So yea that just happened...

So yea that just happened...

SheaSubbyButter​(sub female) • Feb 25, 2020

Hey Cage family,

I want to run a scenario by you and just pretending I’m asking for a friend.

Recently, I had my first play session with my Dom after he and I talked about excessively for the last six months because there is distance and the work other obligations between us. So for me as a sub it was intense so intense that the multiple orgasm and the mix of pain had me in an overwhelming pile of sub jello and tears.

Unfortunately, my Dom was displeased and dissatisfied and claimed that it was nothing like what he expected and then he vey aptly said it was “fucked up” as I basked in the glow of bliss and bruises and bite marks my Dom lavished upon me he was so upset that he couldn’t even see how deliciously happy I was, overwhelmed and unexpected tears but I felt like my whole body was humming in harmony and no matter what I said he wouldn’t except or listen.

Now I just feel horrible and he isn’t talking to me at all and has left me no choice other than to give him space I suppose.

So my Dom and Sub Cage family is there anything that I could have done differently? We’re my emotions misplaced? I’m honestly not sure of what to do, has anyone experienced anything like this or was this just a bad experience for me and me alone?

Thanks in advance for taking the time and responding, sending you all hugs and kisses

The Captain​(dom male) • Feb 25, 2020

Hi Shea

I just read your post...and all I can say is that I am shocked! Is the guy a new dominant? I suppose he could be bringing the behaviours that a previous submissive displayed, but he should know that there is no 'one size fits all' in this.

I saw that you have decided to give him some space, which is...nice of you...but please make sure that you are okay first. Aftercare is so important and to know that you did not receive it is kind of troubling...

I am sure that the rest of the cage fam will advise you, but take care of yourself first.

Cap

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Feb 25, 2020

I'm hoping some of the Maledom members will jump in here as my experience is more Femdom related so my mileage may vary.
Reading what you wrote and going off that alone, I don't think your to blame. I don't think you could of done things differently either. Please don't take his words and let them detracted from your experience or put you off in the future. Congrats on your first too!

Taking a guess was the Dom new to BDSM?
It reads like he might of taken HIMSELF past his limits (unknowingly) and actually scared himself or has Dom Drop. Dom guilt is often hard to deal with for new Dom/mes when fantasy turns to reality. Reality can often be very different than new Dom/me expect. I think maybe give him some space but so much space that the can distance himself from you and has you there for support.. I think maybe in this instance, its going to have to be you that supplies the most aftercare (its not just for subs) Also don't forget to take some time out for you, just in case you crash too. If your not sure what Dom/me drop is or what subdrop is there a few posts on the boards that could help. Exercise and time, doing things that you enjoy are great for re leveling out the chemical soup that your brain has produced. Support from others that understand also works wonders.

SheaSubbyButter​(sub female) • Feb 25, 2020

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Hey Miss Bonnie, thank you so much for taking the time to response and your advice resonated with me deeply.

He is anew Dom but won’t admit it though. I have had the pleasure of learning so much here with my Cage family and tried to get him to join for the same reasons but he never did. After everything I did give him some aftercare a great massage and I cuddled him and rubbed his head until he slept. It was nice for me to connect with him that way to because I know that Doms need aftercare as well just like you stated in your response.

I do believe the reality of our six month long conversations were very different and the more I tried to talk to him the more he just seemed to shut me and and as a sub being shut out is the worst unless it is a learning moment and an agreed upon act of punishment. However, I did ask him was he willing to learn more about BDSM and Domming and subbing for our dynamic and he said “yes” but I am not sure he meant it.

I am taking some time for me as I give him some time, I have checked in on him via txt and his responses are still very cold so now I’m just giving space at this point, no pushing, poking, questioning or anything just complete space.

Thanks again for the advice and response

The Captain​(dom male) • Feb 25, 2020

Well i'm glad to hear that you are taking the time @SheaSubby

What @MissBonnie said is also totally correct, and it is likely that he will come back, tail between his legs, when he realises what he has in a submissive! Look after number one, and don't allow any misplaced feelings that he may have towards his ex, to mess up your shit!

Cap

SheaSubbyButter​(sub female) • Feb 25, 2020

Yes Cap, I totally agree that I need to take care of myself too in this case. He said I was to wrapped up in the lifestyle of everyone on the Cage and read to many blogs and books lol. I tried to tell him that BDSM is the lifestyle I want and because that I honor it with always learning so that I can be the best submissive that I can be in it. However, I think that kind of went over his head a bit.

