Getting a Collar (Necklace?)

Getting a Collar (Necklace?)

MrsDocSyndrome • Feb 13, 2019

So a few months back I got it in my head that I wanted to get a collar. That turned into wanting to get a chain necklace with a padlock seeing as a genuine collar may not be accepted in the workplace. My husband and I talked about it lightly until he told me that to him, things like that are an entire lifestyle, so if we were to get me a collar, we would enter into a complete dom/sub lifestyle.

I guess my question is what does that entail? What exactly is a BDSM lifestyle?

Lexxa​(sub female) • Feb 13, 2019

Well the short answer is that there’s probably a million and a half answers to that question.

The longer answer is that just like any lifestyle, a BDSM lifestyle is what you and your partner make of it. Every relationship will have its own unique dynamic. This is a better question to ask your partner and have an open discussion about what entering into a BDSM lifestyle would mean to you both. Whether that ends up being a 24/7 type of arrangement or something you limit to home or the bedroom is entirely up to you both, including what type of specific power exchange dynamic you’re seeking. If you’re not really sure what type of dynamic works best for you both that’s okay! There’s nothing wrong with exploring them all and finding what mutually works. Plus that’s part of the fun!

dollMaker​(dom male) • Feb 13, 2019

That is a very complex question to try and answer, though I would say that 'the lifestyle' can be whatever you want or need it to be. You can take whatever elements you like from whatever aspects and apply, blend them to create your own unique 'lifestyle.'

There will be those who will tell you that you must do things their favoured way, that that is the only way to do things. These gatekeepers unfortunately often lack the understanding or an open enough mind to realise that what works for them, will not for others, though there might be some aspects of their 'way' that might be useful.

What I can say easily is that the sub is always, no matter what able to say no, withdraw their consent and stop, pause or walk away from the activity. The foundation upon which the 'lifestyle' is based, must be based, should always be based is freely given, enthusiastic, informed consent, and consent that can be reversed, at any time.

I would urge you and your husband to spend a period of time learning about the various aspects, history, and culture of the 'lifestyle' first before doing anything. That will give you a better appreciation for, and foundation to select the aspects, elements that might work for you both. Dont rush into anything. Many, even very simple activities carry great risk of physical, emotional hurt, damage. BDSM can be very dangerous, so safety first always.

Books I would recommend as a good resource are: Screw the Roses send Me the Thorns, The Loving Dominant, The New Topping Book, The New Bottoming Book. BDSM 101 is also a useful book. There are lots of books out there, these are good ones to start with, and from these you can explore others.

You Tube channels of worth Evie Lupine, submissives Guide, Morgan Thorne, Master Arcane/Crow Academy. There are others but I think these are among the best that I currently know of, with consistently well presented sound information, though Evie Lupine recently said faking it till you make it, was ok. I dont think that is sound advice.

Useful websites the submssives guide, The Crow academy, The dominants guide.

My advice with the 'lifestyle' is crawl before you walk, walk before you run, take your time and learn first. Once you have an idea of wbat interests you, activity, dynamic type then you both could consider taking classes together, attending workshops, maybe go to conventions. If it isnt an issue for your private lives, work etc then getting involved in your local communities would be an option, but you dont have to do that. Often there are open days, evenings, 101 introduction nights at local dungeons, clubs you can go to, and those are worth attending. If the social side also is of interest then attending casual vanilla setting get togethers are an option, these can involve sharing a meal and are called Munches. Most communities have social non play typed activities as well as play based ones.

Finally welcome, and I wish you both the very best on your journey together, and it should be a mutual journey and you should both learn together and both be proactive in that learning.

unbeliever​(dom male) • Feb 13, 2019

I agree with everything Lexxa and dollMaker said. But I will like to say something about the topic – Collar.

I have used to approach to the collar and collaring lightly, but once when I started to think about collar and symbolism and power of it, I come to the conclusion that I’m underusing very powerful instrument. So, I devise a play to maximise the usefulness of collar and found it a great tool for working on psychological aspects of D/s relationship. It’s great to help to me for years and years.

Now like any magical trick, once revealed it can lose on attractiveness, and since the forum is opened to submissives I wouldn’t like to spoil their pleasure in this. But if any dominant need idea or talk on the topic, please feel free to message me. I would be happy to help. Especially in training new ones.

