Does monogamy exist in the D/s world?

Draiocht​(dom male) • May 22, 2020

OP, I have been wondering the same thing myself lately. It seems to be accepted in the BDSM community that polyamory is the norm. I've gone as far as to call monoamory "the new Unicorn". I can assure you that we may be in the minority, but you Can be kinky and monoamorous!

Your thoughts are certainly legitimate. As in worrying why you alone are not enough for someone, or using the poly title as an acceptable excuse to screw around with multiple partners. There is totally a freight train of emotional baggage attached to that practice and it is not everyone's cup of tea. Nothing against those who are poly. If it is acceptable to BOTH partners then have a blast. Otherwise, it is a recipe for heartbreak.

Bishop​(dom male) • May 22, 2020

Not true at all. I am monogamous, with one exception. If my submissive was bisexual and wanted to bring in another girl for her to occasionally play with, I'd be ok with that. If not, I'm ok with that as well. I agree with the above statements that the other dom who contacted you was trying to justify his own selfish behavior.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 22, 2020

Personally, i do not equate having more than one sex partner as automatically "selfish." i'm a non traditionalist and do not believe in just automatically following monogamy or having more than one partner without understanding why, choosing with understanding and openness and honesty in all relationships which ever way one goes.

my take on sexuality is that it's a good idea to have lots of discussion and understanding prior to commitment vs discovering what our sexual needs and wants are after committing. i think that puts the cart before the horse, but it is traditional in some cultures (e.g., religious) to reserve all sex or talk of sex till after the commitment has been made. i think sexual compatibility in as many ways as possible means a chemistry that can help make monogamy work. i think a reason that monogamy often doesn't work is because some people commit without knowing if they have chemistry and are constantly have to force things.
Way to simply put, but i think all relationship has to be built on communication and understanding and that trust and commitment grow out of those, not the other way around.

Bishop​(dom male) • May 22, 2020

tallslenderguy...I agree with what you said. However, it seems to me that this "dom" was trying to determine for someone else what view she should hold. He said she was "delusional" for thinking monogamy was a realistic view in this community. That, to me, is being selfish. We can agree to disagree on our particular proclivities, but no one should ever try to force or coerce someone else to accept a particular view of this lifestyle.

Mama Bear JJ​(dom female){koa} • May 22, 2020

Monogamy absolutely exists!

I was in a monogamous relationship with a Dom for the last year whom I met on this site. That said, I have run across a lot of people who have multiple partners. Everyone has been very upfront about their choice, either on their profile, blogs, forum posts, or in one-on-one conversations early on.

If it's not on their profile ... don't be afraid to ask. People are open about sharing who they are and what they are into here, and no one will judge you if you aren't into the same things ... except a very small minority you clearly had a run in with. Hang in there, and don't let him get to you, there are lots of good people here, monogamous or otherwise

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • May 22, 2020

I'm a Christian, and devout in my religion. For me, pre-marital sex is a hard limit. But, that doesn't stop me from having the *conversations* about sex in the slightest. I do believe that sexual compatibility is a part of monogamy, but, really it's all about commitment. If you want something to last forever, you treat it *differently* than you treat disposable things.

And so it is with a monogamous relationship. You treat it *differently* than anything else in your life, if you want it to last. This requires commitment from both parties.

The one thing that will kill a relationship faster than anything else .... treat it casually.

Oh, and for those who are reading this, who don't know me, or haven't read my other posts/blog

I've been married 3 times. The first ended in divorce, and other two .. well... I've been widowed twice over.

AngelBunny • May 22, 2020

liza,

I would encourage you to check out the blogs. There are several monogamous couples who blog often and it's wonderful to read about their relationships. I totally get where you are coming from. When I am in a relationship with someone, I am completely fixated on that person and I wouldn't have the energy and mental focus to spend on another partner. So I want the same in return. It seems to me that D/s would make monogamy easier because it's about trust, communication, and keeping the relationship stimulating. I agree with others who have commented, if people are able to be ethical with poly and make it work then I am happy for them. I understand being able to love different people, I still love people I use to be in a relationship with but there is a reason didn't work out and it was best for me and them to move on. Some of them I was able to stay friends with but I couldn't imagine it being anything more than that. You have a right to do what is best for you.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • May 22, 2020

Oh, horseshit. Everybody into BDSM is most certainly NOT polyamorous any more than every single miserable little subbie wants the flesh stripped from her ass and back by a chain flail... or every Dom has a chain flail in his tool kit oiled up and just looking for someone to use it on. And anyone that tells you "everyone does it" is just stuck ass first in their own Johari's Window. (And, no, I haven't ever smoked pot either.)

