Disobient sub

Savida​(other female) • Jun 20, 2019

I’d like to add that you would be taking a hell of a risk to ignore someone as punishment.

I personally find it to be a very unethical and cruel way to go about punishment that doesn’t seek to genuinely be corrective , and I can’t imagine it working or being remotely healthy for the person or the dynamic if the sub isn’t confident that the dom actually values and cares for them.

For me, and likely many others, ignoring me as punishment would be the ultimate sign that they did not value or care for me and I’d be out of there.

So my point is....I would stay the hell away from ignoring her as “punishment”. I think it comes off petty and passive aggressive, and is not something you’re likely to come out of with an improved or healthy relationship...and it’s not a novice move in my view. It’s a delicate thing that rarely seems to turn out well—it requires expert handling (although I personally would question the expertise and social/emotional intelligence of anyone who tried that shit on me).

Asteria​(neither female) • Jun 20, 2019

Coming here and asking for advice is not a shame. Belittling anyone who reaches out for help is just rude.

Anyway, a week old relationship is... exactly that. A week old relationship. Building mutual trust and respect takes much more time. And even more effort. Experience comes with time; we all started without any experience and we've all made some progress. It's normal. The question is how much effort you are willing to put and how much patience you have to actually build something sound and solid.

D/s relationships don't happen overnight. Of course, there are people who jump in immediately, and pretty often end such dynamics even faster, but - and that's my personal opinion - quality should go before quantity. And quality things just don't happen overnight.

Respect is not something any Dominant should take for granted. This has nothing to do with any title. Besides, I am of the firm opinion that one needs to be respected as a regular man in the first place, then as a Dominant. Being a Dominant does not give you any "extra points", sorry.

TheEdgeofDarkness​(dom male) • Jun 20, 2019

A week is NO time. None at all.

I do wonder though, how long have you known your sub prior to the dynamic beginning? I feel it is a pertinent question, as surely there will have been conversation leading up to this, where likes/dislikes/limits and roles would have been discussed.

This situation shows either a lack of understanding on one or both sides and a worrying lack of patience.

If you want her submission, you need to earn it, my friend.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jun 21, 2019

There's a lot that's going on here. So let's start with the basics.


1) Your brand new to being a D-type.

2) You have an online relationship with an s type that undermines your authority.


This is actually a very complex thing. The first thing that needs to happen here is you need to be able to separate myth from reality.



1) MYTH : play Dominant can make a submissive do something.


2) MYTH: a Dominant can make a submissive feel something


3) MYTH: a submissive who is hard geared to have a brat side just needs the right D-type


4) MYTH: you as the D type can make the s-type more obedient IF YOU WERE DIFFERENT.



One of the reasons that I point these myths out is because when an s type doesn't do what they are told the D type will automatically turn inward. The D type starts to question what it is THEY need to do differently to get the s type to do what it was that they were told.


Read that twice.

When the s type doesn't perform the D type tends to look at themselves.


Stop that script.


You as the D type have LIMITED power. Especially in an online relationship.

The s type not obeying is NOT A FAILURE on your part.

You need to decide if being in an online relationship with an s type that chooses not to respect you is right for you.
BECAUSE----- and I need you to hear me here:

The s type has to CHOOSE to serve. They are already SHOWING you they wont.

You are in deep my friend. Good luck.

TheAnt​(dom male) • Jun 22, 2019

Flyppin,
I would like to first ask if you have read some of the blogs aimed at Doms and sub dynamics here in the cage? While I write one specifically aimed at online relationships, my opinion may not be the right one so please read several.
Secondly, Although I believe almost all the comments said that respect is earned and she will call you an honorific when she ia ready, I disagree. If a sub won't at least give me the preliminary respect of using an honorific when addressing me (in my case Daddy as my dynamic is DDlg) then I cannot and willnot proceed with that sub as the basic modality of the relationship is already in jeopardy.
I will agree with the other comments that no one has to use an honorific unless they wish to participate in a dynamic and when that person chooses to be submissive, that person should show at least the basic minimum of participation which in my opinion (and it is just an opinion) is at least using an honorific.

AngelicOne​(sub female){Owned} • Jun 22, 2019

The problem with going ahead and using an honorific before the dynamic is established, and trust is truly earned, is many Doms assume they own you at that point, the second you say Sir/Master/Daddy/Alpha etc, they figure you, the submissive, are now their property.

