Lets talk about abusers and how to spot them.

Lets talk about abusers and how to spot them.

TheChimera​(sub female) • Sep 5, 2020

If you think someone is an abuser, or you experienced someone on TheCage who you feel is abusive. DO NOT expose them here in this forum. Do not name drop, do not link profiles, etc. If you're having issues please inform the Staff so they can take appropriate actions!!!! This is to discuss abusers - not start a Witch hunt.

So I made a blogpost, and it was suggested to be made into a forum post- and I liked the idea. So I went ahead and did so~

I'll start by saying that I got out of a really emotionally abusive relationship with someone very manipulative and abusive before I came to The Cage. Even over a year later and that person cut out of my life - it's still an uphill battle. I still find traits, issues, remnants, or woulds that are healing from the abuse I withstood for years.

With it. It helped me open my eyes and be able to recognize traits of an abusive person. Now, granted. I'm still learning. But once that veil's lifted- it's hard to unsee things.Regrettably, within the BDSM community a lot of manipulators and abusers enter the community and pose as either Dom or sub to be able to find someone they can dig their hooks into. Sadly, unlike physical abuse - emotional abuse is trickier because you can't always see it. There isn't physical bruises to carry that someone else might spot. report it, and help the victim out.


I'll start by traits from my old relationship that I experienced, then we'll move on to things I've seen around me.
My biggest issue was my ex would use emotional neglect and isolation to keep me in check. Abusers have many different ways of keeping their hooks deep in their victims. So please be aware the below is only a few examples of abuse.


He would shut down communication: I am always an advocate of talking problems out. Communication is the biggest key any couple can have. Be it in the BDSM world or in the Vanilla world. Had a bad day? tell me, talk to me. He eventually ignored my attempts to talk with me, he would emotionally shut down and stop communicating.


Withholding affection: When I would spend a great amount of money to visit him, and carefully plan time off with my current job to be able to see him (we lived in 2 different countries) he would refuse to cuddle me, hold me, touch me. He yelled at me once because I wanted to hold his hand. I remember at one point I tried to simply nestle beside him on the couch and he folded his arms and leaned away from me like a child would. It hurt.


Indifference. He would know I'd get upset, or hurt. He could tell something was off with me, how unhappy I would get and he'd be completely indifferent to it. He'd carry on like nothing was wrong. If you feel worthless, sad, upset - a good partner will ask about your well-being. I'd often times wonder if he still loved me or not, I usually was too scared to ask.


Isolation: My ex would deliberately do things where I wouldn't be able to meet his friends, or family. He'd try to keep me all to himself, he'd come up with reasons or excuses like "Well, you're only here for X amount of days. I missed you so much, I want it to just be us."


He would Dehumanize me, by not investing in our conversations when I would try to prompt him to talk with me, talk things out, try to work out problems. Or, if I was physically there. He'd refuse to look at me, or my face. He would stare off at the opposite wall, or scowl and look beyond me.


Contempt. My abuser would either make sarcastic, nasty comments to deliberately hurt me. "Oh, well. I guess I'll go kill myself." or scoff at issues, or respond with apathy. Or would deliberately do things to hurt me, because he knew it would hurt me.



How I finally realized that I was being abused were the feelings/flags below.

-I would try and "Rescue" him from himself. He had issues with money, drugs, booze and his own mental health. I thought I could save him.
-I believed that nobody else would ever want me. This relationship was the best I would ever have.
-I changed my behavior to suit his needs out of guilt. "I would be dead without you...I'd of eaten a bullet." so I'd stay.
Made criticism through my abuser's eyes - despite what my gut instincts would tell me.
-I'd neglect my needs/responsibilities for his needs. (Like staying up very late to keep him company constantly.)
-I was sad and unhappy in the relationship a lot. I felt worthless, like I had no value/place in his life.
-I would put off friends and family to sate his needs/wants.



