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little guilt? topping as a little?

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cerulean​(switch female)
6 months ago • 09/15/2019 3:46 pm

little guilt? topping as a little?

cerulean​(switch female) • 09/15/2019 3:46 pm
I wonder if there is such a thing as "little guilt" or if anyone could relate to the concept? I've been exploring my little side more recently because when I've been able to enter little space it's felt really wonderful like I've rediscovered a beautiful part of myself I lost somewhere along the way, but sometimes I feel guilty about it like I should earn it by adulting better and taking better care of my husband - who finds relief and peace when I top him in impact and rope play and would enjoy greater domination. I can't and won't deny that I've enjoyed topping impact and rope, but I struggle when I'm not in the natural head space for it. He would enjoy being beat 2-3 times a week. I don't have the capacity for that, and I unfortunately haven't felt up to the task for weeks now. I feel very sad and guilty about it. I don't like denying him, but I have in the past pressed myself well beyond my natural capacity and did a great deal of harm to my mental and emotional state. I mean there was more going on during that stage in our life, but regularly beating him at his request, while things were emotionally charged and difficult between us, was a huge part of it. I was a shell of a person following that time and have spent years in therapy rebuilding.

We've worked long and hard to rebuild communication and decided to reenter the bdsm realm. It went well for a while. We put together a dream play space for bondage and impact play. We used it frequently. He was happier than I had seen him in ages. Then I hit a point where it started depleting me again. I had been expressing more and more that I felt I had a little side. I had frequently attempted discussion on how to have my sub needs met and the conversations often went poorly. Then a while ago, we went on a date and I was feeling little, happy, and exuberant, but he was troubled on the way home worrying and stewing in his head as I sang with the music and bounced around like a goofball - both because I had had a nice time out with him and felt like a happy goofball and because I saw he was upset was desperately hoping to be so delightful that it might make him happy too. I wanted to end the date with mutual laughter and enjoyment, so I could go home to happily beat him as I had offered before we went out. I knew the beating would give him relief of his troubles. It always has. I didn't mean to ignore that he was struggling. I had offered to beat him because I knew that he needed the release. I just really wanted his delighted attention as I bounced around feeling bubbly, and I ended up getting my feelings hurt as he stared seriously over the dashboard. We got home. I went to the restroom, mind readying to bind him and work him over thoroughly. I found him sitting on the couch staring into to space. In retrospect, the best response would have been to order him out to the play space and start the impact scene immediately then try to talk about my feelings some time later. Unfortunately I didn't do that. I tried and failed to calmly express that my feelings were hurt that he was so unresponsive in the car when I was trying very hard to be delightful and engaging, that I knew he had been struggling and I was sorry for that but that it would mean so much to me if he could just set things aside and enjoy being with me when we go out. It devolved into a tangled emotional exchange, I cried a lot, and in the end, I didn't feel comfortable doing the impact scene because I don't like to hit him when feeling emotionally strung out. It wasn't my finest hour.

I know that I've been failing as an impact top lately. Topping that way hasn't felt right for me for a while, and I've been frightened of slipping into the abyss I was in years ago if I press myself. Yes, I still fight depression and anxiety, but I was beyond feeling back then. It's like I wasn't even in my body. I trudged through life barely making eye contact, barely speaking because I felt nothing I thought or did mattered. I won't go into all the surrounding details, but it was dark and I never want to fall that low again. And that darkness is tied to the image of beating my husband when I didn't want to. But...the greatest peace I ever see in his eyes is after I beat him.

I've been wondering if there is any way I can top as a little. Probably not. I've spiraled into internal panic when he has voiced desires for domination when I was in little space. But maybe if it weren't a surprise? Maybe if I was prepared? I don't know, does anyone see some plausible possibility? Any experience? Any advice? He has been accepting of my little, but I want my little to be loved. And I don't want to ignore his desire for domination. I wonder if the joy I feel as a little could give me the emotional strength I need to top. But I also see that I could damage my little side or even my whole self if I try to do that. And quite frankly it seems a bizarre scenario to even be considering.
MasterBear​(other butch)
6 months ago • 09/15/2019 5:25 pm
MasterBear​(other butch) • 09/15/2019 5:25 pm
Dear cerulean,

This isnt a BDSM thing that you are going through. This is a relationship thing.

You are pouring energy into a disengaged partner.
Heres the hard part.

Nothing that YOU do can create engagement. Your husband has to decide to engage.

It sounds like, to me, that you have been jumping through hoops trying to find that magical sweet spot where he gives back.
And for a brief moment in time he may, but he cant sustain it.

