person than just words on a page or a voice on the phone ( VERY IMPORTANT). are we able to just sit quietly and enjoy each others company?
4. Music .... needs to LOVE it
5. And how they deal with my silliest and crack smoking hamster.

there is much more to it but thats a start