Non BDSM moral dilemma....HELP!?

Non BDSM moral dilemma....HELP!?

Hollylolly​(switch female) • Oct 22, 2020

A co-worker of mine dropped a bombshell on me last night. She confessed to a 6 year affair with another co-worker of ours. I know both the man she had the affair with and his wife, and I am casual friends with both. I detest drama and work place gossip, and non of the above concerns me, therefore, I should mind my own business, keep my friend's secret like I promised, and go my merry way, but I am torn.
This man's wife knows about the affair (also, he's cheated before and she knows about that time too), but she does not know the EXTENT of the affair. When they got caught (wife was suspicious and put an ipad under the sofa cushions to record the act) they told the wife they had only slept together 3 or 4 times. That is FAR from the truth. The whole thing lasted 6 YEARS!! According to my friend there were HUNDREDS of hook-ups, weekend trips, dinners, dates, etc. Her words were "WE WERE IN LOVE. IT WAS INTENSE. If he wasn't at home with her, he was somewhere with me."
My dilemma: The ex-wife in me whose ex-husband cheated on me for 4 years and ultimately married his mistress (we're great friends now so this isn't some feminist revenge shit) has ENORMOUS EMPATHY for this guy's wife. I feel like she has a right to know that 1. She was lied to and 2. The truth.
Should I just keep my mouth shut and mind my own or should I tell my friend to 'WOMAN UP' because I feel like that's what I should do.

Alpha Wolfe • Oct 22, 2020

Hmmm, that's definitely a tough one. Keeping In mind that people's opinions vary, and this is only mine.
Personally, I'd inform the wife. I detest cheating and anything involved with it, including lying for 6 damn years. If it were me, I'd be prepared for the coworker to hate me as a result, but I couldn't go through my day to day knowing and keeping it quiet.
Some people may say to mind your own business. Some may say keep the secret. As I said, this is just my thoughts.

KaCTexasdom​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2020

I would say to tell your friend to WOMAN UP. Make the man divorce his wife so they can be together. if they are in love like she says then instead of dragging it on they should divorce his wife and properly be together. If not then they are just doing it for the thrill of it and thats not right. The mans wife deserves to be able to find someone who wont cheat on her. And him trying to hold onto both is not right.

Hollylolly​(switch female) • Oct 22, 2020

@Alpha Wolfe, your response is exactly my struggle. I don't want to betray my friend, but having been 'the clueless wife' I feel compelled to speak up. The Empath in me is really struggling.....GAH....

Hollylolly​(switch female) • Oct 22, 2020

@KaC, They are not together anymore. Everything came to an end just before COVID.

UrsaMinora​(sub agender) • Oct 22, 2020

Honestly they sound like a toxic as hell couple and you'd probably be best to not get involved

IowaDom​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2020

Nothing good ever came from getting involved in somebody else's marriage, friend, foe, or stranger, does not matter. Besides, nothing would change other than the severity of the stress for your friend. The wife is aware of the infidelity, and his past offenses. If she chooses to stay with him, she does so knowing full well what the future will hold. As for your co-worker, she may very well be the "spurned" wants to get even girl, and who knows if what she even told you was the truth, but telling you was certainly not just idle gossip, she WANTS you to tell the wife.

The same cannot be said for you. Emotional pain on that level WILL find an outlet, and the outcome is hard to predict. It could happen that he swears he has told the truth, then comes your unspoken truth, and BOTH turn against you for "passing rumors" or "trying to hurt our marriage" or whatever other offense might be created that would allow them to stay together.

Best thing for you to do, imho, is stay out of it, refuse to discuss it further with the co worker, and definitely do not come between husband and wife... just be there with a kind ear and a welcome shoulder if she needs you...

Just my 2 cents ...
~ID~

Sunshinegirl​(sub female) • Oct 22, 2020

I know it’s hard, but you don’t want your work environment to become hostile (which it might become if you told the wife). You gotta watch out for your own back and your own career. You have a great big heart like most people here but at the end of the day you must put your needs first. Keep it to yourself, journal it out, go for a long run, get your frustration out in some healthy way, but do NOT get involved in work place drama. You don’t know how crazy that coworker could get and what lengths she would go to get revenge on you. Hell, your job could potentially be on the line. Don’t risk how you pay your bills for drama. It’s not your problem.

Hollylolly​(switch female) • Oct 22, 2020

@IowaDom and Sunshinegirl
Omgoodness, your responses are on point and so insightful. I realize now I'm not necessarilly experiencing so much of a moral dilemma as I am having an emotional response from my own place of pain. Now I know what to....er....NOT do.
That's why I love this place. Thank you.
Holly

Girliehitch • Oct 22, 2020

To the confident you. If they love it. I like it. Some people like to stay blind. Think about it. What would be your benefit of exposing what is known? It's in your control to be yourself. Once it blows up. How are you going to control the outcome?