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Enamored Dominant or Just a Lunatic?

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Quirkyrebel​(sub female)
2 months ago • 12/09/2020 2:29 am
Quirkyrebel​(sub female) • 12/09/2020 2:29 am

I'm sorry that you went through that. That was very messed up! Do not blame yourself for getting defensive towards anyone or defending yourself.
I think since you've gone through that you look back and ask why you put yourself through that situation. It's quite possible you had that attraction that is present in situations of hostility. Though I thought you said you had family, chatted, and slowly met up with him because of your cautious and slightly aware instincts... you're rationality towards safe and healthy relationships was not fully developed yet. Hence, the phase some of us subs go through (putting that nicely) where we meet the more tricky and unkind doms despite the kind surface we first find from them. I can't explain this phase, however it is important to understand the warning signs and gut instinct before you end up as the pitiful and unfortunate. Who voiced their sad experience.

There are many warnings out their and outside views and opinions. Feel free to let others know of anything fishy and don't doubt that in the future! The more inexperienced and new subs just starting out their journey are at highest risk! So please don't give those asking if their instinct or second guess is proper or considerable the cold shoulder! As starters, we have tendencies to not believe things are as bad as they are in truth of the person pursued. (Whether you or them) We require love from those who reach out to us in order to realize that disrespect and mistreatment are not the answer!

Thank you, and remember to keep a good watch so you may meet those worthy of healthy relationships and dignity! This was an inconvenience, not something you hold any responsibility over. Unless you were the one relentlessly controlling your partner without kindness or respect. Later!
2 months ago • 12/03/2020 8:00 pm
Low{BLK OWND} • 12/03/2020 8:00 pm
If this were happening to me in such a short period of time mere days after all I would definitely be putting on the brakes
Especially before making life altering changes like contracts moving in breeding these are big deals
If he wants you this bad now after a few days he should want you even more after some time has given you both the chance to get to know one another more
If he can't deal with cooling his jets I believe that is a huge red flag
Best of luck to you
Choose Wisely
PS you can always fantasize about the things he has mentioned as a way to kind of try them on before completely committing
meeshymeesh​(sub female){Quackers}
2 months ago • 12/03/2020 6:38 pm
meeshymeesh​(sub female){Quackers} • 12/03/2020 6:38 pm

this is my last reply on this matter because I feel like you want to be more critical of my decisions and prove me and others to be wrong (I glimpsed some of your previous posts). I still appreciate your responses because you do offer an alternative way of thinking about this situation that is outside of the box which I assume is your philosophy. That's cool you wanna defend broski but please understand that I did what I could in my relationship. This post was originally meant for me to figure out if I was right for feeling that things were off with this guy so that I could better express myself in the relationship. I really wish you would stand back and think of things from my point of view and understand there were reasons for why I did what I did that you may not know of because you don't know me. I'm a very nice person and have vowed to give my life if I ever saw a stranger in trouble. I'm aware of how to talk with people and avoid conflict as well. If you look through these posts you can see that I really wanted to give this guy a chance despite most people's advice and warnings that I would end up getting killed. You seem to have missed that I dodged a bullet. No hard feelings to you though, you might think I'm evil and you probably will continue thinking that even after this post.

I've told him I had flaws, I don't understand what your point is with that. His mom didn't always pester him, she did when he was living with her in the past but no longer because he lived alone. You seem to have gotten the idea that I was always on him etc., I cleaned his apartment and rearranged things upon him asking me to help him out. We planned out things so he could minimize trash and keeping his living space clean. How can you say he has no say in the matter when he lives like that on a daily? How is it unfair for him when a guest or a love interest comes in and says you're a bit too messy for me? You expect that when you bring someone in or even ask them several times about moving in. He accepted all of that when he asked the first time for me to move in without even knowing me. I refused to sit there and check his floor upon his mom's request, or to check him when I came over to see him. From day one from me visiting him he acknowledged that he knew things were a bit messy and I said well at least you know. I even stuck around after seeing how he lives which I know most women, grown women would've been like absolutely not. Words of advice for anyone and everyone. If you know you're an obscenely messy person don't invite them over to visit and definitely don't invite them to move in with you. At the end of the day, this man was begging me to move in with the idea that I was going to clean up after him 24/7. Apparently, my job was to be the house sitter for him at all times and we had already discussed that I wasn't about that life. Which leads me to my next point.