And that couldn’t be farther from the truth! My Daddy taught me to be respectful to other Doms, and refer to them as sir (with lower case), but I had to stop doing that, because once ‘sir’ came across the screen, there was the assumption, more than once, that they had poached me from Daddy, and that they now owned me, when all I was trying to do was be polite, and respectful.

So personally, I can understand why and s type would not refer to a D type with an honorific, until it’s been earned.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jun 23, 2019

This conversation has taken another interesting turn ...

Question: do I expect the honorific from day 1, or do I expect to earn it ...

Answer: Both ... I do take DaddyAnt's point that when within a dynamic (I am interpreting that as a formal dynamic) there is an absolute minimum that I, and I assume this applies to all Doms, insist on. For me the use of an honorific is required at certain times and in certain situations (mantra, good morning, during review etc etc) and it is a useful tool to bring my girl back to my centre by correcting her at times. I personally would find that if I didn't have that level of submission then the dynamic would not be much of a formal dynamic.

Perhaps the distinction here to make though is what is a 'dynamic' and when does the interaction become a dynamic. I am of the view that when I first get talking to a potential partner we are entering some sort of dance or courtship ritual - feeling each other out, attempting to understand one another, testing each other's boundaries through conversation. For me this process can take weeks and often leads to a realisation that it is a poor match. In my head I do consider that to be some sort of a relationship or dynamic. Two people are relating specifically to one another and that relationship is developing, but it is obviously not a formal or agreed dynamic, and there certainly are not any rules agreed upon or written down. Would I expect an honorific at that point?, absolutely not. In fact if the girl started calling me Sir at that point I might ask her not to - this is my gift too. After weeks of discussion and increased understanding, negotiation and more discussion I would enter a trial period of two weeks with some understanding of what the level of dynamic would be during that trial period. Would I call that trial period a formal dynamic? Yes, to me, although it is not as intense or deep as one that is 6 months or a year old, it bears all the hall marks of a formal dynamic. Would I expect to have my submissive use an honorific during that period - yes, that would be required.

So, for me, I am not faced with a situation where my submissive does not hold to the honorific (except in those unfortunate situations where the dynamic deteriorates suddenly). Trust and comfort are built in the early discussions and the trial period is not embarked upon until a minimum set of expectations are agreed upon - for me the honorific is one of my expectations.

Bunnie • Jun 23, 2019

I tend to agree about the honorific. A Dr. is addressed as Dr. There’s no timeframe that they prove to me that they’ve earned that title from me. I simply respect their position, and address them as they ask me to. Much like a name. I have no connection to a word unless it forms a special meaning for me, which isn’t going to occur instantly... so I respect each and every person and call them whatever they wish to be called. The same goes with nic’s. If I’m unsure or someone says “please don’t call me that,” I ask their preference and call them that.

People can assume it means whatever they want. I am strong enough to put forward that no agreement has been reached until an agreement has been decided. Simple communication helps to eliminate confusion in my opinion.

Asteria​(neither female) • Jun 23, 2019

There is a slight difference between those titles, I guess. I mean... a person who can title themselves as a Dr needs to have a certain background, and - yes - an evidence that they have the right to call themselves this way. Hence, no extra time is needed to accept and understand why they have such title. I respect such title because there are certain and very clear rules and requirements one has to meet to earn it.

The above is unfortunately not applicable to the so called lifestyle. It only takes couple of clicks to select particular role while joining The Cage (and any other place), nothing more. And it would be good to realise that. With that being said... do I respect the titles here? No, I don't. I respect people regardless their titles. Unless I interact with someone and know them much better (which is very unusual for me here), the title / honorific remains something of no significance; much more important is what kind of person is behind it.

Bunnie • Jun 23, 2019

@ asteria,

So if “the title / honorific remains something of no significance;“ it wouldn’t hurt to use it then (?)

And what of someone’s nic? Do you refuse to call them by their preferred nic because they haven’t proven that they’re entitled to that name?

Preference is preference. Whether someone chooses to honour that or not is their choice. I simply don’t happen to go by the “a title must be earned,” however I was raised in an old fashioned way where respect was automatically assigned elders and authority etc, so it’s likely a throwback of that.