In the end of it all, he tried to manipulate me in to "just being friends" because it turned out - he had a girl he was trying to sink his hooks into, and he wanted to keep me on the back-burner just in case his attempt at something with this new girl didn't work out.
I was unaware of the new girl at the time. (I found/figured it out after our relationshit ended.) In fact, he demanded I give him "Space" to think, and left me alone for nearly 3 weeks. It gave me time to think.
I put my foot down when he came back. I refused to be treated this way any longer. You don't date someone for years, discuss marriage, moving into a home (To a point we looked at houses together.) and start a life together only to suddenly say a few months later "I think we should be friends." nor do you just block someone out for nearly 3 weeks, to come back and try to wheedle friendship. Friends don't treat friends that way.
I realized it was manipulation. It was after the fact did I really realize the depths of abuse I had gone through.

Some of the things I did to pull out of this cycle of abuse - because at first? I wanted to work things out. I was terrified of being alone. I thought this was it. I had dated him for so long, couples go through fights. This was just a rough patch. <-- this was my mindset.

- It started by me not accepting the abuse anymore. And when I say this, I stopped trying to reason with him. I realized there was no reasoning or working it out with him. He wanted what HE wanted, and he wouldn't accept any other answer.
- (His own undoing) we disengaged. He demanded silence to "Think" and took off for nearly 3 weeks. He did it for selfish reasons however It gave me the time to put our relationshit under a microscope and observe it.
- I exited the relationship completely. I cut him off. I blocked him, and refused to talk to him any further.
- I set personal boundaries. In hand with the above bullet, I put my foot down- I refused to talk to him. He attempted a couple times to contact me, and I refused. We were done. Nothing to discuss, that was final - and it was on MY terms. Not his.



Reflecting back, I can see now that he was selfish, and narcissistic. He thought of himself, and did not think of me hardly at all. The only time he really would "think" of me, was when he wanted something from me. Be it entertainment, money, sex, a shoulder to cry on/vent about his day, or whatever. He never returned those courtesies to me. He'd talk with me about marriage, or starting a life together, or would perform sweet small gestures to lure me back in - not to apologize or make up, or fix the problem. It was to bait me and keep me on the hook.



Some of the red flags I find in some folks I've met within the BDSM community and even on The Cage. And honestly, these are things you can take with you in your own ventures. Please keep in mind that these are SOME traits, and not all abusers will exhibit these traits themselves, or different variances of these traits. Be that the person is a Dom,sub,Switch, etc... Abusers can be on both sides of the slash.


Volatility: This person has extreme mood swings. They'll be hot and cold, Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde type behavioral patterns. Not uncommon, these people will have a massive outburst with their victim, then shower them in affection and gifts afterwards.


Hypersensitivity: An abuser will become very offended/easily insulted over little things. The slightest issues are suddenly massive personal attacks. Sometimes this will blow up into full scale drama.


Exaggeration/lying: this is a big one I've seen around. Someone will constantly lie about different things to either garner sympathy, or try to get closer to others, or to manipulate a situation to fit them. Even when it's small things. Like how their day went.


Gas-lighting: Deliberately twisting truth to make someone believe what is truth- isn't truth. Essentially; making someone question their own sanity. An abuser may even dismiss your feelings as false or you being "crazy."


Shifting blame to others: An abuser typically will not admit they're wrong, or that they've done wrong. Often times, they'll push the blame onto someone else (Commonly the victim) in some instances, making someone believe they deserved the abuse they just took.Or, they'll blame the issues of a friendship or dynamic onto the victim.


Victimization: They will constantly make themselves the victim in situations of confrontation. Usually they'll disregard or dismiss their own actions and try to refocus attention to how they're the victim.


Narcissism: This is a big one with abusers, they feel that they're better than everyone. They deserve recognition and demand respect when there's no foundation to provide recognition or respect. They're stuck in a feeling of grandiose and can be quite arrogant/prideful.


Isolation: An abuser will deliberately get between you and your friends, or work at trying to keep you with them and only them. Sometimes by extreme methods. "Well, I don't like your friend. She's a negative influence on you." "If you love me, you'll stay here and spend time with just me." they will often times get upset or even angry if you try to communicate or spend time with other people. Be it friends or family.


Withholding/Stonewalling: Abusers will deliberately keep things from their victim in order to punish them or maintain control. Be it affection, money, sex, or communication (the silent treatment.)
**In relation to this within the BDSM community, some Dynamics have it set where a Dom will ignore the sub if they're acting out. If this is a way punishment is given to a sub, PLEASE make sure it's communicated/discussed prior and it's consensual.**


Passive-Aggressiveness: Some abusers will use passive aggressive methods as a form of manipulation as opposed to opening full channels of communication. "Oh, well... You didn't want to talk with me anyways, so..."