I never pushed him away until it got to sex, which is what I was talking about in my previous post. I was not about to just have sex with this guy as if everything was just fantastic when I clearly had trust issues. Upon me letting him know that instead of addressing them he would just say that they were things that could be worked out after I moved in. So it's not as hard for me to talk about things regardless of the topic. I took the approach of 'let us' work on things which led to us planning to rearrange his apartment in a way that he could best appreciate it so he could continue keeping it clean. You seem to wanna bash me for not wanting to smash on a pile of dirty laundry. If that's how you roll, cool, but for me, if you can't keep simple things like that clean, what am I to make of your personal hygiene then? Your way of doing things would get you caught up with someone who isn't exactly cut out to be with you because you'd be ignoring red flags. A person who asks you to move in with them, marry them, and have kids with them is not considering your feelings one bit if they haven't taken the time to know you as a person. PERIOD.

There were so many issues between us besides cleanliness lol that was just an example. The other issue of him having another female turned out to be what I found out since the relationship ended. So none of that affected my decisions. I stayed by that fool through it all. Even post-relationship he messaged me in hopes that I would be willing to go house shopping with him, after all, that had gone down. Like I listened to him and tried to be the best I could for him but he didn't do the same for me. He was an untrained/fake dom who expected me to be his pet with the snap of his finger. He was otherwise unhappy if I told him I didn't feel right about things because and I quote him "you don't want to have feelings you just want to serve me, don't you? A good little slut just does as she's asked and doesn't worry about feeling." That's a scary situation to be in and it took a lot for me to tell him that I wasn't down for any of that. So being that I broke his idea of what a sub is he didn't want me anymore, I was supposed to be quiet and not complain about anything. True maybe that hurt his feelings but the supportive doms here have all told me that they 100% listen to their subs and work things out with them so both of their needs are met.

When it came to methodology, I asked him from the start what he expected of me as well as other things. I mentioned way back that he made me journal my feelings every day and he would respond to them. He would also offer suggestions for me that he wanted me to do. When I put my concerns down in the book, he would only say he understood and that those were issues that could be better resolved if I just moved in. So yes after that I requested to move away from the dom/sub aspect of our relationship so we could see one another just as people. We had argued several times and which is the example I refer to when I said let's make a list then. This was after asking what do we do? I want things to work out but do you? Towards the end of our relationship hell yeah I was pushy because he was pushy about me moving in. You get what you give. But we had a google doc open and when I had asked that question I didn't expect an answer or suggestion right then and there. But the suggestions he gave me were things like "I wish you wouldn't work because it makes me feel like less of a man," "Since you don't want to have sex, I'm serious-you should at least wear the anal plugs I got you so that I know you're willing to be obedient", " you should wear your maid's outfit or nothing at all when you're here with me". So when it came time to talk about things on our list he was upset that I was still untrusting of him sexually and just not ready for things to go that far. He felt that I was undermining his desires when I wasn't, I told him I wanted to get there but being sexual for him was about me giving him kids. When I asked him what could I do as a person he told me to be less of a brat. So yeah, I guess that was a specific situation.

