Does this exist?

Does this exist?

zerodashhero​(sub male) • May 27, 2019

I've been kinky all my life, but I haven't ever had a relationship with another kink friendly person, so I am a novice at expressing my submission to a Domme. Is there such a thing as a mentoring process or a training Domme from whom I could learn how to be submissive (in the sense of turning a shared erotic fantasy into a mutually satisfying reality) so that I could then take that knowledge into a relationship & be successful in translating my submission into a reality? Or is that something that can realistically only be done once in a relationship with a Domme?

I ask because I haven't had much success in finding a relationship & am worried that there is something I am doing or saying that is sugggesting to others that I am not a "true" submissive or something similar. I don't juat want to be a submissive; I want to be good at being a submissive.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • May 28, 2019

You might not like some of my answer but to help you, I might need to be blunt.
you say "I don't juat want to be a submissive; I want to be good at being a submissive."
what is stopping you from doing that right now? Honestly think about this because this is your answer, to your question. No one else can answer that part of your very personal question.
You don't need to be owned or experienced to be a good submissive. Your looking at submission as a Noun, it can also be a verb
Being owned or experienced doesn't make you a submissive.
Being owned or experienced doesn't change anything you bring to the table. You will still be the same person in submission. A Domme only enhances your actions and direction.
You make you, the best you, you can be.
What can you do? There is loads you can do. You can learn may skills that Dommes might find attractive, that enhance what you already offer. You don't need a Domme to self improve.
you asked; Are there places that teach submission? You cannot "teach" submission (IMO), you can only enhance it, polish what is there. pull forward the good parts and push the bad to the side. Yes, there are places that will help you hone your qualities and knowledge of the community and yourself. Knowing what you have you offer a Dominant is one of the best things you can work out for yourself. People/programs/sites, can help direct that process. They how ever cant (and imo) shouldn't teach you how to be submissive, you should already be submissive. Every Dominant is different, that by default means every submissive will be too. We all function differently. There is no cookie cutter that stamps us all out the same (even within kink) . A program or course that teaches you to be submissive will not work for every Dominant. A course that helps you find yourself, with a little direction or place to begin, could help.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • May 28, 2019

I walked away and then thought, way to go Bon, you could of worded that better when it comes to "courses". What sprung to mind as I walked away was, when you get knock back for job application, you then look at why. Its like the old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different results". Dating, getting people to notice you as a submissive, can be the same. If your getting the same results, may be look at the method your using and try some thing different. Profiles and cold call emails are somewhat the same as a cover letter and resume. They represent you and the "position" you want. Often people need a few hint and tips to create a better "resume" or more skills to offer, creating a profile or telling people about yourself is no different. Courses and programs can help some to put things in order or form, or present themselves in a better light. Not everyone knows how to present themselves or even where to start. How you present yourself in your profiles and contacting a mistress is perhaps the most crucial part of establishing yourself for a Femdom relationship, attracting a potential partner, and being seen as ~ a worthy submissive for a Domme to own, is a process. Just like any process you can learn that.

MasterBear​(other butch) • May 28, 2019

Are there courses for mentoring new D-types? Yes you have to check your area. People also do online mentoring.

Some people offer a week-long course and afterwards you are certified I guess. But be prepared to shell out some coin.


However , and this is incredibly critical. No one and I mean no one can give you a title accept yourself and those you are involved with.


What I mean by that is the part of BDSM that is the most exciting and at the same time the least reassuring is that there are no rules.

In other words I know a lady who spent I think around 5 grand to go to a master's academy. And her answer to tge question "why does she call herself a master?"is because she graduated from this academy.

To me that isn't an answer. That's you paying somebody $5,000 to call you a master.


I'm just saying this to illustrate how complex BDSM is and how you can have people that want to be mentors but not always necessarily for the right reasons.


I have never been able to shell out $5,000 to go to a BDSM Academy. I will never be able to shell out $5,000 to go to a BDSM Academy.

Does that make me less of a Master?

Taramafor​(sub male) • May 28, 2019

There's just one problem.

You adapt to everyone.

You're into what you're into. You want to be looked after. You want to look after people you care about. So when you say you want to be taught how to be a good sub I can only take it as "I want to be taught to look after someone I care about".

There actually is a formula and a pattern. But it involves being a good person. Be it dom or sub. It requires an awareness of knowing what signs to look out for and being able to pick up on what other people think and feel, which is easier said then done.

My advice? Practice by doing. Just be there and want to make someone happy and have them do the same. Avoid common mistakes like making it about their pleasure alone. Do it for yourself too. Be used in the ways you enjoy as well in the ways they enjoy using you.

As for mistakes, maybe it's something along the ones of not fighting to be understood by others. You might have a fear of showing yourself. Or putting others in danger. Or perhaps you simply don't know how to get peoples attention. Personally I find asking the hard questions sooner rather then later leads to a productive conversation and can lead to more fun topics. "Do we both matter" can lead to "Buttplugs and gags."

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • May 28, 2019

Oy very.

I sence you haven't done much research on BDSM.
BDSM 101
submissives of all genders outnumber Dommes
Anyone can do kink not everyone is a Dom/me or submissive
You're emphasizing on the kink area is a red flag no matter how you word it a Domme knows who wants a D/s dynamic and who wants a kink based relationship.
Dom/mes usually mentor other Dom/ mes I being one of them .
Maybe a service top is what you want to look for instead. And you're chances of finding one is bette.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • May 28, 2019

Please Bear tell me you are kidding or at worst stretching the truth? You know someone who actually paid for, maybe that should read paid handsomely for the title of Master?

Shit, if I had known you could find people to pay hard-earned money, maybe I could've spun that into a lucrative career. "A fool and his money soon go separate ways" Jeff Lynne (et al).

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • May 28, 2019

I wish MasterBear was kidding. I've stumbled on about five sites offering "diplomas" "degrees" and 'certificates" for both D and s for rather large amounts. Others that charge a higher than normal rate for monthly entry with promises of ownership.
I get it, if they are offering skills or techniques, one on one training etc but most seem offer little more than basic 101, that if you look hard enough you can find from local groups for free or websites that do offer free advise and support. There are also loads of sites like here at cage where people will help you.
I hate that just because we "love" differently, some of us are held for what equates to ransom.

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Sep 7, 2019

The only one I’ve heard of is “Butchman’s Academy”. I’m assuming that if I enrolled, booked a round trip flight and lodging, etc that I’d be paying a pretty penny for what I dimly remember being a weeklong intensive. At least one local Butchman’s graduate suggested I go, but another local educator seemed to think it wasn’t for me because it leaned more towards a leather tradition in which I have no grounding. So other than acknowledging that Butchman’s existed and may still do so, I can’t really comment on it.

DrWakko • Sep 7, 2019

There are various schools around the US for both sides of the slash. I know of at least 3 in the Los Angeles area alone.

Back to the OP: you should try going to munches and events in your area. Don’t try to hook up with anyone who identifies with being on the left side of the slash. Get to know them as people and date just like the nilla world. Then work in the kink. If you can’t match on the nilla you wont work in the D/s.