Negging: Basically, an abuser will make a backhanded compliment, or remark to nick at someone else's confidence. An example being: "You did really well in that scene we performed; maybe someday you'll become an actually decent submissive." It's meant to hurt with a disguise of being a compliment.


Threats: This is a bit of an extreme one, but I've seen it and experienced it. An abuser will say something like. "If you leave me, I'll kill myself! I can't live without you!" or an abuser might raise a hand, flogger, or some form of item like they'll strike the victim with it. Or full on threats. "You keep this up, I'm going to strap you to the bed and beat you bloody, fuck your safeword."
**Again, each Dynamic is different. Some Dominants will threaten their subs "I'll whip you if you keep misbehaving!" This is more intended to intimidate or frighten someone else in a very negative way. Please make sure if there will be threats- it follows SSC and RACK.**


Violation of Bondaries: Within a Dynamic, or as a general friend - an abuser will disregard set boundaries. Or, deliberately push someone. An example being a Switch refuses to have anal performed on them. However, their partner tries to coerce them into letting them penetrate their anus; despite the fact that Switch has explained that they endured sexual abuse as a kid, and doesn't like or want anything to with receiving anal sex. This can happen on a friend basis too, not just in dynamics. Someone might crack a rape joke knowing fully well their friend is a victim of rape and those jokes make their friend uncomfortable.


Violation of Safewords/No Safewords: Some Abusers (Commonly found in Doms, but subs can be just as guilty.) disregarding a discussed safeword during play, or trying to convince the other person "This Dynamic doesn't have safewords. You're a slave. Just obey me." or something along those lines. In the case of some submissives. "Well, you're a Dom. You can't use a safeword."


Constant Mistrust: One thing abusers will do, is project onto others - and a big one I've found is constant mistrust. There's constant fights about friendship or loyalty within a relationship. "Who are you talking to? Why is that girl messaging you? What are you doing with her? Are you sleeping with her?!" when there's no foundation to support those insecurities.
**Some Doms will watch over who their sub speaks with, and yes. Some folks have some insecurities. This is more in an extreme where it's a constant, usually goes in hand with Isolation, volatility, and shifting blame to others.**


Contempt: So this is a broad one- but abusers will display contempt. Be it disgust with asking for help, or giving a mean-spirited comment about someone, apathy, arrogance. Again, this is a really broad term, but CAN be found with abusers. A big question to ask when facing this is "IS this really done out of playfulness, or within the boundaries of my Dynamic? Or are they trying to maliciously hurt me?"
**I use the term 'maliciously hurt me' because in some Dynamics, pain is a factor. So is Degradation and Humiliation.*



I could keep writing about this forever. There's hundreds of articles people can read and study up on regarding this topic. I've found, within the community- if something is wrong. Try to speak up. Try to communicate.
This blog post is not the end-all, be all of traits of abuse, and that's probably the scariest thing. Is that abuse can be in so many different shapes and forms. Looking at "Vanilla" articles of what covers abuse - are actually common things within BDSM.
Like choking, or hitting, or Dominance.
I always advocate doing deeper research, study, and investigation if someone is unsure of something.



Within Dynamics, please make sure things are discussed and consensual prior to forming a Dynamic or having a scene.
Follow SSC & RACK (Or whichever acronyms that condone safety, consent, and awareness within Kink.)


Cheers!
-Chimera

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Sep 5, 2020

Very well written and informative. I have been in these relationships (yes a few). I wish I knew then what I know now.

This is great information and needs to be seen/read.

Thanks for sharing!

TheChimera​(sub female) • Sep 5, 2020

Yeah, it wasn't until AFTER I got out of mine did I really stop and see everything and went "Oh damn..."

I'm glad you're out of it Karyn, and now- you have those tools in your "kit" while venturing in the dating/dynamic pools of Kink!

I'm just hoping someone reads this and is able to take it with them as well~

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Sep 5, 2020

I'm sorry to hear that you went through all of this.

Be very proud of the fact that you had the strength of self to get out of the relationship and you are on a path of healing and awareness.

It's interesting that your bullet points are red flags.

That is it exactly.

