When is it over for you?

Bunnie • Jun 16, 2020

Thank you everyone, for your responses
I’m ok. Just a lot going on.
I too have always said that when I ask myself that question, that in itself should be the answer.

The battle I have been having is that I am a reactive person... especially when issues hit close. Sometimes it’s so difficult to be able to determine what is me (in regards to owning my stuff), or if we’re simply trying to “push shit uphill.”
Both of these things are so similar and leave me feeling much the same.
I have come to learn to just sit with it a little longer, and usually it becomes clearer as my thoughts and emotions settle.
However, it did make me wonder how others decide in these moments of doubt.

Dellydoodah​(neither female) • Jun 16, 2020

you have support unconditonally

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jun 16, 2020

When the thought of walking away hurts less, than the thought of staying.

Berserk​(dom male) • Jun 17, 2020

I have found Bunny, when I “sleep on it” I will wake up with a clearer path . Hope you are okay .

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 17, 2020

Never.

I never give up.

They might.

I never give up.

Mistrust.

I never give up.

Hate.

I never give up.

Pain.

I never give up.

Distance.

I never give up.

Misunderstandings.

I never give up.

Contradictions.

I never give up.

Communication.

I never give up.

Knowing the RIGHT way to approach situations.

I never give up.

NOT knowing what to do.

... Actually, reflect, learn from others, get other peoples opinions. Do NOT limit yourself to professionals alone. Anyone that CARES about you will support you. And if they say they don't...

I never give up.

And you know something? Nine out of ten situations it's ALWAYS been worth it. Baring one time someone gave up on me, but that's THEM giving up. And doubting what I'm capable of. They didn't TRUST me.

I will go through years of pain, suffering and grief. You can SAY it's not worth it, but let's get one thing perfectly clear here. If you didn't STICK AROUND and SEE THINGS THROUGH, for better or for worse, then you don't have an answer one way or the other. More then anything I need that answer. And the question is "Do we fear the worst inaccurately". If I suspect (more likely, know) that someone assumes the worst too easily, I need to find out. If I'm afraid, I FACE that fear. It's a matter of being understood.

The CURRENT situation can be volatile. Toxic. Dangerous. Unhealthy. Even to extremes. You have to mess up to LEARN.

But here's the thing. That's not the future. In order to make that go well you have to be understanding, avoid being judgemental, not lash out when you're upset and not let fear consume you. If you set that example, that is the example they will follow.

In the end, if you show you never give up, they never give up on you. Which might take a while. Doing everything you can to make things work and make each other happy.

Chances are if you have to call it quits it's because you don't know how to handle a situation. Or if you DO know maybe you don't know how to be CLEAR with the other person. Likewise they'll struggle with that as well.

It does take two to tango. But it also takes ONE to point out "This is harming us. That benefits us." In the end they always tell me I've been right. Which, is kind of irritating actually. Because people don't like you acting like you're right when you are. But truth is truth and facts are facts. Honesty makes trust. Without being aware, you will hurt each other. Without control, you will hurt each other. I WILL hurt your feelings when I say you're not good at something. I WILL hurt you. You WILL hurt me. I EXPECT that. It's life.

Then, I deal with all of that and take pride in what I'm capable of. It's not me fleeing in fear. It's not me lashing out. I'm remaining clam. I'm being clear with you when you ask me to be. And in that they learn and gain control. You have to be in control of yourself and inform others what to do in the interest of safety, sanity and happiness.

Here's a tip. If you're struggling with being clear, get the other person to grill you for answers. That honestly works wonders.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 17, 2020

regarding "right". Need to clarify to avoid confusion on the matter.

Context is key. If someone is doing something, there's a reason for it. If someone "lacks interest" there's reasons for it. If someone says "That often harmful thing is also good even when it hurts and bothers you" there's a REASON for it.

It's also a bad idea to interfere in other peoples relationships if you're not aware of how exactly they treat each other. You might see just the bad, but telling someone what to do (like leaving) is REMOVING CONTROL. Which will just push them in the opposite direction.

It's a matter of choice. And never making another's. Different then orders and telling someone what to do. The former is deciding for others. The later can be chosen to be followed or not.

Fine the reasons. And don't let people tell you there isn't one when there clearly is. Incentive and the lack of it is what drives us all.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Jun 18, 2020

I am... well, I suppose the polite word would be "stubborn."

Back several decades ago, I was the recipient of the "Fighting Heart Award" for that year's football team. In the speech my coach gave, he pretty well summed me up in one phrase, "a smart player, yet too dumb to know when he should have quit, when he was beaten."

Perhaps ironically right about that time I was involved with the gal that would become my first ex-fiance. And no matter what she did, no matter how I was hurt, I flat refused to give up. For several years she bounced back and forth between myself and another guy until finally, she (thankfully) threw both of us over for a third that we hadn't even known was a factor. And which she eventually married.

The years rolled past and after three failed engagements as well as several relationships that never got that far I met the woman I married.

And the story is supposed to go, "and they lived happily ever after."

However, I have come to the conclusion that Fairy Tales and other happy endings are just stories that haven't come to their inevitable conclusion but were stopped while everyone was happy.