You like what you like and need what you need.

I like what I like and need what I need.

S/he and they like what s/he and they like and need what s/he and they need.

"There ain't no good guy. There ain't no bad guy. There is only you and me and we just disagree." ~ Dave Mason (https://youtu.be/b2ff8qXa248)

Now, it may SEEM sometimes like there is a groundswell of polyamory in BDSM, but think about it. The only people that are loud and brash about it, that will talk about it to a stranger, are those that are actively looking. When someone who is monogamous finds someone, they quit lookin'. And, for the most part, they quit being so open to talkin' about it with just whomever. The polyamorous fall into two camps. Those that are content with what they have until someone else manages to pierce deep enough that they will think about taking them on, which usually takes a long time with several steps by way of friendship before they can get there. And those that are actively looking for something else, and will talk to anyone about what they are looking for. Sort of a cattle call versus head hunting.

It could very well be that if you are mono-amorous, then the person you will eventually find is with someone else right now and stubbornly holding onto that relationship as their one and only from now until the end of time, despite all evidence that they are trying to hold back the tsunami by sticking their pecker in the hole in the dam.

Also, mono-amorous people don't deal with the cessation of a past relationship well. This means that even if they are NOT currently in a relationship, they may be trying to get over a past "failure" and not be ready to look at another one. Just how long this takes varies from person to person. Some require as much time to grieve as if the person died. And don't even get me started on if their person actually does die!

Alternatively, polyamorous people stereotypically have a much shorter rebound curve. "There are other fish in the sea." IF they even need to not have a current relationship before they are open to another.

So, while it may seem that everyone that is into BDSM is also poly, that is not the fact. It's just... well, the squeaky hinge getting the lube.

If bloodletting isn't your thing, then you wouldn't let them reach for the chain flail or sharp flechettes.

If Dominance outside of the bedroom isn't your thing, then you wouldn't let yourself sign up for a 24/7 Master/slave Total Power Exchange.

If piss isn't your thing, then you wouldn't kneel down to be pissed on.

If poly isn't your thing, then it isn't your thing. Don't compromise that hard limit any more than you would compromise on any other hard limit.

And vice versa, if poly IS your thing, then be fucking honest about it rather than saying it isn't and then sneaking around and destroying the one thing that a relationship absolutely requires to be functional, be it D/s or "vanilla," be it Poly or Mono... Trust.

***shrug***

That's just my opinion. And I reserve the right to fuck up just as much as the next human crawling across this ball of rock looking for love or connection or kismet or whatever the fuck you want to call it during this brief dream between the portal of our birth and the portal of our death that we refer to as "life."

But, any row you choose to hoe, here's to the sun out of your eyes and the wind at your back for brighter horizons on the morrow. And bumper crops for you and those you choose to give a damn about.

slaveMikayla​(sub female){MstrJ } • May 22, 2020

"It could very well be that if you are mono-amorous, then the person you will eventually find is with someone else right now and stubbornly holding onto that relationship as their one and only from now until the end of time, despite all evidence that they are trying to hold back the tsunami by sticking their pecker in the hole in the dam."

^ laughs. Yeppers. I could have used that imagery previously. Damnit. Well said, er, written.

Now, I'll add in here that not all D/s relationships are romantic or sexual. Some D/s relationships are strictly platonic in that sense (I've had two) and in those circumstances I do not see that as being non monogamous. Hearts, emotions, and all hands arms and other appendages remained inside their designated cars at all times.

Monogamy does exist in D/s. I agree with the poster who pointed out the blogs and several very adorable and wonderful couples who post there regularly.

~The Velveteen Slave

Grey Eyes​(sub female){Owned} • May 22, 2020

Yes! There are monogamous relationships in the BDSM world.

My Sir and I met on the Cage, started in an LDR, and are now living together happily in a loving, monogamous long term relationship.

And, if you haven't read my blogs, I had two long term vanilla marriages previously (19 years-divorce and 23 years-widowed). My Sir and I have connected on a much higher level than that of any of our previous marriages and relationships.

Grey Eyes