RED FLAG.

When one instinctively sees or feels that first red flag.
That is the warning to pause and stop.
Take one step back, emotionally disengage from any further feelings, until you have answers to your questions.

It should not progress to the point that multiple red flags are waving furiously.

Too many times, people stay in the relationship, with the hope of " saving " the abuser.

When in fact the only person who needs saving, is the person who is being abused.

Should anyone find themselves in a situation like this.
When you see that first RED FLAG -

STOP. Get tough. Get out.

Under no circumstances should anyone stay and accept more emotional damage.

Do any and everything to save yourself first.

You cannot save or change the other person from what they are.

diamondneedspet​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2020

Good men are in short supply. If you find one that is honest with you and himself, it will be a miracle! Happy Hunting.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 6, 2020

People that want to change, struggle too and make mistakes are often seen as abusive. But perhaps they themselves feel abused. At no point was that even considered in this thread (or the others that bring up the topic). This isn't one sided.

Someone that is abusive has their reasons. It's probably personal. A bully is another matter. They'll make you a target. Someone that is abusive in a relationship might not mean to do it. But a bully can talk down on you, mock you, act like they're superior and take pleasure in your misery and suffering. And actually even say it. If someone is abusive and knows the reasons and avoids assumptions, you can turn that situation around. A bully pretending to know you when they don't? Doomed to end badly due to misinformation and lack of communication. Getting them to talk with you without giving "blank" statements can be an art form. Sometimes you kind of have to put them on the spot. "This is the situation. Here's why it happened. You ARE responsible too." What you call "shifting blame" could simply be "We're both why we caused this".

Someone that complains about how manipulative you are can be the same person dodging every topic. If you go "Uh, ok" or give other "short" responses when someone tries to engage with you, are you yourself doing the very same thing you don't want done to you?

People that claim you can't be fun withhold affection. Only to later find out THEY have fun once they actually give that. Despite any past complaints. Golden opportunity to ask if they wanted it to take that long. And point out it can happen quickly when they let you engage with them instead of waiting half a year. Focus on the positives. But it has to be a hook for them too. Incentive is what drives us all. Us that "against" them. But in a beneficial way. This is manipulation. But it can be honest and upfront. manipulation isn't lies and deceit, that's a misnomer. It's only often mistakenly used in that manner due to people struggling with communication. Silence of course can be misinterpreted as intended lies and deceit when it can easily be a case of fearing speaking up.

People that pretend not to care and be indifferent end up missing you. In situations like this, all you can really do is point out the contradictions.

Isolation can be being afraid to be near you. Of being hurt or hurting you. Either or both. If it gets to this point they may well be abusing themselves. Self blame, fear of the self. etc. Why is that fear there though? Could it be because of you? You CAN save someone from what they are IF you know how. I do it all the time, I used to even help people in various situations, suicidal ones included. People with anxiety hate themselves for a reason. There's technical details but let's boil it down to mistrusting too easily. Irrational fear. "Fear itself" is often what complicates situations. Which becomes difficult to get a handle on the further you are in an unhealthy relationship. It's not impossible, no matter how bad a situation is, but you have to convince the other person how counter productive they're making things. This applies to people that can be "too nice" as well as toxic people. Both can be dangerous. Only by focusing on facts, logic and truth can there be honesty and trust. Only in leading by the example will they follow it. For example, someone might threaten you, but maybe you crack a morbid joke and turn the situation around. It takes away their power and can lead to fun more easily. Respond in a negative manner and it only serves to fuel their own negativity (and vice versa).

If you hurt them somehow, which you have if it's a toxic relationship, they might want to hurt you back. Or maybe they don't want too which is why they hurt you more. Wherever intended abuse is a good or a bad thing depends on a number of factors (long story short, honesty has to remain intact for it to go well at all). In this case it seems bad/unhealthy due to lack of communication. But again, if someone is feeling down and makes comments about killing themselves then I'm as concerned for their safety as much as yours. What EXACTLY happened to cause these unpleasant/hostile/fearful feelings? If you go "shifting blame" when someone is in that situation, regardless of what they're doing or how evil they are, I'm wondering if you have a hand in that situation being present in the first place. It's called responsibility. You don't want someone to actually shoot themselves (as situation I've been in) before you make it about responsibility instead of blame. Yes. maybe they're blaming you. For whatever reasons, which likely stems from fear. But if you make it about "shifting blame" so will they. I find a better way to go about it is "Who did what and why". Sometimes people can be stubborn and you need to "backtrack" a bit to find the source/root of why a unhealthy situation happened in the first place (and I'm pointing out trying to avoid blame/responsibility is often why. But facts are facts). The spark/root so to speak.

