Monogamous, open, and polyamorous

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Feb 12, 2019

@nawazakana; I don't think you should feel judged. You've hit the nail on the head with context.

It's perfectly ok to acknowledge something as disrespectful in a monogamous context without implying anything about the same behavior in a poly relationship. Every relationship has it's own boundaries there. It's about mutual respect regardless of dynamic.

For me, the definition is pretty conventional.

Monogamous is dedicated to one partner. For the monogamous, romantic attention and time spent on others outside their primary partner weakens that bond.

Non monogamous relationships happen outside or absent of an existing relationship.

Polyamory is a subset of non monogamy where all partners involved have meaningful romantic connections. There are many variants of this. In some all partners play and live together. In others, the interaction is minimal or non existent even on a social levels.

Their relationships, time and attention spent with with others do not weaken their existing bonds.


Neither is wrong, neither is superior. In both open honest communication and bond are key.

They are different, and if two hearts meet that work different ways, that usually causes pain. Sometimes this pain extends to minds meeting in debate.

I think we can all learn from how the other side of the fence defines things like trust, respect and fidelity within their own relationships without seeing judgement of the other side there.

Moonstruck • Feb 12, 2019

I often use analogies to explain a concept with which either I or the person I’m speaking with has limited or no experience. In this case, I would go back in time and talk about high school/college. Chances are you were friends with a group of people, not just one. That won’t be true of everyone, of course, but I think it will true of enough people to work in this instance. Different groups would have had different dynamics. In my cliche, there was a core group composed of myself, my friend B, and my friend D. B and D had been friends since elementary school. I met B in a class in high school. B introduced me to D and we all got along great. Sometimes B and D would do something together without me. Sometimes I would do something with just one of them. Much of the time, though, it was all three of us. There were a couple of times early on when I felt insecure about my relationship with B because she chose to do something exclusive with D. I had to talk to her and talk to myself to get to a place where their relationship wasn’t a “threat” to our relationships. I got there. We were fine.

There were a couple of people outside of our core group, a kind of second tier or second circle, so to speak. Sometimes we’d ALL do something together, other times not. It had more to do with interest and logistics then depth of relationship, although the depth of the relationships were different BECAUSE we didn’t spend as much time together. Regardless, those girls were my tribe. Heck, at one point, five of us either were or had recently dated the same guy. Now THAT was interesting.

Anyway, it would seem to me that polyamorous relationships would be similar, or similar enough to make them understandable. What I felt for B wasn’t the same as what I felt for D. One was no more or less important than the other, nor were the relationships less deep because of the additional person. I would think that, at some point, this might cease to be true, but that again is simply a matter of time. Time is a finite resource and more people involved could equal less time, and that might affect the relationships.

Anyway, those of you who are involved in a poly relationship can correct any misunderstandings I may have or any misrepresentations given. I think poly is interesting. I don’t know if it’s for me, but I’m fascinated by it’s practice and practitioners.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Feb 13, 2019

No corrections needed, it's a surprisingly apt analogy.

Yes, there are time management challenges, as there are with all relationships.

Hierarchy within poly if any exists can be a tricky thing. Some are fine with an outside or satellite role to a 'nesting' or 'primary' partner, and others still need all parties involved on the same level.

Much like kink, two folks can both do honest healthy poly but not be compatible with each other's needs. It's not a 'oh, you're poly too, let's go!' thing. It's much more like comparing notes on what poly looks like to each other, ideal goals and past experiences.

Yep, hearts get battered a lot more often, but I find it manageable if everyone acknowledges and talks through situations and feelings as they encounter them. Simmering resentment or doubt gets bad even quicker in poly, and an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

ZaftigV​(switch female){sub matt} • Feb 13, 2019

Mono... two people committed to each other only. No dating, playing etc with anyone else.

Open... two people in a committed relationship who play outside the relationship and typically have the rule of no "feels" or falling in love with anyone else. They may or may not play together with outside peeps.

Polyamourous/ethical non monogamy... following your heart and loving multiple people. The relationship doesn't necessarily have to include sex. Too many variations to mention. Lol

I'm solo polyamorous and a relationship anarchist.

So long as there is love, communication, respect and honesty there is no wrong way.

DrWakko • Feb 13, 2019

Mono: 2 people in a relationship

Open: a form of poly

Poly: more than 2 people in a relationship with each other.

If you are interested in poly read The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton

Jayy146​(sub female) • Feb 13, 2019

Honestly I’ve never been in a poly relationship but I have been in the tight 3 group circle in high school like mentioned above. It caused me a lot of insecurities and worrying over stupid things. I felt like it was so stressful and yes I probably needed to talk about it more with them. But I’d always be scared they’d talk about me behind my back or anything like that. I feel like a poly relationship would set me up for major anxiety. But I know everyone is different and if it works for you go for it! Personally I’m in an open relationship and it’s great because I’m not stressed about us dating the same people together and having that competition feeling inside me. Idk of what I’m saying makes sense but it’s interesting to understand.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Feb 13, 2019

I've been noticing a great variety of definition for open vs poly. I'd just like to quote something from the googlewebs that adds clarity to what I said earlier.

"Polyamory means having multiple romantic relationships at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

An open relationship is a relationship where the parties are free to take new partners.

The terms both fall under the heading of "ethical nonmonogamy," but they are not synonymous. You can combine them or do one without the other.

If your relationship is polyamorous and open, then it's kosher for you to take new relationships, and you may fall in love with your partners. My relationships work this way.

If your relationship is polyamorous and closed, then you have more than one partner but have agreed not to take any new ones. For example, you could have a closed triad, a group of three people who are only involved with each other and don't get involved with anyone else.

If your relationship is open and not polyamorous, then you may take new partners, but these connections are not supposed to be romantic. Swingers often have sex outside their main relationship, but keep it casual.

If your relationship is neither open nor polyamorous, you're probably monogamous."

RetroW • Mar 19, 2019

Polyamory especially means something different to everything person who lives it or tries to understand it.
My own relationship and point of view means that my partners’ partner doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with me.
I find it’s all about the emotional connections that you forge with other humans, not just about the sex or getting bored with someone.
It’s certainly not disrespectful to any party involved at all! Quite the opposite, it’s entirely built on respect.

movingclouds​(sadist male) • Mar 20, 2019

I've tried different arrangements. Personally, sexual monogamy is too restrictive, and I will inevitably end up cheating if I'm expected to keep up that facade.

I prefer to have some level of emotional monogamy, establishing a unique and powerful emotional bond with my partner, collaring her, and giving her the majority of my attention and emotional capacity.

Full polyamory doesn't work for me. Ignoring the emotional messiness, I don't have the time or inclination to figure out the logistics of being with several long-term partners.

I don't expect my partner to be sexually monogamous either, but due to my preferred relationship dynamics (something with the flavor of Master/slave), her sexual activity is highly regulated by me in various capacities. I generally enjoy watching my partner getting fucked, renting her out, taking her in public and having her service other men, and generally treating her body as a pleasure object to be used and abused as I see fit. My ideal partner is also bisexual and more than happy to involve other women for various kinds of play.

I suppose my preference can be summed up as monogamous with an openness to involving others for sexual escapades.

SensualAva​(dom female) • Mar 20, 2019

I'm polyamorous, for my husband and I we are open to committed and loving relationships separately (or together if that so happens). I prefer transparency and respect. Respect me enough to give me relevant information for consent.

I will not get involved in any other DADT (don't ask don't tell) arrangements. I've been involved with one, and it hurts. I can't hide things from people I care about. So the term kitchen table poly applies, basically I like to know my partners' partners. I'm friends or friendly with them, and can talk to them if I need to.