Brand new, I have questions

Brand new, I have questions

ImNewtoThis​(switch female) • Mar 25, 2019

I recently started seeing a new guy and last night, he told me that he is a sensual/daddy Dom. He was super tired, so he only explained some of it. Obviously we're gonna talk more about it, but in the meantime, I'm trying to learn as much about the lifestyle as I can. Any help is greatly appreciated. (Ps. I'm a straight woman). Thanks

EvelynNyte​(switch trans woman) • Mar 25, 2019

If you're a little more specific on what questions you have, people could help you a lot more.

Something to keep in mind is there is no universal lexicon as to what everything is to everyone so it's always best to figure out what someone means by something rather than assume what you've learned about something is the same as their perception. Someone might explain to you what a daddy dom is, and the guy you're seeing might consider it to be quite different.

ImNewtoThis​(switch female) • Mar 25, 2019

Some specific questions: How do you figure out yoir identity, like dom, sub, switch, and then kinds of subs and all that? Um how do you avoid triggering PTSD from past abusive relationships while in a dom/sub relationship? Are there parts of the relationship that are just normal like bf/gf? Are you bf/gf or are those titles inaccurate? How does all of this work? Can I be a little and still act like a normal adult woman sometimes? Can I be a little and be a switch? So many questions...

Bunnie • Mar 25, 2019

Hi @ ImNewtoThis, welcome
You’re definitely going about it in a good way in my opinion. Ask lots of questions... not only about the lifestyle, but about yourself.


“How do you figure out yoir identity, like dom, sub, switch, and then kinds of subs and all that?”

Dig deep... explore and examine yourself from all different angles... this is how you can find what sits right with you. I found that writing helped me a lot... it doesn’t need to be formal or official... just get your thoughts out. If you want to share them with your bf/Sir, it can be a great way to learn to become comfortable opening up... however, if not at this point, just write for you. Try to be open to the possibility of your ideas and concepts... not just of the lifestyle, but of yourself, changing over time.

I believe this is a great starting site...

https://www.submissiveguide.com/

and this is one of my favourites...

http://kinktoychest.com/index.php/castle-realm-archives



“Um how do you avoid triggering PTSD from past abusive relationships while in a dom/sub relationship?”

This requires a lot of communication, and taking things slowly. It’s something that needs to be discussed constantly and very honestly between yourself and your bf/Sir. It requires the building of trust and support. I would also suggest having a support network (other subs/friends/professional support)... this is invaluable in this lifestyle.


“Are there parts of the relationship that are just normal like bf/gf?”

Yes or no. This all depends on the type of relationship dynamic you both decide that you want together. The beauty of D/s relationships is that the rules are decided (negotiated) between the two (or more) of you... and no one else. It’s kind of like a “build a bear” relationship lol. You both get to decide exactly how you both want it to be. There are some who have bf/gf as the basis of everything, and there are some who aren’t even in what would be considered a “love” relationship. You’ll find that as long as consent is the foundation, this is a very open lifestyle.


“Are you bf/gf or are those titles inaccurate?”

Titles will come. Or not. You may both decide that you don’t like them. If you become involved in your bdsm community, you’ll find that titles are often used, and can serve a purpose at times. Some people take them very seriously, others not. Some use them to define themselves, others prefer not to. Again, it’s finding what feels right for you.


“How does all of this work? Can I be a little and still act like a normal adult woman sometimes?”

Simple answer... yes... absolutely. There are very few people that I know who are in “little headspace” all the time. For some it can just be when they’re wanting to be vulnerable and connect and let go. Perhaps it’s more accurate to say that there are times when it’s not possible to be in little headspace, so at times it’s necessary to step into “adult mode,” and then when it’s safe for them, some people like to shift into “little mode.” How much you shift between, is entirely up to you.

Here’s a site for Littles that I love...

https://a-little-understanding.webs.com/


“Can I be a little and be a switch?”

