The end

The end

shortylotus​(dom female){ValueDom} • Nov 16, 2020

How does one move past the ending of a d/s relationship when you have been betrayed? How do you stop the hate and resentment so you can move forward?

DaddiesPumpkin​(switch female){Not Lookin} • Nov 16, 2020

Hi.

I'd like to just share this with you. Solely based on my own opinion... Things end to make way for new beginnings.

That's with anything in life, really. Friendships, relationships & dynamics.

Being betrayed is awful. If this is what has happened to you, I'm sorry. I think most of us here can relate to that in ways...

Stopping the hate and resentment that you're feeling due to such betrayal may seem impossible. But, trust me.. It isn't. It all just takes time. Time to let go, find yourself & move forward. Nothing happens overnight, no matter how many stars you wish upon..sadly.

All in all,
I hope that if this is something you're personally dealing with that you're able to heal from it & see the worth within yourself to move on and let go.

Wishing you well

~Kore

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 17, 2020

It's simple. I don't give up. There is no end.

You don't actually stop being in a relationship when there's a misunderstanding and you're told to get out of someones life. If you can keep them talking and have them at least "be there" then you're still trying to understand each other. Still trying to find a way to work things out. Even if you tell yourself otherwise. Even if you delude yourself that you don't care when the truth is you're still there.

No one actually moves on. That's just something people tell themselves to make themselves feel better. It's all still THERE. Even with distance and silence. You just find it more convenient to "forget". This is why people turn to things like drinking.

I face that pain. Head on. I face that fear. Staring at the cars headlights. Sure, I'll get run over. But then I pick myself back up. Instantly. I'm like a spring. BOING! You can push my back up against a wall, tell me to get out of your life, toss judgemental abusive laughter in my face, threaten me with knives, it just doesn't matter. I mean it matters, obviously. But my response to each and every of these situations is always the same.

Making it about their concerns. Calmly addressing it. Saying they don't understand when they act like they're knowing better (and asking why they believe that) and doing as I'm told, provided it doesn't result in deaf ears and turned backs. It also helps when I've proven I can get results a thousand times over and that my observations are accurate when I make them. Logic that leaves no room for misinterpretation (avoid ANY and ALL blank carpet statements. Be SPECIFIC and OPEN MINDED) and proof. Always with honesty.

It might be "your relationship". But some things just work. There is a right way to do things. But it can't be about moral high grounds. It's your RESPONSE to a situation that determines the outcome.

Which is exactly why I never give up on people. They might give up on me, but I got logic on my side. "You don't understand. I'm not the person you think I am. Here's why." Do that and you can keep building up.

Give up? Move on? Weak. Yes, I am saying it is weak. Your inability to handle it. Unless they never come back after fleeing in fear. I was weak once. Gave up on myself. How we treat others is how we treat ourselves in the end. I won't give up on them. No matter what they do. No matter how much they hurt me.

Which is exactly why they'll never cut off contact with me again. Every other situation can be handled and worked out. But it's ONLY possible with PRESENCE. Absence leads to apathy, unresolved situations, not knowing what to do about them (which will affect others due to lack of ability) and even insanity. People forget this in the heat of the moment. Let their emotions do the deciding. People lose themselves in blind emotions. But this is the logic. This is what could happen when you push someone away when you're afraid instead of trying to understand each other.

So consider things VERY carefully before deciding anything. That "seemingly obsessed and clingy person" might not be if you just treated them better. It takes two to argue. And as I said before, how you treat others is how you treat yourself in the end. Treat someone like they matter and they'll be able to do the same with you. It's ok if you struggle. But don't even try at all? You might want them to change but GIVE someone a reason too. You get a lot less worrying and a lot more space when my needs are met. Which you might have had concerns about but are forced to admit you enjoy despite having a closed mind previously

It's all about pushing past that closed mind. Asking why. finding the reasons. And if someone gives me a bullshit "Feelings" statement and say "no reason" or "It's not important", that's the point my observation kicks in. I know the reasons. I point them out. You have no choice but to agree because the logic adds up. You tell me yourself. I show I have a brain. Yea, you hate my guts. But you love me for that. And if you got careless when I warned you beforehand then you have to trust in my observations.