After leaving someone like that, especially after leaving them on 'read' for weeks at a time when they were concerned for my well-being, I would not come back at all. If I did I would just apologize and say yeah I was a jerk for that but I really hope you have a great life or something. I think he got mad things weren't going his way sexually and that I wasn't a dumbass for laying there and bearing his child. In a relationship, when you give each other advice or suggestions, and you tell each other you're going to work on them, no one expects to see any change in a day. So why not wait until you can see those changes take place (if you really love one another) and then move to the next level. To me, these sorts of things make relationships stronger (I explained this to him like this as well). It's a wonderful feeling of intimacy knowing that you both are interested in one another enough to try and change the way you do things. You might even grow stronger together and find a new way to do things. These sweet people here taught me that it takes hard work and lots of care for one another to be able to have a good relationship, especially with any BDSM aspect in it since you rely on and trust one another to be vocal and to respond to further the bond. He yee'd his last haw with me when he abandoned me.

Lastly, the last nitpick was about me saying I didn't get a chance to confront him. Allow me to reword it. I failed to track him down and beat his ass. One thing I stood strongly by throughout the whole relationship was to not ever cheat and regardless of how mad we got with one another to never ghost. He agreed that those were some things he also stood by strongly. His other chick conceived while we were at a good point in our relationship and he had just met my family. I recall him getting a UTI sometime around then as well but hey could be another theory I guess. So knowing all of that, knowing that he's moved her in and everything, why would I attempt to stir up drama especially when a life is to be born within their household? I've moved on as well and am much happier in my current relationship. So yes I am avoiding it for the fact that I would be extremely angry when I was more than patient, more than kind and gentle about things and that's what I got in return. So being that I have direct evidence (recently), things are as they seem. How can I be trusted to find the answers you ask? It takes more than one person within a relationship to find the answers in my opinion. A person who relies purely on themself for answers is an idiot (Judge Judy voice here). In addition to my analyzing and guessing, I would rather ask a person who is capable of giving me an honest response than to ask someone for an answer that I may or may not receive. I'm sure he found all the answers he needed from me because I was very vocal in how I felt. That's communication. If you can't do it, make a list. Can't make a list, draw or just say one word. Do something, don't run. I would probably still be friends with the guy now had he just talked with me. Life goes on though.

Hope you and everyone else stay safe,
Quirkyrebel​(sub female)
3 months ago • 11/28/2020 9:48 pm
Quirkyrebel​(sub female) • 11/28/2020 9:48 pm
I'm the type of sub who prefers to get to know my Dom first. If I meet one. I suppose some couples move in together after 3 months... I'm never the type to trust within just two weeks. That would be foolishly blind in my opinion! And I am also the type to talk back whether playful or uncomfortable. I strongly suspect that your Dom is putting up an act! Until you're completely powerless, chained up (at worst), and controlling you to the point you're a piece of meat in his basement!

Such a brave soul to cross paths with this guy and sign printouts as a disclaimer... Perhaps saying, "She was willing to give up all control and human rights to be used like the perfect mannequin! So get out of my territory cops! Haha!" Better luck being disabled for life and having a legal court sign guardianship to a Dom that is a clever doctor! What a dream~

"Let's become serious and start a family!" You decided. Sounds rather young and naive to me. Your Dom surprises me that he is not discouraged by that.

"Kind, but really wants my passports and id" you say. Sounds like the real deal cupcake! I want to see your story on the news princess! Good luck!

It's not my position to deal with guys like this. I'm bratty and totally not his type I bet! But send me the link to your survival story! Cya!
Taramafor​(sub male)
3 months ago • 11/28/2020 3:16 pm

Re: Everyone Has Flaws

Taramafor​(sub male) • 11/28/2020 3:16 pm
meeshymeesh wrote:
I'm in no way saying that I don't have flaws. In fact, I'm admitting just that.

To us, yes. Have you done so to him? "Lead by responsibility". And hope others follow the example.

meeshymeesh wrote:
His mom knew it was unacceptable and recommended that I video chat him randomly to ensure his floors were clean and his clothes were picked up off the floor.

