Question for both submissives and dominants about communication

MasterBear​(other butch) • Apr 14, 2019

@Vortexa

I'm not talking about general kindness and respect.

I'm talking about D types that honestly believe s types should all be naked and at their feet before asking permission to say "hi".


Unfortunately, I've seen it. The kind of D type that sneers at an s type who has the bravery to approach them.


That's what I was getting at.

There are no rules. And a D type that says an s type can only approach them a certain way has gotten to big for their britches. In my opinion.

Ceusacic​(dom female) • Apr 18, 2019

As a relatively new domme, I'd be happy to give you my opinion. It should be worth noting that I only just recently entered into my first d/s relationship, but I've been doing heavy research on the subject for years now. So, take what I say with a grain of salt.
Before meeting my current sub, I'd been propositioned by multiple different people almost immediately after the first hello to be their domme. A large number of the messages I received were also from submissive men, leading me to believe that they didn't even bother to read my profile, as I indicate multiple times in it that I'm interested exclusively in women. In almost every message I received, there was little to no introductions, or attempts to get to know me as a person. They immediately wanted to submit to me.
I couldnt quite put my finger on it at the time, but I realise now why that bothered me. Those people were so ready to submit to me, some person they didnt know at all, with absolutely no baseline of trust ever having been established. And in my mind, trust is one of, if not the most important things about a d/s relationship.
When the person who is now my sub approached me, they were kind and respectful. They greeted me politely, told me a bit of information about themselves and what they were looking for, and politely invited me to message them back if I was interested. As I began speaking with her, she remained respectful and kind, but didn't immediately start inquiring about being my sub, even though we both knew that's what she wanted. She just allowed me time to get to know her as a person, and I did the same. Granted, there was a little bit of a power play undercurrent, and I was always the one in control of our conversations, but it was an almost normal experience, even if the subject matter wasn't always so normal. This is how I will forever want my first interactions with potential subs to go. Open, honest communication, with them showing me respect, and me doing the same to them in return.

I eventually asked her if being my sub was something she was interested in, and she hastily agreed. Things have been going well ever since, though I have noticed a few things, one of which partains to something Vortexa mentioned.
From my understanding, my sub does not usually play a very 'submissive' role in her everyday life. While she is usually far from dominant, she does have a bit of a tendency to default to telling others what to do or giving them small instructions, and she has on occasion attempted to do the same with me when she forgets herself. A small scolding is usually enough to set her back into her place (unless she is intentionally being bratty, which is a part of our relationship, as she does on occasion break rules intentionally). I think that this automatic behavior happens because while it's her inherent nature to be submissive, i believe she has had to teach herself to be dominant through the course of her life, in order to meet her goals. I think this is the case for many subs that occasionally exhibit dominant/controlling behavior.

That's my two cents on the matter, do with it what you will!
-C

DanniRodes​(dom male) • Apr 19, 2019

I'm a little different here.
While I do believe in proper societal politeness, and standard- agreed upon -conversational norms, I am not one for "playing the roles " in the first few conversations.
It doesn't take, but two, or three, sentences, to establish who is a sub, and who is a Dom. Beyond that, I want to know you as a human being, not a BDSM'er.

What we do is intense- at best, down right dangerous- in some cases. How can we know if we are compatible- if we are constantly masked? How can we know anything real, if we encourage others to interact with us in the "role" from the onset?
Are you not glad that you found this out about your sub, BEFORE you vested nore time? The only reason you found this out so soon, is because this person was being 100% real.

And so, I always encourage new contacts to speak freely. Forget the "Sir" crap- at last for a week. I want to know who you are... beyond the mask.

Vortexa​(dom female) • Apr 19, 2019

Ceusacic, Thank you for your detailed and thought provoking response. Several points you made resonated with me and I will be giving them more thought for sure.

DanniRodes​(dom male) • Apr 19, 2019

I'm a little different here.
While I do believe in proper societal politeness, and standard- agreed upon -conversational norms, I am not one for "playing the roles " in the first few conversations.
It doesn't take, but two, or three, sentences, to establish who is a sub, and who is a Dom. Beyond that, I want to know you as a human being, not a BDSM'er.

What we do is intense- at best, down right dangerous- in some cases. How can we know if we are compatible- if we are constantly masked? How can we know anything real, if we encourage others to interact with us in the "role" from the onset?
Are you not glad that you found this out about your sub, BEFORE you vested nore time? The only reason you found this out so soon, is because this person was being 100% real.

And so, I always encourage new contacts to speak freely. Forget the "Sir" crap- at last for a week. I want to know who you are... beyond the mask.