Take a step back.
Remove the BDSM aspect from your relationship and ask yourself questions.

What are you getting out of this?
Are you happy?
What do you want?
What do you need?
Can you keep doing this-- as it is ---for the next 5 years?
    The most loved post in topic
6 months ago • 09/15/2019 7:03 pm
Justme26 • 09/15/2019 7:03 pm
NEVER TRY TO BE SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE NOT! It might sound hard but honestly, can you go on like you are. (I have never been married or in your situation but) I would tell him that you are never going to dom him again, but that he is free to find a new dom. Maybe even find a women who could dom both of you. You would both be much happier because he would be more secure in knowing that he is going to get what he wants, and you will be able to be your self.

Hope that is some help, but neither of you are going to be happy as long as you are trying to be something you are not (get me).
AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond}
6 months ago • 09/16/2019 4:51 am
I know we’ve talked before about his willingness to possibly allow you to top others at the club, but would you both be willing to let someone else at the club top him for a scene? He’d definitely be able to find a willing impact top that way and get his release while not putting pressure on you to top if you aren’t in the right headspace at the time.

As it relates to your question about impact topping in little space, yes I do think that’s possible. HOWEVER, you still have to be in the right headspace for it. Sometimes feeling little comes from a need to feel nurtured and cared for and innocent and if that’s where you are in your headspace then it’s not a good time to try and top him. But sometimes feeling little is just a need for silly light hearted happiness. Since you enjoy your impact sessions for the most part, try putting on your little gear, bringing your stuffie to the play space and setting him in the corner where you can see him, put in ear buds that you can hear your little music in, turn on music in the room that will set a different tone for your husband to hear, blindfold him, and then just dance around the room to your little tunes while you whip the hell out him. I think with enough trial and error you can find a balance that fulfills both your little and sadistic needs.
6 months ago • 09/16/2019 6:33 am
Bunnie • 09/16/2019 6:33 am
Hi @ cerulean,

I mean no offence when I ask this because I am only going off what I read above, however, I’m wondering if you do identify as a Domme/Top or if perhaps you are simply stepping into that “role” to please your husband?

The main reason I ask this is because something I have come to learn through both my own experiences and from discussions and observations with those close to me, is that when we find what’s right for us, it isn’t draining or exhausting or soul destroying... it’s actually quite the opposite... it’s soul nourishing.

Everything I read above was about making him happy... and by all means I’m absolutely for that... but at what cost to ourselves? If it’s not right for us, who wins if things continue as they are? He watches you destroy yourself trying to please him... and well... you destroy yourself trying to please him.

My intention is not to sound harsh, so I apologise if I do. I’m just not sure how to say that more gently.

I’m glad to hear you’re embracing your Little... that is no easy task. And you’re right... she does need a safe space to be able to come out and be heard.

I understand you said you have spoken, but I’m wondering if you’ve actually *been heard*. It seems to me like perhaps you have not.

My suggestion would be to determine what the best outcome would be... for *both* of you... and determine if you can work on a path towards that together. It sounds like there’s a lot more that you both need to talk about. Is switching an option?
cerulean​(switch female)
6 months ago • 09/16/2019 4:40 pm
cerulean​(switch female) • 09/16/2019 4:40 pm
@Kitten - We have discussed him being topped by someone else. He isn't comfortable with the idea. It would be strange given the fact that he reiterated this morning that he ONLY feels intimacy via domination and sadomasochism. He said he didn't sleep last night and I said I'm sorry babe. He said, "I never get to feel intimacy anymore." It has been weeks since I have felt up to beating and dominating him. I feel bad about it. I understand it is an intimate need of his though he refuses to acknowledge it as a need. Intimacy is a need. It shatters me a bit every time we find ourselves there. I wish my husband felt intimate with me in more scenarios than that. I don't emotionally know what to do with that information. And sadism is not a need for me. I have definitely enjoyed it. I have skill at it. I don't doubt I could enjoy it again. But it is not a need. My husband feeling intimate with me is a need.

My little needs definitely manifest more from the need for nurture, care and innocence.

@Bunny - I definitely identify more strongly as a sub, though I've never been claimed by a Dom so it could be nothing more than fantasizing over a concept.

He doesn't understand my words about my needs because that form of intimacy is entirely foreign to his thinking. He has been trying very hard though. I recently wrote to him trying to make things clearer for him. That has been some help in his understanding and he has been working to apply that knowledge in our interactions. It just does nothing to fulfill his own intimate needs.