Abuse, where is the line?

Abuse, where is the line?

MR B​(dom male) • Oct 7, 2020

To those outside the lifestyle, much of what is done within a BDSM relationship can be seen as abuse, right down to the words we use and the way we act. So where is the line? Is a Dom ever safe from being accused of domestic abuse?

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 7, 2020

Nope. Be very careful. Don't have kids. You will for sure lose them in a custody battle.

Redamancy • Oct 7, 2020

This is a tricky topic as there are so many facets to discuss. In a real d/s relationship I wouldn't see why the dom should be fearful of domestic abuse accusations. The sub needs the dom, the dom needs the sub, limits have been set, maybe even a contract as a safety net. Under that circumstance if the relationship ends, it would not be because of the d/s dynamic, it would be due to something else. But unfortunately there are always vindictive people out there looking to place blame on predominantly masculine, dominant men. And if not vindictive, maybe just curious and got in over their heads and then felt ashamed. There are so many scenarios to evaluate but really the take away is, in my opinion, to always have in writing an agreement This could be as unprofessional as text messages, voice consent, or even a contract. You can never be too cautious and if you are a true d/s you would understand why a potential partner would want a documented agreement.

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 7, 2020

In court such agreements mean exactly nothing.

Exquisite​(sub female) • Oct 7, 2020

Hi Sir in my opinion “the proverbial line” is crossed when the Dom and/or Master does not arm his self with a binding contract with sub that is witnessed and signed by a notary. It may sound cold, however, we live in a society that the mentality is “if you bruise, hit, leave a mark (besides a hickey), verbally humiliate, etc it’s considered a form of abuse. This contract once signed and stamped is your out. The “word play” within your contract is the key. Use the word “Consensual” consistently.

Also, again in my opinion, the line is crossed when a Dom refuses to stop when his sub has safe word, when he decide to “test limits” without the consent of his sub, when he don’t communicate the different “tools” he plan to use during a scene to his sub prior to using them.

Within this lifestyle “communication” is key from the beginning to the very end!

Your last question “Is a Dom ever safe from being accused of Domestic Violence?
Absolutely not!! Being a Dom overflows with responsibilities not only for oneself but for the sub well being, the place you choose to scene in or play in and most importantly the sub you choose, amongst many other responsibilities I did not list.

Just remember to communicate fully and completely

Zhivago • Oct 12, 2020

On Oct. 9th we had a lawyer come and speak to our group. She flat out said that we should be scared. (And she is kink friendly). Consensual violence when it comes to sexual situations is not legal in the state of Texas. (Although it is when it comes to sports). There are even new laws enacted in 2006 concerning suffocation. A ball gag fits the term of suffocation. A rope mark does too. If the cops show up for bdsm situations or at the hospital, they are not looking for the truth, they are looking to send someone to jail (usually the dominant)..... and she said the present waiting time for a trial is about 2 years.

Miki • Oct 12, 2020

It's "illegal" in a lot of places. A sexual D/S agreement simply has to be on the hush. Each must be ready to trust the other.

Example: More than a few guys have seen me bare ass naked. They can ruin me, but have assured me they won't. I trust them

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 13, 2020

Not a lawyer, but have to deal with a lot of business contracts at work and one simple thing to remember is a contract is void if the terms are illegal. Slavery is illegal; therefore any master/slave contract will not hold up.

Zhivago • Oct 13, 2020

But it's not between the two people. It's the state against the individuals.
Both people can say "no crime has been committed", but the cops fill out a form from the state. The state files and prosecutes the charges. It doesn't matter if it is consensual between the two people. This is even if the two know they are participating in something that the state considers to be illegal.
There is another type of crime, where there is a charge even if the person has no knowledge that it is illegal. For example, a local guy was on "seeking arrangement". A female he met on there said she was 21. The website requires people to be at least 18 to sign up. The girl signed up.....and illegally used her mom's credit card for a membership. They met, he asked her for ID. She showed him a fake driver's license showing she was over 21. They got a hotel room and had sex. She later went to the cops. She was not of legal age. He's now sitting in jail waiting trial for pedophilia. He had no idea and did everything he could to vet her, yet he committed the crime so he is going to jail for a long time.

Bunnie • Oct 13, 2020

Abuse:
“An act of abuse is defined as an act resulting in: physical injury; emotional or psychological harm; an unreasonable and non-consensual denial of financial, social or personal autonomy; damage to property in the ownership or possession of the person or used or otherwise enjoyed by the person.”

I think the definition of abuse is pretty straight forward... even to us who walk in these realms. A definition however, doesn’t define where our individual interpretations of, or levels of tolerance for abuse, lay. I think that’s where the grey areas lurk.

Even if we do work towards defining abuse in more of a crystal clear-cut way, it can never keep someone safe from accusations... I don't really even see the two as being that directly related.

Accusations can occur for any number of reasons... ranging from truth through to revenge. You can have contracts or agreements coming out of both ears... but if someone is intent on exacting revenge, unfortunately, society is on their side automatically... and with good reason. As much as it sucks... statistics do tell us we should be wary. A sad truth is that abuse is very prevalent in our society... the problem (as is always the case) is that it has been given a “face.” That “face” is what makes people believe that we (especially men) are all seeking abusive relationships if we’re into BDSM.

So ultimately, what it comes down to is trust. We simply put our lives in each other’s hands and hope beyond all hope that the people we choose to interact with have as much honour and integrity towards us as we give them... especially when things end.