Ceusacic​(dom female) • Apr 19, 2019

No need to thank me. Like I said, I was glad to give you my opinion. Hope it helps you to maybe answer a few of your questions or ponderings.

VWS • Apr 19, 2019

I am definitely not a "lifestyle" Dom. I don't need to be called Sir or Master or anything else, especially not at the "getting to know you" stage.

When we first meet, I expect nothing more than ordinary courtesy. If the potential sub consistently tries to have the last word, talk over me, is argumentative, then I probably wouldn't even want her as a friend, let alone a sub.

Naturally the desire to obey and the ability to take instruction must exist in the sub at a basic level or the SM relationship cannot function, but for me the actual compliance is enough. The forms don't matter to me, unless the sub finds comfort or enjoyment in using them. On the other hand, bratishness over and above normal high spirits is not something I like, although it is only human nature for a sub to occasionally challenge the Dom.

In other words, approach me as you would anybody that you wanted to make friends with. Everything else can be worked out. Don't grovel. I respect strength of character and self discipline. Friends first, whips later.

Bella duPuy​(sub female){Not lookin} • Apr 19, 2019

Good day E/everyone,

i have enjoyed reading E/everyone's responses here for this post. Thank You for posting this Vortexa. It's such a great conversation.

i am a true Southerner (Deep South / U.S.), in that i expect Him to make the first move. i expect chivalry, regard, and respect - which will be given in return, if not first - depending on how W/we began any type of correspondence (on a thread such as this, a blog post, via CAGE email, BOND, etc).

For myself, as a sub, i do give deference to their Station (Dom/me * Master/Mistress * Sir/Ma'am) only as a sign of regard; respect has to be earned. i'll not disrespect A/anyone, unless they draw first blood. ... even then, it won't likely be 'in kind'.

While i am naturally amicable in personality, it does not mean that i am pushover. i've been approached by "doms" who thought they could speak (or bark, as it were) to me in any manner and expect my compliance and submission. When i "barked" in return, i was told that my posture is NOT that of a true submissive. my response was that to bark or demand anything of me when you have not earned it are signs of immaturity, laziness and a complete lack of respect and regard for me as a person, the Lifestyle, and to all the work done by those W/who've come before to establish safety and consensus as normative.

i've not one problem with regard and respect. i only request that it be shown first.

How One initiates contact speaks volumes about W/who one really is.

Fantastic question

The Aluminum Fist • Apr 19, 2019

I love this question, because it got me to think about introductions in general, as well as gender roles.
In my opinion, it doesn’t matter which side of the slash you are on, all introductions should be light hearted and respectful.
Personally, if I’m approaching a potential sub, I will not mention anything about sex or submission or dominance. Those conversations need to occur organically. Initially I want to know if we have any connection outside of “this” nonsense, because at the end of the day, it’s two people forming a relationship.
Now you had two uniquely different situations with the men you are describing.
The guy asking to see you may just have had an opening in his schedule and was thrilled at the prospect of meeting you in person. My guess is he just got excited and forgot his role in your dynamic. Shame on him...you could have used that as an opportunity to impose your dominance. “Young man...I’m the Dom. I call the shots...learn your place.”
The second guy was just a dick. You share your photos when and if you are ready...if ever.
I hope that helps a little ?

Miki • Apr 22, 2019

Of the important points I gleaned from all this is "Read the damned profile!!" is #1. In my case it will save a lot of guys a lot of trouble. Hypothetically if I were looking for a match here-- or anywhere online, I don't mind being called names like "bitch" or "fuckmeat"-- it's what I do. Being a sex object turns me on. But other than that, early term requests for nudes get nowhere with me. And that's rather odd for an exhibitionist, wouldn't you say??? Well, that leads to "Part B"-- What goes online.. stays online and inevitably either rises out of the murk to bite one in his or her ass at the totally wrong time, or acts as a "Ssword of Damocles" and I for one don't need that kind of shit now and sure as hell won't need it later.

The other key point and this may be "just me" because I identify as a masochist rather than a lifestyle sub.. I am a professional woman IRL and as such I tend to be forward with people. Not necessarily issuing instructions but speaking or corresponding with others on an as-equal basis. Outside of the bedroom or dungeon would-be masters would do well to remember that... Except as I am I'll not be a full-time "lifestyle" sub any time soon.

But all that's hypo. Personally I go out locally to see if I get any interest for a night or two. I don't act submissive in public, but I wear clothing that doesn't leave much in the way of guesswork that I'm a freak and whoever winds up taking me with them can expect it to be totally OK and even expected to be rough and subdue me for his or even better her pleasure. I'm also a brat. If someone is timid about slapping me in the ass or elsewhere I usually earn a punishment soon enough.