little guilt? topping as a little?
6 months ago • 09/15/2019 3:46 pm
cerulean(switch female) • 09/15/2019 3:46 pm
I wonder if there is such a thing as "little guilt" or if anyone could relate to the concept? I've been exploring my little side more recently because when I've been able to enter little space it's felt really wonderful like I've rediscovered a beautiful part of myself I lost somewhere along the way, but sometimes I feel guilty about it like I should earn it by adulting better and taking better care of my husband - who finds relief and peace when I top him in impact and rope play and would enjoy greater domination. I can't and won't deny that I've enjoyed topping impact and rope, but I struggle when I'm not in the natural head space for it. He would enjoy being beat 2-3 times a week. I don't have the capacity for that, and I unfortunately haven't felt up to the task for weeks now. I feel very sad and guilty about it. I don't like denying him, but I have in the past pressed myself well beyond my natural capacity and did a great deal of harm to my mental and emotional state. I mean there was more going on during that stage in our life, but regularly beating him at his request, while things were emotionally charged and difficult between us, was a huge part of it. I was a shell of a person following that time and have spent years in therapy rebuilding.
We've worked long and hard to rebuild communication and decided to reenter the bdsm realm. It went well for a while. We put together a dream play space for bondage and impact play. We used it frequently. He was happier than I had seen him in ages. Then I hit a point where it started depleting me again. I had been expressing more and more that I felt I had a little side. I had frequently attempted discussion on how to have my sub needs met and the conversations often went poorly. Then a while ago, we went on a date and I was feeling little, happy, and exuberant, but he was troubled on the way home worrying and stewing in his head as I sang with the music and bounced around like a goofball - both because I had had a nice time out with him and felt like a happy goofball and because I saw he was upset was desperately hoping to be so delightful that it might make him happy too. I wanted to end the date with mutual laughter and enjoyment, so I could go home to happily beat him as I had offered before we went out. I knew the beating would give him relief of his troubles. It always has. I didn't mean to ignore that he was struggling. I had offered to beat him because I knew that he needed the release. I just really wanted his delighted attention as I bounced around feeling bubbly, and I ended up getting my feelings hurt as he stared seriously over the dashboard. We got home. I went to the restroom, mind readying to bind him and work him over thoroughly. I found him sitting on the couch staring into to space. In retrospect, the best response would have been to order him out to the play space and start the impact scene immediately then try to talk about my feelings some time later. Unfortunately I didn't do that. I tried and failed to calmly express that my feelings were hurt that he was so unresponsive in the car when I was trying very hard to be delightful and engaging, that I knew he had been struggling and I was sorry for that but that it would mean so much to me if he could just set things aside and enjoy being with me when we go out. It devolved into a tangled emotional exchange, I cried a lot, and in the end, I didn't feel comfortable doing the impact scene because I don't like to hit him when feeling emotionally strung out. It wasn't my finest hour.
I know that I've been failing as an impact top lately. Topping that way hasn't felt right for me for a while, and I've been frightened of slipping into the abyss I was in years ago if I press myself. Yes, I still fight depression and anxiety, but I was beyond feeling back then. It's like I wasn't even in my body. I trudged through life barely making eye contact, barely speaking because I felt nothing I thought or did mattered. I won't go into all the surrounding details, but it was dark and I never want to fall that low again. And that darkness is tied to the image of beating my husband when I didn't want to. But...the greatest peace I ever see in his eyes is after I beat him.
I've been wondering if there is any way I can top as a little. Probably not. I've spiraled into internal panic when he has voiced desires for domination when I was in little space. But maybe if it weren't a surprise? Maybe if I was prepared? I don't know, does anyone see some plausible possibility? Any experience? Any advice? He has been accepting of my little, but I want my little to be loved. And I don't want to ignore his desire for domination. I wonder if the joy I feel as a little could give me the emotional strength I need to top. But I also see that I could damage my little side or even my whole self if I try to do that. And quite frankly it seems a bizarre scenario to even be considering.