Non-Sexual Dominance

Non-Sexual Dominance

AnnMarie • Apr 25, 2020

My Dom and I are new to the community. To help build his confidence in being dominant, we have discussed him being dominant in a non-sexual way. Can you please provide suggestions?

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Apr 25, 2020

@AnnMarie,

Read this post together: https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=2417 and the associated comments.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 25, 2020

Ok, this is a good question but one that has to be decided based on the two of you and how you two connect with each other outside the bed room. Without knowing the two of you, it's hard to offer suggestions. So instead I am going to ask you one important question. You don't need to answer them for me, but it may help to find what helps him feel his dominance.

Question: What do you as a sub do to help him feel respected, loved, understood, and cherished? Your question is phrased with him as the focus, but there are things you can do to help boost his sense of (as Rich calls it) "Floaty Happy Dom Space". The best way I can describe this without being a Dom is the peaceful equilibrium one gets when all is right with the world. This can come both deliberately and non-deliberately. This can be anything from small acts of service to a specific ritual that helps him feel at peace.
A good example: I had been at a friend's house that I had not seen in over 7 years. We got carried away talking and I thoughtlessly left my phone in my car.
Why was this a problem? Well, Rich and I had been in the habit of texting and emailing frequently throughout the day. He knew I was going to my friend's house and would be out of touch for a while, but this was the first time we had gone over four hours without contact since we started communicating, and I had never missed responding to him. He knew this visit was going to be emotional for me and checked in asking if I was ok. Four hours and one chatty visit later I got back to my car and saw his message and called him right away. He was really worried and his mind was wandering with "What happened to her? Why isn't she responding?" One large adrenaline rush and a long phone call later I was on my way home. He wasn't angry at me, but he was upset and trying very hard not to go overboard in his response to me. I thought about this the whole way home. I had hurt him. Not deliberately, but I did hurt him. I needed to own it. I got on the forum here and found myself responding to a post talking about how much it bothered me that I had hurt him. I ended it with the following statement: "Had I been in front of him at the time, I would have been on my knees with my arms around his waist and my head in his lap." And I meant every word. He read my response and called me with his statement of "It's no longer an issue. That statement put me in my happy floaty dom space." Knowing this in turn put me in my "Happy Floaty Sub Space". The interaction itself was not planned or even pleasant, but we talked through it, listened to each other, and I didn't stop with just telling him I was ok and expecting him to "suck it up". I stopped what I was doing to make him my priority and ensure he felt that. It really is about connection.
I hope this is making sense....

Re: Non-Sexual Dominance

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 25, 2020

i know i don't speak for everyone, but i don't think it's possible to separate from ones sexuality. i think it may be in a resting place, or locked away for one reason or another, but i think it's there? Of course, i'm speaking from my experience, more studies are needed .

How about select some D/s porn that appeals to your potential chemistry and watch it together? As He watches it, watch Him and His responses (breathing and penis are good meters lol). It might indicate some things to start with?

RavenN • Apr 26, 2020

Feeling and looking beautiful for your Dom helps build confidence and it’s fun if you both become involved.
An easy way to feel ‘marked’ by your Dom is to have him pick out a nail polish color and paint your fingers and toes for him.
Discuss fashion styles and colors, include heels, lingerie and even jewelry. Find out what he likes then give him two options (outer and under clothing, shoes and jewelry) to choose from daily. Let him know if you change and send pictures too.

DominusJ​(dom male) • Apr 26, 2020

The basic, fundamental, and foundation of any D/s dynamic should have nothing to do with sex or an aspect of sex. What?? Read on..

I can imagine many will disagree but I don't care who you are.. if you're "really" wanting to get know someone and fully connect, you still have to go through the vanilla steps. And, you certainly better. Take the time and get to know their favorites things, connect with their thoughts, favorite foods, songs, hobbies, family, career and activities. Call that vanilla but the more you learn, the better your connection will untimely be.

Like any meal, a dessert is truly the cherry on the top. When you've build the foundation, connection and trust.. the dessert is the intensity of the sexual side.

The more you fully connect and get to know someone, the better the sex will be. And, will continue to be.

Bunnie • Apr 26, 2020

Hi AnnMarie,

“Can you please provide suggestions?”

Sure

I would suggest first sitting down together and gaining an understanding of what dominance and submission means to both of you, and finding a middle ground to begin with. This can help provide a bit of a starting point I think. Perhaps you could use a site or printouts to help.

The reason I say this is because my concepts of “non-sexual” may seem quite mundane... so the suggestions I make may not resonate with your ideas of what D/s looks like.

Something as simple as setting up little routines. eg. You wake up first in the morning and make his coffee... which you proceed to present to him by kneeling as you hand it to him... or just give him... depending how “ceremonial” you want things to be. Nothing sexual. The things requiring discussion with this scenario would be, if that’s something he sees as being a D/s gesture... if he even likes coffee... if the idea of having it presented is appealing etc etc... the finer details. It’s the details that can create some beautiful “non-sexual” more “service” orientated submission situations in your relationship.

I would say start simple, and build from there.

The important thing is... ask him. Ask him how much control he wants to be responsible for. What areas are comfortable for him, or not so much? What “acts of service” may appeal to his dominance?

An easy trap that many can fall into is seeking “generic” advice from others, when the one person who’s opinion that really matters is the one you’re aiming to please. So although it’s great to gather ideas to take to him and present... my advice is to be mindful of respecting that if you want him to be in charge... it’s your responsibility to give him that opportunity.

Good luck to you both