In a sense, I force people to trust my judgement. I have too. This warning. That danger. Here's where we had fun and can again. You ARE forcing a relationship when you do that. But does that have to be a bad thing? It simply works. Concerns don't go away by "waiting for magical feelings to happen". ACTION changes events. So anyone saying you can't force a relationship after countless people found out the hard way you have too after being in one... If it doesn't happen sooner, it happens later.

This leads to people going "It's not worth the effort". But WHAT effort? You just told me you've been lazy and holding back with me. And that we have more fun when you get your ass in gear. If you came back to me we could keep the fun times rolling if you weren't being evasive and difficult on purpose like you just admitted. Got ya. I have to make it about them of course but it's got to work BOTH ways.

This leaves the concern of "guilt tripping". But your feelings are your own. I can't change fact or logic any more then you can. If I do something and feel bad then I fess up. So do the same if you hurt me. Accept the situation for what it is. Find a way to do something about it in agreement. Not "my way alone". Not "your way alone" either. But find a way to work things out together.

"Done with you and goodbye because I see the worst of you" is not an agreement. You can do that, no one's stopping you. But then what? yea yea, you're happy with others. Wait, you miss me? And now we're doing things and having fun?

... Here's the question. Why didn't you let me do that instantly, right away, in the past? Instead of assuming it can't work when I clearly prove it does. It doesn't have to take half a year to show you I can get us to have a good time.

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Nov 17, 2020

"Which is exactly why I never give up on people. They might give up on me, but I got logic on my side. "You don't understand. I'm not the person you think I am. Here's why. Do that and you can keep building up".

Do that in real life and you are building up a good case for a restraining order.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 17, 2020

@ElizaEmma: I do do it in real life. Your assumptions (and your fear) is your own.

There are times that conversation had to be had of course. But just because you WANT something doesn't mean you're ENTITLED to it. The logic works both ways of course. It's more about "Do you really think I'm that person that will hurt you". You HAVE to talk to someone to GET AN ANSWER.

This is like explaining what 1+1 is to a five year old. Please tell me you have more of a brain then this. Then jumping to "the worst possible conclusion" and accepting it as "the one truth". But so far you've only proven my point. That people assume too much stupid shit. And I think that bothers YOU as much as it bothers me. What example then does it set when you do it? Hmph.

If someone tells me to shut up, give them space or leave them alone then I do that. But they have to TELL me. And those same people also COME to me.

Now, with all due respect, kindly stop implying I'm the "worst person ever". It is NOT appreciated.

And this above all else is what I put a complete and total stop too. Assumptions. Anyone in a healthy relationship will NOT stand for them. Because people that assume too much shit hurt each other. That's why people will ditch you like a rock if you do it.

But challenge them? Talk about the truth and honesty and being opened minded? They'll love you for that. Even if you have to work past a lot of hate and abuse to get there. And I'M the one that gets the flack. I could be filing charges for abuse. But I don't. Frankly, I refuse to hide behind daddy and I can defend myself. And I make damn sure the people I engage with can do the same. They won't do it for me. They'll do it because they won't want to be weak and incapable. There's a reason I get someone out of a cage. I might call them weak for putting themselves in it. But I WALK AWAY after telling them they're wallowing in despair. Which then gets them to walk out with their own two legs.

I call them weak. But it gets them out of a rut. Before focusing on "sunshine and rainbows" (which is, frankly, unrealistic) first establish what the lesser of two evils is in a situation. Then work up from there. Personally, I used to mute and remain silent. Which is the WORST thing you can do. Even the law won't save you from that. I don't need the answers. THEY do. I do too for that matter.

Simply put: Answers is the only thing that's going to keep you sane when shit gets that bad. If shit gets that bad you want to know why.

Miki • Nov 17, 2020

Betrayal is worse than a relationship just flaming out. It's its own kind of shit pile. Stopping the hate, resentment and anger is not something connected to a light switch. As already said above, it takes time.

New beginnings tend to dull that down a bit more quickly, but be well advised, skip the "rebound" part of the cycle. Let time pass, deal with the emotions as constructively as possible, and don't jump into anything on short knowledge no matter how much time passes.

Therein lies the risk of stepping out of a pile of steaming dog shit by sticking a foot out and stepping instead into a deep puddle of cat piss. Different stuff, same result.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 17, 2020

I overlooked this. Alright, so first... If someone did something that you don't like it doesn't mean they betrayed you. For example, if you never so much as discussed "seeing others" then it's not actually a betrayal if someone "seems to cheat". And even cheating isn't as simple as "urges". People might not even know what poly is when that happens. It can get rather complicated. If you THINK someone betrayed you, or even if they actually did, there's only one question that will save you.