The hope is he returns, but I will accept it if he chooses not too, I want a Dom that wants and honors my submission not one who acts like he doesn’t care or doesn’t respect it or me. I am very aware that there will be ups and downs, that’s like but when you choose to walk through it with a partner you choose the totality of that arrangement in which you discussed and agreed to, the good and bad learning and growing to make it your own personal paradise and haven from the outside world at least that’s what I feel should happen.

MRachelM​(sub female) • Feb 26, 2020

Hi Shea,

I'm sorry to read what happened to you. That is not BDSM, it is abuse. I find it deeply troubling and offensive both on a personal level and as a professionally as a practitioner.

Please take care of yourself. You performed perfectly and genuinely and that should be sought after and prized by anyone deserving of the title Dom/Domme. It's a responsibility and a lifestyle, not a way to get one's own needs met at the expense of others.

Please feel free to message me, I hope to be able to repair some of the damage by processing with you what happened and why. I would hate for that submissive spirit to dim.

Others new to the lifestyle take note: Make sure one person is experienced and can show you evidence of that. Get references. Get a background, reach out and ask others about people's reputations, get a CONTRACT that outlines each parties' expectations and includes a NonDisclosure Agreement for both parties if you value your privacy. If nothing else it forces both parties to cool off and discuss these things up front like adults-if they don't want to there is a reason and it is usually not a good one. You cannot be too careful, undisclosed inexperience and intentions can be very dangerous on many levels. As in everything, look before you leap.

We are very passionate people. It can make us vulnerable. Vulnerability is a double edged sword in the lifestyle. Be safe, be well. Be respectful in all things.

XXRachel

MRachelM​(sub female) • Feb 26, 2020

To clarify: I did not mean professionally as in I accept payments. I don't and never have. Contracts are not just for money matters-if you want to involve money-you do you. I don't judge, I do what feels right for me.

Bunnie • Feb 26, 2020

“It reads like he might of taken HIMSELF past his limits (unknowingly) and actually scared himself or has Dom Drop.”

I’m with @ MissBonnie on this. That’s how I read it too. I also agree that it’s unlikely you could’ve done anything different... it sounds like you let go and had an amazing experience

I’m sorry to hear it ended so abruptly though. Seeing you in that state may possibly have been triggering for him, so he may have responded in the only way that allowed him to feel in control and safe. That sucks for you though, because it would’ve been nice for you to have that support to come down with.

I’m hoping you both get the opportunity to talk it through and learn from it. Good luck

Phanes​(dom male) • Feb 26, 2020

Shea,

You would think after talking with someone for 6 plus months, he would had a better grasp as to what to expect when you two had your first lifestyle session together?
I am sure you both discussed expectations, limits, safety precautions, and aftercare?
Did he define why he was upset and considered the situation as to why it was "fucked up"?
Do you attend to his needs during the session?

I agree that perhaps he bit off more than he can chew and that he may had gone further than he expected in what he had done to you during the session and perhaps was overwhelmed by his actions in bringing you to the state of mind in the end. Possibly scared him to the point that it was a side of him that he is not comfortable in being.
It is easy to text/talk out a scenario, but to put it in action when you are not sure of yourself and your abilities can be daunting. It's apparent that you two have a different views as to what you are looking for within the dynamic. He may be wanting a more conventional dynamic, sensual and intimate. Whereas you have a more intense, masochist tendencies. Both that should have been discussed over the 6 months of previous discussions in determining if you two are compatible in what you seek within a dynamic.

Lastly, he shows to be a bit immature. First by not providing you any aftercare nor allowing you to enjoy your state of mind after the session. Secondly, not discussing as to why he was upset. As we all know, communication is key in a lifestyle dynamic and how is one to know what he/she needs to do to further improve on it if it is not discussed? Running off and feeling sorry for himself is a bit selfish, keeping you in the dark questioning what you did wrong is ridiculous. A major red flag.

As others said, don't let this take away from the pleasurable experience you had, nor question your quest in finding someone who understands your needs within a lifestyle dynamic. Apparently there was a definite disconnect in what was expected to happen during this session.