Ahem. One word. Spying. Look at it this way. "Pressure". being "pestered". Having no say in the matter. Being told what to do. It's quite possible he never got to cleaning the place because his mom and you were constantly on his back about it. Add in a feeling of lack of self worth or/and feeling drained/tired constantly and people tend to get stuck in a bit of a slump. Especially with the added "pestering". It's more of an issue for his mom and you. It's better to give a reason/incentive then to make demands or constantly ask over and over. Beating a dead horse with a stick tends not to go down well.

meeshymeesh wrote:
because I wasn't ready to take things to that level knowing I wasn't that trusting of him.

In regards to what exactly? And trust or not it's honestly not an excuse to push people away. Hard, yes. But I get people to engage with me even if they have concerns. I take the right approach to it though. "Focus on the positives. What we can do. The here and now." etc, etc. The main issue seems to be the mess on the bed and such. And that other girl you mentioned. The former affects the "current moment". As for the later, it doesn't have to affect THIS moment. In times like that I put myself in a mindset of "Deal with it later. Enjoy the now." I've been through the works enough times to get really good at it. Good times leads to better things. Bad times, the reverse. If shit sucks, suck an egg. If life tosses lemons, make lemonade. You get the idea. Easier said then done, I know.

meeshymeesh wrote:
I'm sure whatever it is I definitely did ask, and the more I talked about trying to figure out a way to work things out with him, the more he began to shut down on me or snap at me. I asked him specifically, "We both are unhappy about things, so let's make a list and try to talk about things so we can work through them."

Your approach was clearly flawed then. 1: You focused on how unhappy you are (It's better to state specific situations then generalise). 2: At no point do I see a question mark here. Therefor, it is not a question. He's being told. 3: Even when you do ask it might come across as being "pushy" on the matter. Yea, it can be a delicate balancing act trying to talk to people in those moments. Direct questions and straight answers I guess.

meeshymeesh wrote:
Instead, he disappeared on me for a few weeks apologizing and actually trying to talk to me as if we had been talking on the daily lol.

Sounds like he was overcome with fear and couldn't handle the pressure. It happens. If you had came back after being absent would you pretend things are fine or give into despair? So the fact he was "talking on the daily" can indicate he was trying to have an "ok" attitude. As opposed to a negative one. People hide their pain.

meeshymeesh wrote:
I never got my chance to confront him about his current chick to let him know I know he cheated, and that he's a twisted human being and all.

There's more to it then that. To what extent I don't know, but I do know it's a much more complicated affair. Yea, he's a twisted human being. So was I. And the people I know. And so are you. When things get rough our ugly sides come out. Now, you say you didn't get a chance. But is that true? Or did you know and was you too afraid to talk to him about it? This is probably what affected things the most. I know of stories of similar situations. Maybe he could have told you. But being young and dumb people find it hard to be upfront and control their fear and struggle to speak up. Considering this is likely your biggest concern do you think you want to know the details? Or are you yourself avoiding the topic?

There's just too many unanswered questions regarding the other girl. And things aren't always as they appear to be. That's all I can really contribute on that account with the limited information on the matter. Let's say you never try to find out. How can you be trusted to find answers with the next person in hard times?

Personally, I always need to know. If I'm going to hurt someone or be hurt, I have to know why at least. I'll push people pretty damn hard to get a straight answer too. If I have too. At that point it's a matter of wherever someone stands their ground and faces me, or flees in fear. But at least you try when you try, right?
LongerJohnny​(dom male)
3 months ago • 11/28/2020 1:10 pm
LongerJohnny​(dom male) • 11/28/2020 1:10 pm
Hey Meeshy.

Saying hi, just keeping it on the light side. No lectures from me this time haha.
Reading you the past few days it does seem like the past year has made you so much more self-assured than you were back then.
It's nice to see. Well done.

meeshymeesh​(sub female){Quackers}
3 months ago • 11/28/2020 12:58 pm

Everyone Has Flaws

meeshymeesh​(sub female){Quackers} • 11/28/2020 12:58 pm
Taramafor wrote:
As for his other flaws, just remember, you have your own. At the end of the day it's about being there for each other and supporting each other. Maybe he wants too but just doesn't know how. The question on my mind is if you asked. When people struggle that much, in my experience people that are younger tend to get wrapped up in all the stress and forget to go "What can we do about this bad moment we're in."

