Trying to improve/define/work on my confidence as a Dom

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Nov 11, 2019

Don't forget to train your mind, as well as your body. Knowledge is power so read.....read books that you associate with powerful men...Chaucer, Dickens, Tennison, Shakespeare (he was a raunchy dude..)..the classics. A sharp mind will help you build your self worth. A Dom is supposed to guide a sub not only in the bedroom, but in life as well (at least in a D/s M/s dynamic. You can't help HER improve if you don't improve yourself first.

Why Would I Be Nervous?

DomThinker​(switch male){{Jazzi}} • Nov 8, 2019

What do I have to be nervous about?

I've been doing this for years. I know exactly what I am getting myself in for.

I'm a man. I can take it.

Thanks for your excellent contribution.

CuriousDom​(dom male) • Sep 13, 2019

I appreciate all of this advice, I'll be sure to keep them in mind for sure. Thank you NCarraway, Shiruba Doragon, Zealous, AKittenforSir, and MasterBear. You've all been very helpful.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Sep 12, 2019

Self doubt is a critical emotional process on D types that are balanced.

It is also a normal emotional process when you are in BDSM. If you are looking to become more confident then practice being who you want to be. It sounds kind of simple and kind of stupid. But it starts to translate in the brain. It's the whole fake it till you make it concept.

Confidence is one of the places where fake it to you make it actually works in real time.

Practice being the person you want to become. How do they stand? How do they talk? How do they "feel"?

And never loose self doubt.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Sep 12, 2019

AKittenforSir...4. Carraway said something that caught my attention in an unintended way. “Rolling your sleeves up...” He meant it metaphorically but it made me think to suggest literally “rolling your sleeves up.” What I mean is that there are certain physical traits that can portray an image of confidence and ease; like rolling your sleeves up to your forearms, wearing a tie that’s slightly loosened at the end of a work day, standing causally with one hand in your pocket. Simple things such as this make me blush when I see my Sir doing them. You may have heard the phrase “dress for the job you want”. It’s kind of the same concept. You want to feel a certain way and project a certain image, then dress the part.

That is an excellent point. I was meaning metaphorically but it is a trick i used extensively at the start. Looking good and grooming (to some decent but not to an over-the-top level) is as much for you as for her. You need to feel comfortable, know you look pretty good and then detach from your image of yourself. If you end up obsessing over your look then its too much. Many of us will have an item of clothing that we can wear that will put us in a positive mindset. If this is something that makes you look domly them all the better (beaten up dressing gowns would probably not work well) - could be a special belt, a favourite shirt, particular shoes etc. I used to wear a particular waistcoat at the start that helped - I would always refer to it in my head as my 'spanking waistcoat' . That was something that putting on I immediately went into the right headspace with confidence. Its a good trick and I'm pleased it also came up here.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Sep 11, 2019

As a sub, I don’t have much advice of my own for gaining your confidence as a Dom but I can add maybe a couple things.

1. I’m glad you’re addressing this. Admitting that you’re struggling with something is a confident move in and of itself. It’s not easy to tell other people that you don’t have it all together. So kudos.
2. As subs we can sense when our Doms are unsure and in turn it makes us feel unsure ourselves. If you exude confidence, it adds a thick layer of comfort for us putting ourselves in your presumably capable hands.
3. NCarraway nailed his response. I was vigorously nodding the entire time I was reading it. It’s all very good advice and I hope you take it.
4. Carraway said something that caught my attention in an unintended way. “Rolling your sleeves up...” He meant it metaphorically but it made me think to suggest literally “rolling your sleeves up.” What I mean is that there are certain physical traits that can portray an image of confidence and ease; like rolling your sleeves up to your forearms, wearing a tie that’s slightly loosened at the end of a work day, standing causally with one hand in your pocket. Simple things such as this make me blush when I see my Sir doing them. You may have heard the phrase “dress for the job you want”. It’s kind of the same concept. You want to feel a certain way and project a certain image, then dress the part.

Luckyy​(dom female) • Sep 11, 2019

A lot of the advice already given in this thread is hella useful, but I will add a bit in about expectations.
With one of the first subs I ever had, I was really nervous for our first few times, both because I was inexperienced (they were as well) and because I felt like I had to live up to whatever expectations they had in mind for how I'd be.
And I think everyone sort of has these expectations naturally, or thoughts ahead of time on how they imagine things will be, but I voiced these concerns with my sub at the time and they were honestly surprised I was so nervous about that sort of thing. For the most part, they were just excited to experience things with me, regardless of how things were going to go.

I think it's important to remember that, yes, we all want to experience things and get certain things out of a relationship, but nobody has to meet any expectations. Your partner is probably just excited to get to be with you, regardless of how successful your scenes are or whatever.

And, on that note, it's worth telling your partner that you're nervous or unsure. It's ok to be cautious or unsure, and if they're cool, they'll be down to just try stuff out and not take things too seriously. It's unlikely they're going to judge your skills or whatever if they know you're still trying to get comfortable.

Confidence.

Shiruba Doragon​(dom male) • Sep 11, 2019

There is in my view only one way to grow into any relationship, be it D/s or vanilla, and that is to communicate with your partner and trust in your communication. Being Dominant is not a set of behaviours it is a state of mind. You are either Dominant (or submissive) or you are not. Having said that, I recognise that there is no clear line between being Dom and being Sub. Perhaps this central area is where the Switches dwell.
If you have good communication your partner will tel you what they want and what you are doing that is right or that they don't like. If your communication is open and good, the negatives will not be a threat, they will lead to growth. The most important aspect in any such relationship is trust.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Sep 10, 2019

Good luck to you young man. My in-box is open if you need to talk further. NC

CuriousDom​(dom male) • Sep 10, 2019

Thank you!

It helps hearing these from an experienced Dom. You've given me a better perspective and I appreciate all the wisdom.
Even the way you write has given me an idea as to the kind of energy I want to convey, the kind of almost effortless kind
of confidence and dominant communication that I'm sure you've developed through trial and error. I'll work on myself
and hopefully find my balance.
Thanks again!