Agree or disagree?

Agree or disagree?

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Aug 27, 2020

I believe that many merely attribute BDSM with toys and play spaces.
BDSM is not exclusively about the toys.
I have always viewed it as two souls aligned ,who ebb and flow with grace in their combined darkness.
And isn't it thrilling to take another's hand and bring them darker?

KinkySilverfox​(dom male) • Aug 27, 2020

Society likes labels. The d/s community is no different, but for me ultimately this is about people being able to openly and honestly communicate their needs and desires . Searching for another soul, that has the same desires as you, is helped by some generic labelling, but rarely tells us the true in-depth story / needs of the individuals.
Once you find that soul, who needs what you you need / can give then it is all about the journey that those individuals take, a lot of bdsm is cerebral, some never enacted just openly fantasized about , the toys an addition that allows some needs to be met. The connection, the thrill, the power that comes from getting another soul to tell you their darkest desires , the needs they dare to accept themselves, is immense. Then to be asked to help them to achieve these needs, to lead them down the rabbit hole in to the darkest recesses of their mind, that to me is BDSM.

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 27, 2020

I agree it is the energy that spark between you and your dom or sub the exchange of power and the level of trust that must be there if your D/s is to be successful that is why I wondered if a switch can be happy with just other switches because it seems if they like both sides then if they are involved with a dom and they are using their sub side could they be happy in a ltr . Anyway I agree Dominance and submission does not necessarily mean toys or play spaces but the addition of those things makes it more exciting

House Talion​(dom male) • Aug 27, 2020

Good start of a general description and I'm sure many others can add on to it. Agree.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Aug 27, 2020

I think it's a huge shame that the term BDSM even needs to exist, because it implies a disinterest in what most would call "normal" relationships. I don't think you (OP) were referring to the mainstream public with your belief statement, but I almost wish that it was limited to just "toys and sexy rooms" so I'd have an easier time explaining the fairly simplistic desires I have without opening up someone's imagination to things I don't want to be attributed to. Everyone interested in kink, with a few exceptions, is also looking for a nice, healthy relationship, but saying "I'm into BDSM" implies so much more, and makes it really difficult to slowly interest someone in exploring new activities without making them recoil at the thought of some of BDSM's more extreme stuff.
Like no, I'm not personally into gas masks and public exhibitionism. But I need to express to you that that realm of things isn't taboo for me in a way that doesn't waste your time or mine.

Imagine if you could just list "kink" as an interest on Tinder. How great would that be. At least we're moving towards that as a society, painfully slowly.

Bunnie • Aug 27, 2020

BDSM *is* toys and play scenes. If it wasn’t, we’d all simply be living like many other cultures around the world whom we in western cultures consider to be oppressed. The “fun and games” is what makes it “socially acceptable” to beat the crap out of someone or make your female stay at home with her legs spread 24/7.

Those who don’t see it as fun and games do not move in these circles because they’re shunned. They also don’t consider themselves to be particularly aligned with the BDSM community.

emeX​(sub male) • Aug 28, 2020

The abbreviation BDSM i think does a pretty good job representing the majority of activities in the lifestyle. Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochism Dominance and submission. Sure, it doesn't cover every single activity or everyone's interpretation of the lifestyle (nor should it). But overall, you gotta give it credit for covering so much ground with 4 random letters. Those who don't see themselves under the BDSM 'umbrella', you might consider using kink or alternative lifestyle as to describe your 'thing'. Might be more appropriate.

Puma​(switch gender fluid) • Aug 28, 2020

Spoiler Alert:
This response reaches past the original question posed, yet I felt compelled to release, so I did

I do agree that BDSM is often matched with toys and play spaces, games along with pain and all things dark. When it was first mentioned to me so so long ago, I do not believe it was labeled as BDSM, if it was, I most likely would have never tried it. It was referred to me as extreme kink. I was already past the typical kink of handcuffs and spanking. Those activities bored me both as a Sub and a Dom. Yet, the new toys and play spaces that were introduced to me helped me understand my handlers and how they liked to "play". These objects were visual tools used to introduce me on a physical level to a world that allowed me to be assertive, aggressive and dominate. As those toys became obsolete, the mental stimulus is what I began to crave.
As time past, I found myself wanting to be submissive. There was a controlled setting. Rules that had to be obeyed. An understanding of what true trust is and the ability to believe in this trust. Being submissive allowed me to engage my fears and to take ownership over things that were stolen from me in years past. I think for me anyway, what makes this an interesting element is all of the possibilities and room for growth. If something does not work, or is too much, or is just not the right fit, the imagination and opportunities for the next outlet are endless. Stretching outside of one's zone. Stepping just past comfortable, still intriguing, yet holding one's breath due to anticipation, giving complete control over to a dom, or having established permission from a sub to rule that experience, that is what keeps me in this world.

I have friends who find out that this is part of me and they always ask the same set of questions. Why do you want to cause or be hurt or humiliated? What do you get from it? Can't you just find something normal as an outlet?
First of all, just like with every individual in every walk of life, not all of us do all things that happen within this walk of life. I do not humiliate or like being humiliated. As for the hurt... Truth is, for me, the pain is an outlet.. More to the point, the controlled environment that allows me to play out my chaos, allowing the pain and oppression of others escape me through the expressed consent of another human can not be replaced by a normal outlet... I have tried!

-Puma

shesosweet​(sub female) • Sep 2, 2020

Agreed!

ursa​(sub female) • Sep 2, 2020

Agreed!

Don't get me wrong, I love the toys and I enjoy the play spaces.
For someone like me who enjoys being a submissive but doesn't want a 24/7 slave dynamic, the play "spaces" can be fun and advantageous.

However, I have always felt that those things aren't as integral to what I enjoy about BDSM as the "ebb and flow" that I think you are referring to. Almost like you get to "play" all of the time or whenever you want, just because you have developed that understanding and trust, regardless of the space or the accoutrements.