Struggling to settle into being a dom

Struggling to settle into being a dom

Domanitic • Aug 13, 2021

So I discovered bdsm a decade into a long term relationship. I'm dom and my partner (F) is sub. We're experimenting with that, but I'm finding confusing definitions out there of what it means to be and act dominant. I'd really like to hear from some more experienced people what the dynamic feels like and how it plays out.

The last few books and articles I've read have talked about scenes being a set time where the dom does various things to their sub that the sub has previously consented to. (The sub sets the limits, the dom plays within them.)

I was reading about one guy talking about how he made his sub orgasm multiple times through spanking and forced orgasms, etc. day after day. Another about tying up a sub and sensation play and impact play into endorphin heaven. Another about commanding a sub to do various things to bring herself to orgasm.

It seems to me from reading all this stuff that the dom's role is nearly always to bring their sub to some orgasmic or endorphin high. (Even withholding orgasms is just a way of making the final release that much sweeter.) Then at the end of a scene or after a scene the dom may or may not orgasm.

But where is the dominance in that?

It seems more like being a servant than a dominant.

Miki • Aug 13, 2021

Not a Dom by any stretch... But I'll throw in a thought or two.

You been reading the wrong material, buddy. Anything that focuses on just the sexual aspect of a D/s relationship is simply "erotic literature". Useful in its own way as entertainment, but not something you want to rely on to learn the nuts and bolts of the dominant role.

What was lacking most in what you read was how to relate to your submissive as a human being. Find out what they want besides the erotic and go from there. Sometimes what you want or need to do comes naturally as you go along.. and communicate often with your partner.

MrFulmen • Aug 13, 2021

One of the most fundamental lessons for finding success and happiness in kink is "There is no One True Way." When you read something about how to be a dom that that doesn't suit you, don't stress about whether you're doing it wrong or they're doing it wrong. Just think "That's not for me," and move on to look for something that's a better fit for your passions.

There are plenty of people whose version of being a dom means being in charge, getting your way, and having your desires catered to. Try my stuff for starters: https://www.consensualdominance.com/

Naya • Aug 13, 2021

I suggest you read a couple of the blogs on here, two that spring to mind are

Literate Lycan - Nature of the beast
Civilised Stallion - Master of Today

They will help you understand far more about being ‘A Dominant’ than being simply dominant.

Some of what you have been reading sounds like an account of a pre booked time slot in a dungeon perhaps?

Domination is an all encompassing style of expectations and rules which umbrella’s every aspect of life depending on style and needs. Rarely are 2 dynamics the same, although they maybe similar.

The accounts you have read would appear to refer to one part of a lifestyle, rather than the whole thing.

My favourite part of the dynamics I have been lucky enough to experience is being sexually and physically submissive. Mental submission takes much more work for me even though I love the outcomes.

Good Luck

cherilynn​(sub female) • Aug 13, 2021

I don't feel I have the right to tell a person with a dominant personality how to be because I just don't have one.

However, if you don't mind an opinion from a person who leans more towards slave, here ya go...

I, personally, don't care to be catered to unless and until it is what the D type wants.
I am a sexual and service minded slave so that works for me. However, I had to try on a few different hats to find one that fit me. As I continue to grow, my hat could change.

There are a lot of different hats for the D type as well and as many relationships models. If I may, choose what you likę and works for you and yours and throw the rest out always remembering consent is important and so are limits.

You do you

Naya • Aug 13, 2021

I think my advice is relevant, from my own perspective. I’d just like to add that those blogs apply very much to my style, but are not everyone’s opinion.

For all I know you might want to start out with short scenes and work things into other parts of life.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Aug 13, 2021

Where is the Dominance in that?

Stereotypes can mess things up sometimes. Debunking the stereotypes may open up a path to more clarity.

You mentioned bringing a submissive to epic orgasm is more like a servant. Serving is part of what great leaders do. It is not the same as being a slave. When you think of good leadership and affective guidance what qualities come to mind?

It takes time to assimilate to this subculture; much time and patience to tailor it to suit your life and the desires of those involved.

Exploring and growing is what keeps the feast delicious!

VelvetGlove​(dom male) • Aug 13, 2021

There is no such thing as a D/s for Dummies book. There are no how-tos. In my experience, those who write how-tos or brag of their exploits are usually arrogant pricks who have no idea what they're doing.

You have to look within to find your way in this lifestyle - within yourself and within your play partners. Communication is your best friend. Talk with one another at length about what turns you on. Delve deeper than just the sex acts. Talk about what attitudes, words, scents, sounds, emotions turn each other on. What are your triggers? You may or may not want to discuss WHY.

Then you have to connect the dots to make your own path. It's not easy but it's incredibly intimate to know a partner in this way. And you may discover along the way that the roles you've chosen don't fit quite right. Be flexible and make them your own. It's all about discovery and adaptation, IMHO. All the best to you!

Miki • Aug 14, 2021

Just a side note to address that which I didn't see while skimming this thread:

The appearance aspect. Big deal or not?

Well, what winds my clock? "Rippling biceps, Six--Pack abs, long schlong and hairy ass"....

NOT!

... YUCK...

As with what has already been said about proper respect and communication, when it comes to whether or not you feel as though you "look the part"-- don't sweat it.

Just be clean, of tidy appearance, and please don't smell ---and the rest of the appearance angle will take a back seat to what really matters.

* * * * *

Just thought I'd throw that out there. People may or may not find it relevant.

MelMell​(dom female) • Aug 14, 2021

If there’s anything I’ve found about being a dominant in here by talking and trying is that there isn’t a true way to be dominant. Everyone has a different way to dominate and it’s fine as long as both you and your sub like it. Take me for instance, I don’t always come out as dominant but there’s times where my dominant side will come through without me even noticing it. I personally prefer being a guide and mentor to my subs more than sexually dominating them and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you look around blogs and profiles of different dominants in here you will notice that they are all different and into different things. Just find your own style, the one that resonates with you and don’t worry so much about the labels.