I dont even know

I dont even know

angelaffliction • May 27, 2019

Honestly i am jusy going to rigjt up exactly how im feeling and what im confused about or dont understand.
1. How do i choose a dom/daddy/master ect.
2. How do i know where i fit? Im so ornery
3. How long until i make a decision, how do i make the decision?
4. I want to have a genuine conecction and understanding of my partner and what makes them tick
5.pls help im so confused and i want to cry
K bye and thank you in advance

AngelicOne​(sub female){Owned} • May 27, 2019

1. Choose who you feel most comfortable with, and who provides you with what you need.

2. That’s the beautiful world of BDSM you don’t have to ‘fit’ into cookie cutter expectations. Just be you.

3. There is no such thing as a time limit. And tell any Dom trying to force a time limit on you, to go piss up a rope.
Trust and foundation takes time to build, and grow, and everyone is entitled to do it at their own pace.

4. Those of us that truly follow the lifestyle, crave those things, you are not alone.

5. Sub frenzy is a thing, and it can be overwhelming, and confusing, and make you want to cry. My email is open if you care you reach out. I would suggest on making as many subbie friends on here as you can, because we love to help and support!

Freya369 • May 27, 2019

Please don't think I am being a b....ch...however, without really taking sometime to find out who YOU really are and what You really need ...well it's all mute...isn't it?

Knowing yourself is time consuming and takes a lot of effort...and one has to realize that. Are you wiling to postpone, defray ...in an effort to know who you are...we really can't just order from a menu..with something as important as who we are.

WhiteRoses​(sub female) • May 27, 2019

You are NOT filling a job description, you are looking for a relationship that includes items of mutual interest!

You have to know yourself, what you want from ANY relationship.

Then you have to get to know the other person, PERSON, NOT title, not position.

There is no time requirement. Feelings should develop naturally not because a role has to be filled. That is just a recipe for disaster. Wanna know how I know that? Disaster experience.

You should get to know people based on common interests in the community just like you would outside of the community. The interests are just going to be more interesting..... But you still have to be compatible as people first!

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • May 27, 2019

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

First of all, brittneyangel, slow the fuck down and calm down. What you are feeling is not at all unusual or odd. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, snowflake, but it's the truth. It even has a name. "Sub-frenzy."

Now, I don't know what the specific circumstances are for you. I don't know you. But, i can make a pretty astute guess from what you have written that however you got to the place you are, you currently have a driving need to find a place where you belong. Someone you can belong to. With.

01_ "How do I choose a dom/daddy/master etc?"

Get to know them as a person. Maybe even a friend. Talk. Laugh. Cry. Move slow and easy. It's not a destination, but a journey. This is not to say that it doesn't sometimes happen like a lightening strike. But, my experiences have been that what happens so quickly can end just as quickly. Stop looking for YOUR Dom/Daddy/Master. What I mean is, don't be looking for just A D-type, ANY D-type, to surrender to. Speaking only for myself, that is a turn-off to me. If you are not after ME, but just any interchangeable Someone to surrender your control to, then why would I possibly be interested? What could you possibly have to offer to me that I would know was mine and not just anyone's who happened along with a leash and collar in their hands looking to tame just A submissive, ANY submissive would do?

I don't mean that to be harsh. But, think about it from the opposite point of view. Would you really want a ping-pong ball "I'm a Domly Dom" to scoop you up like a toy, that you, yourself, didn't actually mean anything to beyond some wank fodder they could easily discard when something new (and thus better) came along in a week or so?

I didn't think so. Find the person you want to surrender to. Not the title. Check out the man (or woman) behind the curtain of The Great and Powerful Oz.

02_ "How do I know where I fit? I'm so ornery."

Ok, first. Stop trying to turn me on.

Teasing you a little bit, but there is a bit of truth there. There are D-types who actively enjoy "orneriness." Some will try to tame it out of you, sure. Some wouldn't want anyone that couldn't be ornery. Typically, this is referred to as "bratty prey" whether it actually is or not. What I mean is that brassiness (strength, determination, and self-assertion) does not necessarily equate to brattiness (which is typically more an attention-seeking behavior).

The important thing (at least in my not-so-humble-opinion) is that you have to be you. Nothing else will work long term. In the short term? Sure. Some Alpha type breast beater could crawl through your psyche and make some changes. But, the more radical the changes, the more harm they will eventually cause. Helping you to become the best version of you that you can is fine. Even laudable. Shattering you and remolding you into a creature of their design... ***shrug*** It's not my ball of wax and I have some issues with it. But, if that is what you actively want, what you are seeking, then it is possible to find it here amongst the denizens of The Cage.

But, again, that is your choice. Your power of consent, just whether you wish to be tamed or valued for that very orneriness you mention.

03_ "How long until I make a decision, how do I make the decision?"

The fact that you can ask that question means you are not ready.

I've talked elsewhere about the dichotomy (trichotomy?) of the head, the heart, and the will. The short version is that if any aren't on-board, that train shouldn't leave the station. If there is any doubt, any question, then that is a hint that you should slow down and evaluate just where that doubt, that question is coming from. If you can't trust they will catch you, that they are capable of catching you (even just mostly) then why would you jump from a height that could harm you?

There is no rush. Anyone who tries to tell you there is, is probably hoping to rush you past something they are hoping you won't see. It is a journey. Not a destination. Sit back. Relax. And enjoy riding. Er. I mean, the ride.