Hi Taramafor,

I'm in no way saying that I don't have flaws. In fact, I'm admitting just that. I'm actually saying that I was more than ready to be supportive despite him not seeming to be on the same level of maturity and seriousness as I desired. The flaws I was working on with him were mainly keeping things clean, like I cannot stress this enough. He knew having 8 pizza boxes piled up by an overflowing trash can, with cookie dough left in the mixer on the counter accompanied with flour and his suit/work clothes and shoes scattered from the kitchen floor to every other room was unacceptable. His mom knew it was unacceptable and recommended that I video chat him randomly to ensure his floors were clean and his clothes were picked up off the floor. I stuck around knowing that he was like that and said we can work on it. The 'flaws' he saw in me were things I wasn't doing to satisfy him because I wasn't ready to take things to that level knowing I wasn't that trusting of him.

And can you maybe clarify on your question of "if I asked"? I'm sure whatever it is I definitely did ask, and the more I talked about trying to figure out a way to work things out with him, the more he began to shut down on me or snap at me. It's not like he didn't want to be better either, I think he just figured I should still want to be a full on sub for him despite me still feeling a little uneasy about him. I mean come on, it's hard to get freaky when you have to move dirty laundry and trash off the bed, or even just to make a path to the bed. I asked him specifically, "We both are unhappy about things, so let's make a list and try to talk about things so we can work through them." Instead, he disappeared on me for a few weeks apologizing and actually trying to talk to me as if we had been talking on the daily lol. I suspect that he found out his other girl was pregnant then and he had found out and was going through what some people might know as the male version of mourning sickness. Hey, it's just a theory though. So I honestly feel like I was the best doormat for him as I could've been. I thought maybe he needed to feel the support to get over what he had going on but nah, he just needed another girl who was willing to get prego and clean up after him. I mean, money talks for some people.

Sorry if some of these things come off as a rant, but please mind you that I never got my chance to confront him about his current chick to let him know I know he cheated, and that he's a twisted human being and all. At the same time, I've also moved on and am very happy with things as they are actually.
Thanks for chiming in,
SubtleHush​(sub female)
3 months ago • 11/27/2020 6:16 am
SubtleHush​(sub female) • 11/27/2020 6:16 am
meeshymeesh​: "I actually worked with him on a lot of those issues but it got out of hand and I had to wash my hands of him."

(Its really hard to work with people on their issues. There is a psychology behind self-growth. When I was a professional organizer I occasionally had spouses, sisters, family members call me to make me a present for someone else. I did it once and never again. Giving someone a chance to grow isn't going to work. They have no skin in the game. They have to want it, seek it, and pay for it. That challenges them to get back what they put in. It's the same for therapy. If you are an adult you have to book your own appointment.)

(When you help someone casually they don't see it the same. I call it the good hair syndrome When someone is complimented, on their hair or clothes etc, it's a boost. They feel great in that moment, but it wears off and they forget it and go back to how they were feeling. Its the same when we try to work with someone. It's all good in the moment and then it fades. And if it is a behavior, like enabling and being spoiled that they like - and is easier than saying no- they go right back.)

"It got to the point that his mom was buying furniture for us after I had clearly let him and her know that I was not interested in moving in with him until he could prove he was more mature which I estimated to be some years. The time that I did date him was less BDSM and more like raising a grown ass kid."

(Sure, she created the situation by enabling him and was trying to hand off the baton to you. It's a great thing that you valued yourself enough to step off. Taking such things on can become a full time job and the minute you stop it can all go back to what it was or get worse.)