"Why?"

Situations can seem black and white as well. Like it has to be option A or option B. Consider what Batman does. Make option C happen instead. You don't HAVE to choose. Make your own decision. If someone doesn't like that, tough. Like I said before, you're not entitled.

But will I be here for you regardless? Even if you pushed me away and thought otherwise?

Gee. No wonder people feel like they can't win. They can only be there for you if you let them, you know.

MrFulmen • Nov 17, 2020

Think of an interest of yours that you didn't get to explore during the relationship. Maybe you wanted to learn to play music but never found time in between arguing with your partner. Maybe you love the outdoors but your partner wasn't outdoorsy. Maybe you've been thinking about writing a book, or learning to do your own wrenching on your car, or becoming a more engaged citizen (Georgia runoffs are coming up!).

Find some passion of yours that wasn't getting attention while you were in the relationship, and give it to yourself. Devote yourself to it for a while. Pour your time and attention into learning it, exploring it, and enjoying it.

You might have to make yourself do it at first, because your mind is still wrapped up in the relationship, chewing on old hurts, and you're so used to giving all your attention to the relationship that it feels like it's the only real thing in the world. But if you push yourself to engage with something that you really care about, you'll find that very quickly your focus will shift.

Because that relationship isn't really your whole world. You have meaningful, fascinating, important things that you care about and that matter to you. You have the capacity to be fulfilled and happy in and of yourself. You just have to remind your brain of that.

So instead of trying to stop obsessing over the relationship, *start* focusing on something else. It's straightforward, and it works.

Re: The end

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 17, 2020

For me it helps to step (sometimes way) back and look at the big picture. Looking at the definition of "betrayal," it is a violation of ones confidence or trust. i think everyone has been on both sides of that coin on some level, one time or another. i think we are all both betrayed and betrayer. Which is not to suggest betrayal is okeedokee, but that it is a common, and not so shocking phenomena.

A few things to me that make betrayal harder to deal with are the size of it and whether or not the offender owns it and apologizes.

The first one? Size matters. For me, the more trust or confidence betrayed, the harder the blow. The 'biggest' for me is when i still love a person and feel that bond or connection. It's sort of like being tethered to someone who is kicking you. Sort of. Emotional kicks are different than physical. i think the biggest difference between physical and emotional 'kicks' is the first is delivered by the offender, but distance can prevent repeated blows. The emotional "kick?" We can relive those over and over no mater the distance, we carry it with us and use it to kick ourselves over and over sometimes. It can be complicated.

The thing that helps me most with the emotional pain, the "over and over" reliving of the offense, goes back to my original point of we all betray. That gives me perspective. i try to understand myself and others. Putting myself in the same boat as my betrayer helps. i may never have betrayed in the same way as them, but that doesn't necessarily make one persons betrayal superior to anothers. i don't expect to be able to stop my pain, hurt, but the "hate and resentment" are usually at least buffered for me with understanding. It's not denial, that is silly i think. It's more: "that was a fucking asshole thing to do, fucker." but on the other hand, it helps me to say, i can relate to having been a fucking asshole at one point or another. It makes it harder to be quite as offended. That's big picture for me.

To me, the keys to this type thing is honesty, openness, ownership, apology and forgiveness. i enter relationship expecting to be offended, over and over. And i assume i will offend over and over. If both parties get this upfront, i think it's easier to exercise grace ongoing when the fuck ups occur.

idk if any of this helps, it's not meant as advice or authority on the subject. Just sharing stuff that i apply in my own life.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Nov 17, 2020

I agree, step far enough back that what you think or feel is no longer a reflection of what they wanted you to think or feel. To where you can hear your own voice again. Then listen to yourself.

When I was betrayed, I had to step far enough back to where I could see that I was indeed betrayed, and not feeding into the excuses I was being fed. To where I could see clearly what I actually felt about it. No more trying to paint them in a good light for the sake of forgiveness they did not even want.

I often times find the inability to forgive is your own mind telling you something is wrong. The dissonance in your own head because you are trying to convince yourself something you don't believe. It is much easier to forgive when you understand. For me, it was realizing that was a shit move from a shit person, instead of "I understand what he is trying to say" I didn't, I dont and that makes no sense. So now I have moved on for the right reasons and my mind is at peace.