Love vs. Sympathy

Love vs. Sympathy

Just Jessy​(switch gender queer){Owned} • Jul 4, 2019

My boyfriend is dying. I haven't asked him how long he has to live, but it could be anywhere from 3-10 years. He's a really great guy: sweet, caring, compassionate, kinky, funny, and adorable. I like him a lot...I think. We met online, and he lives about 500 miles away, but we talk almost every day. Our conversations aren't always very long or meaningful, but sometimes they are, and those are the best. He is my little, and I am his mommy. He introduced me to kink. I have always been a caring and compassionate motherly person; this is why I do so well in healthcare and why it's so natural for me to act as his mommy. I felt sympathy for him before I started to like him, but I don't know if what I'm feeling now is actually attraction or just strong sympathy. Is it possible for sympathy to turn into love?
One of the reasons I'm doubting my feelings is because it is becoming extremely difficult for me to stay faithful to him. Part of this could be because I'm more of a sub than a dom, but I'm not allowed to express by sub side. I believe it would be wrong for me to have more than one play partner because 1. he doesn't want me to have another partner, 2. it violates my religious beliefs, 3. and I would consider it cheating. Yet I keep falling into situations where I play with people online and then feel guilty. Is he not right for me? I do enjoy our relationship, and I want to meet him and move closer so I can be with him, but the struggle to stay faithful is so hard I can't stand it. Advice?

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jul 5, 2019

Wow, you have a lot going on there. Most of it I do not feel comfortable addressing, as I don't know you. I will say this though.

No matter what you are talking about, BDSM or any other flavor of relationship, you must above all else be true to yourself. If you believe you are deep down a submissive, then you can't be true to yourself and deny that side of you. I believe very strongly that you need to do some honest soul searching, to determine what it is you truly are or need.

I will also add that you cannot allow another to decide what you need or what makes you happy. Going that route will only make both you AND your boyfriend unhappy and miserable. You can only deny your needs for so long, before they will get the better of you. So take some time, preferably alone and truly search your soul, then make the best decision you can. Either way I wish you the best, you are in a very difficult position.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jul 6, 2019

So. I don't mean to be an asshole here. But is it possible that he's lying to you?

I bring this up because over the years having watch people who are internet relationships and have the other person tell them that they're dying or that they're suicidal seems to be a common theme in chaotic relationships.


I've known people to fake cancer.


The time range of 3 to 10 years is not generally given in a mortality report.

(Hospice nurse here)

He might have a degenerative process that will eventually lead to death. But quite frankly when he's telling you is slightly suspect to me

kittykatgirl​(switch female) • Jul 19, 2019

I too don’t want to sound harsh, but the inquisitive side of me would say...yes, we’re all dying in the Sylvia Plath sense of mortality. So saying 3-10 years is interesting...
...We don’t owe anyone anything (except our children), when you come right down to it.
Don’t let him manipulate you.

ShieMarie • Jul 19, 2019

@kittykatgirl : I'd even go a step further to say we don't even owe our children anything. Lol I know that's harsh...I'm a mother and I would never neglect my son or any of his needs. Key word *needs*...

So with that being said... To the O.P....
DO YOU, BOO!!!!

Whatever he's got going on in his life DOES NOT constitute a NEED for you to be there in any way. But you do need to be present in your own feelings/ desires / needs in order to be authentic to yourself. Like, you don't want to burden your own peace and happiness to appease his, because then that becomes depression, and that shit can kill someone too. Love on you a little more.

Lastly... You mentioned religious beliefs. I know that if you are a person of faith, then you can def pray it out. He's dying? Then leave it up to the higher power/s to sort things out. Wish him well, but overall trust your spiritual gift of intuition and heart. You got this!

No Body​(dom male) • Jul 19, 2019

Ok I had a friend in Romania. We talked for 3 years (online) then we lost contact. 2 years later I find her and after 6 months she asked if I was seeing anyone. That was the last time we talked. Seems that when your talking to someone 4000 miles away things can get a little complicated.

Lets just face it no matter who we are with we are all on limited time. You have to take what is given you and file it way for times when things are hard nights are lonely and you can remember when times were better and you still could just open a laptop and chat. So what if you have someone on the other side of the keyboard. Shit just enjoy the time you have left . I wish I could give you better advice but I never got the chance to say goodbye. She went into surgery and was gone an hour later. Life is like that . Life gives and takes but I have memories athat will last me a lifetime.

KarmaCollar​(dom female) • Nov 21, 2019

3-10 years is an odd prognostic prediction.. Honestly, as a nurse I'd say 95% of people who were given "expiration estimates" survive past those points (in my dept) ("..the Dr gave him 3 months and that was 11 months ago!"). They're just a phsicians educated guess, it isn't even usually a super close one (with the exception of hospice, as the hospice nurse said- you're getting much closer to the finish and have a baseline rate of decline to gauge with). 3-10 years is a VERY broad predictive range.

I can't begin to tell you what you're feeling but I feel like if it were me I would be leaning towards 'strong sympathy.' It may be beneficial to you to research some grief books as well, because Anticipated Grief can trigger the process before death occurs and cause instinctive reactions.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Nov 21, 2019

Wow, ok. There's a lot to unpack here, and I don't have the qualifications to address them all, but... here we go.

1. An online partner claiming they're dying? I'm sad to say that's a common form of manipulation, as others have pointed out. Investigate the veracity of this as you see fit.

2. Any partner's primary concern should be the happiness of his partner. If you're not happy in a Dominant role, but your partner insists on it, it sounds like he cares more about your ability to satisfy his needs than he cares about you.

3. What does and does not 'count' as cheating is fairly debatable, and subjective to the individuals at play. By my own rules, that I apply yo myself and discuss with my partners, yes, playing with others while you're attached to someone as a monogamous partner would be cheating. But that's not what's important. What is important: are you happy? If you're not happy with your relationship, get out of it. Plain and simple.

RopeBunnie​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Nov 22, 2019

From a medical standpoint, 3-10 years is pretty ambiguous...as the hospice nurse said, it sounds a bit fishy! And, as someone else pointed out, unless it's a degenerative disease, then I don't believe that would be an official outcome that is offered by most medical practitioners. If you aren't happy, then yes, I agree, get out of the relationship. I know that is much easier said than done, though. Others have offered good advice. Take time to reflect upon what YOU want and do what's best for you...if you're unhappy, then the relationship won't be any good to either of you. Best of luck!

Just Jessy​(switch gender queer){Owned} • Nov 22, 2019

It is a degenerative disease. He has Duchenne’s Muscular Dystrophy and he’s 22, life expectancy is 25, but I’ve heard of people living into their 30s, so that’s where I came up with 3-10, that’s not something he told me. He’s in pretty bad shape though. I will let y’all know that I did end up ending things with him back in June, June 29th. We’re still “friends” but he makes it a point to tell me he never loved me and I ruined things for him and now he has trust issues and can’t see a d/s relationship working out again. Well, joke’s on you, I’m aromantic, so I never loved you romantically. However, I loved you as a friend, and I’d hoped you’d at least care for me back since all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
So yeah, I ended things with him and now I’m in a fwb type ddlg relationship with my Daddy (follow our journey on my blog!). I love it, but we’re both super needy
Thank you all for your advice and replies