Oh, we were happy. Even when health issues drove us into isolation long before we'd ever even heard of Covid. Even when I was virtually housebound and she was virtually bedridden.

Right up until I woke to find that my beautiful butterfly had shed her no longer needed chrysalis and flown on to the next plane.

Well, Happy Ever After ended. And the way the other story was supposed to go was "you only get one True Love." So, what was the point in looking elsewhere? 'Cause I'd had mine, you see.

Well, that didn't hold true either. And I found myself embroiled in other... relationships, of a sort, on my way to the wonder I have and hold now.

And I found myself having to dust off the old "Three Unforgivable Curses."

In addition to several decades of learning shit the hard way, what is often referred to as "experience," I'd also misspent time (and no little money) studying relationships in college. Which in some ways gave me a leg up on other people. And in other ways was a severe handicap. Both for me and for the people I had relationships with. Platonic or otherwise.

In the lifestyle, we talk about "hard limits." I always smile just a little (despite my alarm) when I encounter someone that says that they don't have any. You have 'em. You just haven't found out that there are people out there that will push you to them. My three "hard limits" predate my inception into this wonderful world of kinkery and fetish, a result of the experiences and studies.

1) The Imperious Curse; lying. I don't have a problem with secrets. Particularly in the early stages of a relationship when we were just getting to know each other, I didn't need to know every detail about you in the first fifteen minutes. Or even the first week or first month. But, what you did say had best be the truth or when I figured it out I wouldn't be able to trust anything else you said. Ever. It was a manipulation, but more it showed a lack of respect. Not only for our relationship but for me that I could figure it out.

2) The Cruciatus; abandonment. Oh, yes. I am firmly on the capitalized side of the slash and yet I do have abandonment issues. Sporadic messages and even walking away and dropping the conversation was one thing when we first met or had only been speaking for a couple of weeks. But, I've learned the hard way not to rely on people to be there. So, if I let someone in deep enough that I did rely on them, then I had to be able to rely on them. And if they showed I couldn't, then... it was hard for me to the first time. I won't again.

3) The Avada Kadavra; maliciousness. Towards me or someone else I care about. This could be kind of touchy. Because how could I weigh your intent? Perhaps you were lashing out in anger and your fist just happened to pass through where I happened to be standing. Actually, it's a very simple litmus test. At least for me. I told you that you hurt me, then waited. If you apologized and showed some sign of guilt, then so mote it be. If you explained your behavior, even under the guise of an apology, implicating that I deserved it, or otherwise belittled the harm you caused and me for "not being able to take it," then no. I can take a rather surprising lot. I have limped around for thirteen hours on a broken fibula lecturing my classes after a motorcycle accident on the way to work, not seeking medical help until the next day (when I didn't have class). But, you just flunked the litmus test by showing me that I wasn't important enough to be a concern.

Anything other than these three unforgivable curses, I have found I could work with. A few times over the decades beyond the point that sanity was even in the same ballpark. More than once to the point that many wondered if I was an emotional masochist hiding in wolf clothing.

But, once I had made that commitment... it doesn't matter if we are talking in dynamic, a romantic entanglement, or a platonic friendship... I was still too dumb to quit, just like Coach said all these decades ago. Unless one of these three unforgivable curses was laid on me. That's when I knew it was over.

Am I telling you that this is what you should do? Hardly. The question was how did I know when it was over. And this was how I knew it was time to ease on down the road.

What I typically tell people is "so long as the worst day with 'em is better than the best day without 'em, you've got somethin' worth stayin' for."

How you should know it's over... the point when you should give up and walk away... the line you should draw in the sand beyond which you will accept no trespass is wholly up to you. Whether you are Dom, sub, "fence humper," or "I reject labels and just am."

But, any row you have to hoe, I'll raise a sarsparilla to bumper crops for you and yours.

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female) • Jun 18, 2020

@NoC, if you are gonna co-opt a turn of phrase from either fiction or historical use, whether it's to insult someone or not, it's a best to at least have a similar definition... number 2 isn't a term of abandonment, historically it takes the name from the Latin word for pain and is most connected with crucifixion. As used by Rowling the Unforgivable Curse is the infliction of excruciating and unending pain, not someone walking away from a situation they are unable to handle, for whatever reason - good or bad. That *might* be abandonment or it might be self preservation, most like a combination of the two. Henna's two cents only of course...

slaveMikayla​(sub female){MstrJ } • Jun 18, 2020

No, Bunnie dearest, the question in itself is NOT an answer. I'm (or was) at one point, a runner. Because of past hurts I would always at some point take off and see if I was worth coming after. Sometimes I did it on purpose, sometimes it was subconscious.

I will post something again for you tomorrow... but it is about me putting up my running shoes.

When people are getting married I give them one piece of advice: "someday you will have a fight, a knock down, drag out, duke it out make it or break it fight. ... you will both walk away from it and have to decide individually are you in or out. However, once you do... it will never be that bad again.
Asking that question may well not be your answer, it may instead be your "am I in, or am I out moment" and that is NOT a bad thing.

When you say it is

Cello Master​(dom male) • Jun 18, 2020

Listen to your gut/ heart