Online Dom/Sub relationships

Online Dom/Sub relationships

lillymay​(sub female) • Sep 2, 2019

I’m curious how online relationships between doms and subs are so easy for some people. Me personally, I can’t do it. I can see myself with a mentor guiding me but for a relationship I need the physicality, the face to face moments with nothing but air between.

This doesn’t mean anything bad, right?

My rebellious nature makes things hard with a dom/sub relationship online. If I know I can’t be punished then I am kind of a brat in the worse ways.

I hope that doesn’t make me a bad person.

Shiruba Doragon​(dom male) • Sep 2, 2019

An on-line D/s relationship is different to a 'face to face' in that it relies totally on trust. Yes I know that any healthy relationship must involve trust, but 'on-line', especially if the two parties have never met, there is only the trust. Trust that when the Dominant gives an instruction to the submissive it will be carried out. If not, the relationship is other than D/s. Both partners must 'want' the D/s relationship and give themselves fully into it in order to gain the pleasures that such a partnership can give.
As for punishment, This depends upon the nature of the relationship. If the sub enjoys being a brat and craves punishment, the trust must be such that when the Dom instructs the sub to punish him or herself, it will happen.
If as Lillymay suggest, she needs a 'face to face' relationship, then On-line is not for her. And 'no' id don't think that is a bad thing, we are al individuals after all.

No Body​(dom male) • Sep 4, 2019

LOL no your not a bad person just one who knows what she wants and needs. Online is a start for those who need the space to get to know those they talk to. It is a first step to something bigger and longer not an end all thing. Yes they want the phisical as well but have been hurt or can't do it right away. So they chat and get to know each other till they can meet in real life.

Debz​(sub female){Barnaby} • Sep 4, 2019

You need to think about what you need because online is easy enough until you do actually meet and experience the physical side. Also if it is gonna be a long distance relationship, then its even harder.

No Body​(dom male) • Sep 4, 2019

This is true. Long distance is hard but if he is worthy of your time and you are worthy of his heart then time and distance do not matter. Many soldiers are far from home but still know where their hearts are. Online is not for you and that is your choice but many do not have that choice for one reason or another. Respect the choice they make and they will respect yours. In our lives we have many choices that will lead us down different roads. paths cross and are never seen again. Take time to understand others so the road you walk is smoother without the fears and doubts we have as we all go on our way.

Debz​(sub female){Barnaby} • Sep 4, 2019

My relationship is a mix of online and long distance but perhaps I didn't explain myself very well. I was still on my first cup of coffee and still waking up when I wrote it

Luckyy​(dom female) • Sep 8, 2019

In my experience, the last sub I had was online and it was quite different from having a sub that I could be physical with. But that's ok!

For you, you mentioned that you felt like you couldn't be punished if the relationship was online, which is interesting. There are definitely still ways that subs can be punished even if there isn't a physical aspect to it, and I definitely still had plenty of punishments for my sub at the time that worked effectively. But, that person was also someone who didn't enjoy being regularly physical in their day-to-day life, so I think the online aspect was more natural to them.

But, like with you, that type of relationship isn't for everyone.

Bunnie • Sep 8, 2019

Hi @ lillymay,

It doesn’t make you a bad person... or a bad submissive... or “less than” in any way.

It makes you a tactile person.

I too am a tactile person, so can definitely relate to what you’re saying. I have though, experienced being a submissive online, so I can tell you it is possible if it’s something you want. The feelings are very real, the connection is very real, the power exchange is very real... and the punishments can be very real lol (I’ve locked my blog off, however if you would like to read a blog I wrote on the experience of a punishment I received, I’m happy to share it).

The struggle for me is that one of my major forms of “replenishment” comes from connection in the form of touch... so I have found that eventually my “well” tends to run dry... unless it is agreed that I can still be a part of my offline community in some way as well... even if only in a social aspect. As a bunny, it worked for me simply by being able to bottom for Riggers that were aware of and willing to work within negotiated agreement with everyone involved.

I like your honesty in saying that you’d push boundaries etc. Not many people are willing to openly admit that they’re not the “perfect submissive,” so for that I say kudos to you.

My first experience had me terrified of doing anything wrong. He really had me in line. And it worked most of the time, and then I would break. Everything would come tumbling out and things would get messy and it was a disaster for both of us.

More recently, I have been messy the whole time. Pushing boundaries, not doing as I’m told. It’s been horrible and horrifying for me (especially as I identify as a slave lol)... however, something different has occurred. The fear of being abandoned if I’m not perfect has slowly begun to subside. I don’t know if that’s great or not because my level of service at the moment is pretty crap lol. However... something different is forming. My service and desire to be what this man wants doesn’t come from a place of fear... it comes from a place of respect and admiration.

When you begin to experience that, punishment takes on a whole new meaning. It’s no longer about being spanked... it’s about learning to trust the person who’s view means everything... which includes trusting whether they believe you require punishment or not. It turns out that for me, punishment is my escape. Learning to take responsibility and stay in my actions is the difficulty that I am learning to face. And that can be taught exactly as I’m learning it... long distance.

Our end goal is for me to be his in person. Preparation beforehand never hurts though in my opinion.

*don’t get me wrong though... I have many, many red ass moments waiting for me

cyndi lucy • Sep 8, 2019

I agree. You're not a bad person. You should communicate your wants and needs and your partner should as well so you can have a good, trusting relationship.