Beyond that my only concern is that a bad experience will fuel your own mistrust which causes you to project the fear of past events onto others without meaning too. This in turn can lead to creating your own mistrust irrationally (fearing the worst of a situation instead of thinking of anything positive). Something to keep in mind. You could end up seeing only what you want to see instead of what people are actually like.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2020

Another insightful post and one everyone should read !
Firstly, loving and more importantly accepting yourself is important, looks fade, bodies change, but remember the joy and beauty of any gift is what’s inside the box, not the glitzy packaging!!

Secondly, The head, heart or genitalia work together to ignore red flags, because one or the other is just accepting a need at a base level !!
The gut instinct is far more reliable! It’s a defence that saved everyone from primeval times onwards but as with many things as we developed we gave more credence to the other three! Why ? Because as we developed we “knew” better. Yeh right .......not !
Thirdly, everything that has happened in our life gives us lessons and knowledge, it’s just how we choose to use it that shapes us !

Stay safe
Stay well
Be yourself
Be happy

Tartarus​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2020

Great post and very insightful.

I don't think it matters how you class yourself D/s, I think most of us can all relate to at least one of the flags you’ve raised if not more, I know I can and the trouble most people have is firstly seeing and understanding the abuse and secondly being strong enough to break the cycle of abuse for the reasons you mention.

If you feel that you are being abused please have the self respect to break the cycle there is help out there, even if all you do is talk to someone you trust, it can really help you out in gaining perspective.

This is a great article:-

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

Some helpful sites.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
https://www.centerforpreventionofabuse.org/i-need-help-for-someone-else/helping-abusers/

Mark nw london uk​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2020

dang !! Girl, You described my repugnant emotionally cold and distant sister and her woman beating tantrum having multiple rapist husband . Fortunately i had no idea of this until my poor (drunken) niece [35] phoned me friday night and spilled the dirty secrets she was forbidden to tell as a kid. I always hated my sister and can't stand my brother-in-law.

I love my niece , she's my baby.
I have witnessed some of this for myself (and suffered similar in a V-relationship). It is amazing and shocking how shitty people can be.
In this community we know a lot of things and do a fair few more, at least we should have 'consent' and communication and respect, trust. love n cuddles.

LordofPain56 • Sep 7, 2020

I never liked the way people would get into relationships (seemingly willy-nilly to me) without actually getting to know the other person honestly. They'd get together, fall in love (or lust) then sometime down the road there would be a major blowup and breakup with mental scars.
Very in-efficient and in-effective.
So at my first attempt at dating some 40 or so years ago, I sat down and wrote a "personal inventory" of all my characteristics (good and bad, honestly). I wrote down my work ethic and normal working hours, personal habits (good and bad), my overall lifestyle, hopes and dreams for the future, including where I eventually wanted to live and how I would live and work. I wrote down my religious, political beliefs and philosophy of life. I wrote about the type of girl I wanted to be with and how I would interact with her, how I would treat her and division of responsibilities between us (which were negotiable). Mostly all personal things that I would share only with a prospective significant other.
This list of things I called a "covenant" which I would submit to someone I was interested in and I would ask her to also write one of her own and submit it to me (honestly).
In this way, I believed we could iron out all the likes and dislikes and identify any "deal-breakers" (deal-breakers would prohibit a relationship from ever forming). If she found things that she didn't like, but could live with, we could work it out and come to a final agreement.
Over the 40 or so years, that list has been submitted to different people 3 times, only one of whom claimed to have accepted it. It took a whole lifetime to get one person to accept me for who and what I am. I will grant you this is mostly about compatibility, but you should be able to pick out characteristics in an honest list if someone is an abuser, control freak, or psychopath.
I find most people don't want all this information overload at the beginning. They'd rather take their chances and see where the cards fall, without realizing that consequences later on could be painful and mesmerizing.