This is something that needs to be discussed with your bf/Sir. Yes you can absolutely be a switch... no matter what type of sub-submissive you identify as. However, is he comfortable with switching? This is something you can only discuss and explore together.

I hope this helps a little bit. Good luck with your journey together

ImNewtoThis​(switch female) • Mar 25, 2019

Thank you, Bunnie, for the information and resources. He's coming over again tomorrow night and we will definitelt continue the conversation. He just works a lot, so we won't get to talk much before then. This is all so new to me, so I'm trying to absorb everything I can. I have watched some YouTube videos and read a little. I will definitely check out all of those links.

Also, another question I have is can I be a part of this lifestyle as a Christian?

EvelynNyte​(switch trans woman) • Mar 25, 2019

I don't think there's a particular way one can figure out what they are. Learning about BDSM and self-reflecting on your life/inner-self and where you'd best fit is what I would think is best. You could also try to get into a situation where you can partially try things out to see what fits you. Getting out in whatever community is around you and looking for a mentor of sorts could help a lot.

Avoiding triggers is going to be complicated. The biggest part is probably going to focus around communicating with whoever you are involved with so they know to avoid them. Having a safeword probably also essential that way if things are getting bad for you and you can't manage a coherent sentence to explain things you can say just a simple word to end things and have them attend to you.

Relationships are very personal in terms of what they mean to the people involved in them. They range from much of life being regimented around how they define the relationship to being more like boyfriend/girlfriend with an extra twist. How a relationship is structured really needs to be communicated with your partner (communication is going to come up a lot in any sort of advice for bdsm). If you're not enthusiastically going into a very regimented relationship, I would be wary of anyone trying to push you into one.

The little stuff holds with the above as well. It's up to you and if applicable your partner to define when and where you are going to be a little or switch or anything else. There's no wrong answer besides someone failing to communicate their intentions and a misunderstanding resulting from it.

Disclaimer: I've kind of been around and am happy to try to answer questions, but I'm probably not a good arbiter of knowledge. My experiences aren't universal; really they're pretty tangential to your position which is why I tried to answer in a general manner.

Bunnie • Mar 25, 2019

“Also, another question I have is can I be a part of this lifestyle as a Christian?”

I can’t answer from personal experience, however, I do know a lot of people who are. Hopefully perhaps some of the people here who are, will step forward and share their thoughts around this one.

*if not, perhaps I can ask some of them privately if they may be willing to speak with you privately about it.

Here is a site that could be of interest also...

http://unconventionalwoman.blogspot.com/2008/03/taken-in-hand-and-alpha-male.html?m=1

Cort​(masochist female) • Mar 25, 2019

I think it would be important to ask what sort of experience he has as a Dom as well, and what his expectations are from you. If he's also new to the lifestyle, it's a good time for you both to explore your identities.

Knowing you have triggers, he would need to be able to recognize your limits if you think you'll be playing in ways that might affect you. "After care" is a good way to get out of your head after playing, so finding your method of relaxing after an intense session is something you should think about.

ImNewtoThis​(switch female) • Mar 25, 2019

Cory, he said he's been a part of this lifestyle for 7 years, so I'm guessing he knows what he's doing. He seemed to know a lot, he just didn't have the energy to discuss it for long cause he's been working a lot and was visibly exhausted. I've been reading a lot of the resources that Bunnie gave me and I think I'd be a submissive switch/little. I do have a very childlike side of me, which I always thought meant there was something wrong with my mental development and I do have a very submissive side (I love to do things for people to make them happy, especially in a relationship). But there are also times when I like to be in charge. Especially coming from abuse, I want to have the option of having control sometimes and sometimes I get into moods where I feel powerful or moods where I feel more submissive.

ImNewtoThis​(switch female) • Mar 25, 2019

Also, can I get help writing out a list of questions and topics to discuss with him? Since I'm so new to this, there will inevitably be things I don't even know to ask about. I would like to know how to steer the conversation and also continue to do research on my own so we can discuss what I've read.