Ofc! It’s all me. I’m all into that psychological aspect of the relationship, and my play will probably suit every taste. It’s ok! Like dollmaker said it is what you and your partner make of it.

But my advice is not to approach it lightly. If you’re dominant you think about it and use it carefully it will become one of the most powerful tools in your toolset.
Ofc! You can always hand it on and sad “It’s a collar. Put it on. And then…” but for me, that approach is a great waste of a wery waluable asset.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Feb 13, 2019

For some collars are wedding rings and for others a fetish, way of bondage, means of control, something nice to wear, a fashion item. All of those things are valid, but no one is universal to all, nor should it be so.

There can be a serious lack of respect for the diversity of views around this topic. its a contentious topic with lots who will try and force their views as being the only way to use collars. In my view there is no universal truth and one true way regarding collars. A collar is only what those who use them in their relationship dynamic place into it, other wise its just an item that goes round the neck. The meaning and value exists ONLY within those peoples heads. I respect traditional views on collars, but I also respect those who choose to see them as something else, something that suits them.

Sure in time that item might come to symbolise a lot, a very deep thing, a deep bond, a symbol of ownership, belonging, commitment and its good to be aware of that possibility, the traditions that SOME have about collars, that you might adopt, but until then a collar is what YOU make it, not what others make it to be, or TRY and force you to make it be.

Bunnie • Feb 13, 2019

Hi @ MrsDocSyndrome,

“I guess my question is what does that entail? What exactly is a BDSM lifestyle?”

Here are a few links to other forums on the cage that may help give you an idea around the diversity of thoughts surrounding bdsm... and some resource material. This is by no means everything lol... but it’s definitely a start

https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=905&highlight=

https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=275

https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=1176&highlight=

https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=230&highlight=

And some (I think) good all-round general knowledge sites:

http://www.submissiveguide.com/

http://kinktoychest.com/index.php/castle-realm-archives

You’ll get many different answers as to what bdsm is. In my opinion, it’s great to learn about the history and foundation... and even protocols (if that’s of interest), however, I also believe it’s good to do some reading and research and listen to podcasts (there are some fantastic ones here on the cage), and form your own opinion of what it means for the two of you

unbeliever​(dom male) • Feb 13, 2019

I agree dollmaker.

I don’t want to be misunderstood. I was talking subjectively. I was sharing my views and talking about my way of doing things. I would like to repeat, it’s my way, it doesn’t have to be everybody’s way and it will not suite everybody!

It was not my intention to disrespect anybody. I highly respect diversity of approaches and views in BDSM community (and any other community). I wouldn’t like it any other way. It’s what make thing interesting. There is as much path to follow as there is members of this community, an few more than that. If way you’re doing things suite you and your partner, it’s a good way!

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Feb 13, 2019

Also to add to books to read, I suggest, "Leading and Supportive Love" by Chris M. Lyon. It's what helped my husband realize/understand his submissiveness, and I my Domme ways. It explains both sides of the coin, how they work in a relationship, what they're looking for, ect. It can be a huge help to understand yourselves and the basics of the lifestyle, and does a good job at talking about the common misconceptions.

Low{BLK OWND} • Feb 13, 2019

Lots of great information here ! One thing I will say
Being collared by my Dom had huge importance ! Much more than I think being handed a collar.
Having my cuck there sealed the deal as well for the 3 of us .
It's very very powerful

ropefish • Feb 13, 2019

I'll echo what dollMaker said. Collars are incredibly powerful and significant if you decide that's what you want them to be, but they can be other things as well.

I have a fairly sizable collection of collars and chokers. A few of them were from bdsm dynamics where I was actually collared and owned. Those are incredibly important to me, and I treat them differently. I don't wear them anymore, and I don't include them in things like blog posts like I do with my ther collars. I keep them for sentimental value.

The other collars I have were gifts, or ones I bought for myself because I liked them. They allow me to express my submissive side and my love of objectification, and are not tied to any particular dynamic. These I'll wear out whenever I please (to the club, to the library, to the grocery store, on a Tuesday), and I'm happy to show them off in blog posts and such. I love the way they look, and the way they feel around my neck. They make me happy.

If you want to wear a collar just because you like them, I say go for it. You don't have to become a slave or a 24/7 sub just to have a collar. Do what makes you happy, define them the way you want to.