4 way relationship.

4 way relationship.

SynUnrestricted​(dom female) • Feb 21, 2019

I'm in an absolutely amazing non-kink 4-way relationship. I love them all fiercely. I will not give up on the relationship until they say so.

What I don't know how to handle is the constant feeling that I'm not enough or that I don't matter.

She is an amazing woman. Strong, passionate, thoughtful, loving, gorgeous.
Her husband (her primary), as well as my boyfriend, is quiet, strong, accepting, kind.
My boyfriend (my primary), as well as her boyfriend, is humorous, strong, quick witted, loving, kind.

Due to my past, I have never seen myself as anything like the qualities I stated for them.
I am a caretaker, someone who takes care of the tedious, monotonous and boring tasks (laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping etc) so they can focus on bigger more important aspects of life.

I just feel like it's not enough. I'm not enough.

I'm struggling with this, and they are tired of hearing about it. Don't blame them honestly.

(Yes, dominate women can struggle with these feelings)

MasterBear​(other butch) • Feb 22, 2019

OMG thank you for this.


We are a triad ( going on 9 years) and I have struggled with feelings of "I'm not enough" for years.

I've come to think that I have this deep belief about myself that has nothing to do with the immense amount of positive attention that I get.

My play cards and my sex cards are overflowing.

All my partners desire me because of who I am and how I look.

And still I struggle.

Even I shake my head at my own self.

I know that my belief that I will never be enough has to be something that I take accountability for.

And not try and need from them a patch on a hole of self doubt that they will never be able to fill.

SynUnrestricted​(dom female) • Feb 22, 2019

Thank you for responding.

I know my issues are from the last 30 years of my life. Steming from "family" and following in into relationship after relationship. I was never good enough, doing enough, helpful enough, grateful enough, etc.

When I was 22, my mother looked me, smugly, full in the face and told me I was the mistake, they had never wanted me.

No one has ever made me feel desirable except when they wanted something from me. I believed I was in love several times but really it was a facade I saw. I wanted so much to be wanted that I blinded myself.

This relationship is the absolute hands down best I've ever had.

I just still struggle because it has literally been only a little over 6 months since I left everything I knew to be in a such better place.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Feb 22, 2019

For me, I have to remind myself that my insecurities are my responsibility.

If I rely to much on outside validation, even from the people that love me, I can become very unhealthy with my need.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Feb 22, 2019

Two things to consider.

1. Although you adore each of your partners and can see all of their amazing qualities, I’m sure you aren’t naive enough to be blind to their shortcomings as well, right! They aren’t perfect. They make mistakes. They have bad days or the occasional bad mood. But you love them anyways, and those “bad” traits aren’t what stand out to you. It’s the same in reverse. You may have weaknesses and shortcomings but they love you anyways. All of your amazing qualities are what they see when they look at you.

2. You must be pretty amazing. Not only did you get one person to love and commit to you; but you instead have three amazing people who continuously chose you as their partner every day. That says something about you.

FlipSide1481​(dom male) • Feb 22, 2019

First off you are amazing!
Second, and it took me far to long to learn this, if you have feelings about your relationship share them. Talk about them openly with each other.

SynUnrestricted​(dom female) • Feb 27, 2019

We do have really good communication. I just personally feel that repeating the same groundless concern is useless. It just upsets everyone involved.

Daddy Zo​(dom male){Goodgirly} • Mar 1, 2019

So I have a question for you. Do any of your partners feel that you are not enough. Are they doing something to make you feel this way ?

SynUnrestricted​(dom female) • Mar 2, 2019

No, they aren't and don't. They are absolutely amazing people. They understand where I came from. They understand that it's going to be a while before I can break this conditioning.

I specifically said "due to my past"
I came from a household (and schools for that matter) that ridiculed, judged, and put me down. I was the black sheep. I was never helped to bulid self esteem or self confidence. My self image is horrible.
I was always told I was never good enough, pretty enough, helpful enough, grateful enough. I was just never ENOUGH.
My relationships up until this one just perpetuated that cycle.

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Mar 2, 2019

I completely understand the conditioning of this type of self insecurity from a dysfunctional upbringing. It is hard to look at yourself or think of yourself being worthy when you were always told you were worthless.

I LOVE what AKittenforSir said.

Also, maybe try asking each of your partners to say one nice thing they love about you each morning for a week. Write them all down at the end of the week, repeat the list to yourself and continue to do so until YOU actually start to see and feel what they love and see in you!

Wishing you much self love and peace!!! ?