04_ "I want to have a genuine connection and understanding of my partner and what makes them tick"

Precisely.

And the only way to gain this until such a time as we perfect the Vulcan mind meld is to...take...your...time. Who IS this person you are wanting to surrender your most delicate and guarded bits to? Forget fucking them. The gonads have absolutely no sense sometimes. Will you sleep for them? Completely unguarded and vulnerable? Will you tell them every little detail about you as the whole and unvarnished truth, the good, the bad, and the ugly? Even as a submissive of whatever sort, you do have thoughts, opinions, wants, desires, and needs. WHAT about this person makes you think you can trust them with yours?

Time.

Now, right about here, it would be easy for a young person to say, "that's easy for you to say, Grumps. You're old. You've HAD your good times."

Yes, I have. Good times. And bad times. And due to some health issues, I am well aware that I don't have just a whole lot more time left. So, what does that say that I, who can feel the end of the sand running from the top to the bottom approaching, will tell you to slow down and wait and be patient and take your time? Wouldn't someone who doesn't know they have much time left be telling you not to waste any?

I would. And I don't. But, taking the time to get to know someone outside the dynamick before allowing to fall into the dynamick (on either side of the slash) is not wasted time.

5_ "pls help im so confused and i want to cry"

And where is this vaunted orneriness?

Shhh. It's alright. It really is. You cry if you need to. But, don't feel alone. I honestly could not tell you the number of submissives (and no few D-types) that it has been my distinct pleasure and privilege to know in some capacity or another that have stood right where you are. Felt just as you are. It's new. It's scary. Society as a whole tries to tell you that you should not want this. But, something in your soul has been building up through a steady ache until it has reached a point that if that itch is not scratched, either your head or heart will explode.

You are not confused, little brittneyangel. You WERE confused, but too blind to know it. Now, the film and haze of what everyone else told you should want and be and do has been stripped away and you are learning something new about yourself. Something you hadn't let yourself realize before. And I would worry more if you didn't feel the slightest trepidation embarking on this new journey down a path you have not seen. To never feel fear is not a mark of bravery, but insanity. Or at least ignorance. The brave are afraid, but do what their soul cries must be done anyway.

Take your time. Talk to people. Learn from people that have been further down the path than you have. Their experiences won't be the ones you will find. Not precisely. But, they can give you a general feel for it. For myself, I can only tell you that there is danger, yes. But, also wonderful glory. Pain and pleasure. Joy and sorrow. Love and heartbreak. Which makes it different from any other life path not in the slightest. But, I wouldn't trade this one for any other if I could turn back the hands of time and choose again.

But, then, don't we really do that every day? Isn't every single day a choice that we make to continue on as we are, or to turn aside and elect a different path? And whatever any Alpha type breast beater might say, even as a miserable little submissive first trying to peer down this path, you do and will have a choice. Your consent matters. The power you choose to surrender, and who to, is always and forever your choice. Each and every day.

Iceprincess​(switch female) • May 27, 2019

If you need to talk im here for you.

MasterBear​(other butch) • May 27, 2019

1. How do i choose a dom/daddy/master ect.

You dont. The two of you together as a team decide.




2. How do i know where i fit? Im so ornery

This is where insight comes in. Think about how you would want ty o be treated when your ornery. What does that mean to you - emotionally ?



3. How long until i make a decision, how do i make the decision?



You dont make the decision. You and yours make it together as a team. As far as how long - thats up to you to. I tend to be slow. I wait to see what someone will do. Others fast like they are riding a critch rocket.
And just because a decision is made DOES NOT mean it cant be reversed.


4. I want to have a genuine conecction and understanding of my partner and what makes them tick

Talk to them. Ask them upfront questions abour what you want to know then go have fun exploring.

Bunnie • May 27, 2019

@ Brittanyangel,

I’m not going to add much more. Everyone else has covered your questions.
What I do want to do however, is to point out something I consider very important, and that you should (seriously) give yourself a pat on the back for. You reached out and asked. In my opinion... that puts you miles ahead.
Take on board what has been suggested, and you’re well on your way

My suggestion... read, read, read... and ask questions.

As I explained to someone recently... I set off on this journey thinking I was looking for a Dom. It turned out that I was looking for myself.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • May 28, 2019

brittany, if you haven't already, I would recommend reaching out to some of the other submissive women here. One or more, may be able to assist you with answers to other question you may not have asked. And usually that is done in a no judgement/strings free kind of way. At least one has already stepped up, so I recommend that you take her up on her offer. It cannot hurt and it may help you to gain more perspective on who and what you are or want/need to be.

Last words of advice. While being in a relationship can be important/fulfilling/rewarding, a relationship should not define you. In other words, don't mold yourself into a relationship, find a relationship that fits you, your needs and your desires. It is much easier said than done, but trust me you'll appreciate the difference if you ever experience the first way. Remember that a relationship is just that, a BDSM relationship has the same rules and many of the same dynamics as vanilla relationships. A relationship based on kink or BDSM is just much more dependent (or should be) upon communication, trust and understanding than sadly, most vanilla relationships are. There is no one way or right way to do this, it's as individual as the people involved.

However, do yourself a favor, don't rush into anything. Take your time and savor the moment, your first time will only happen once and you have the ability to choose with who and how it will be, if you take advantage of that opportunity.

nvm

GodBBCMaster​(dom male) • Jul 2, 2019

nvm