Online Vs Real

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jan 2, 2021

At the risk of poking a slumbering giant zombie of a discussion that just doesn't go away...

(I've always been a trouble maker)

This topic has come around more times than ... than .... something that comes around a lot. I wrote a blog post about this very subject and the central thesis is that the two cases are in fact different beasts. A part of the blog is reproduced below but the full entry can be found here:

Online D/s Relationships: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=34686&blog_id=12718

Online D/s Relationships – Why do it?

A question that has arisen in the forum boards more times than I wish to count is that of Online versus Real Life relationships. There can be no doubt that both have their ardent supporters and unfortunately the debate sometimes descends into unhelpful ‘ugh, I could never do that’. There is an assumption by some that the Online type are somewhat ‘second class’ since they obviously lack physical sex … I mean, who would not have physical sex and intimacy if they could? There is also a claim that Online D/s is somehow ‘fake’ where people just ‘act out’. A whole range of people do Online D/s for different reasons and all of these reasons are entirely valid for them. Aside from this though, I want to make the argument that the very restrictions inherent in Online D/s make it a fantastic training ground for relationship skills that are needed in every situation.

Can a D/s relationship work online? Yes, absolutely. It can be highly rewarding and very thought provoking. Is it for everyone? Probably not. Is it the same as a real life connection? No. There are some similarities but it is best to think of it as a different beast within which you can explore your D or s side.

Liliac​(sub female) • Jan 2, 2021

Each to its own. People search out BDSM for different purposes. Some only for play and some fall in love along the way. No matter what, it's up to the person what kind of communication form that he or she wants. I can only give an anecdotal example which is me. In my case, I have never thought of myself a strictly online or real person. Started out this journey as online but then ended up meeting my Dom. For me, that changed my perspective for a lot of things cause I fell in love. Now because of Covid, we are forced to be online. And it has been hard. I struggle with it. It's not even about the physical sex. It's about the small little touches, the feeling when you submit finally in body and mind. But not to say, online is not real. It is very real. Communication has never been so important. You have to put in a lot of work because you will not able to see the cues from the other person. But if you ask would I go back to online strictly now that I have experienced real? The answer is hell no. I would slay a dragon to have his touch again.

Maxorde{Not lookin} • Jan 2, 2021

Online is a wonderful way to start, I think. Find out if there IS any chemistry, find out some of their quirks and see if you are genuinely interested in that particular person. Time lines can vary wildly dependent on the parties involved. I personally prefer online first to move past that ‘honeymoon’ phase and find out if they’re serious enough about it to put in the time and effort to make online work.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 3, 2021

As online and internet connections become more plentiful more and more people are experiencing some type of relating in this way. To those people, this is a great thing for a few reasons.

-It's convenient.

-You have total control over making eye contact. Just look at how many photos there are of one body part, a mouth, one eye, or a person looking away. If you can't face a camera lens- I have no faith that you could look me in the eye.

-It removes the distance issues of real-time.

-It provides a great distraction and a little spice to an otherwise uneventful life.

-It can expose you to aspects of this life quickly and easily. (dare I say cheaply because you have to invest almost nothing. And Grandmother always said, buy cheap, buy often.)

-It can push a lot of buttons you didn't even know you had, much less ever had pushed before.

-There is far less physical risk of meeting real-time. I say physical because many have been emotionally hurt.

-It can be done privately, secretly, and easily. I repeat... privately - secretly - easily.

-If you are a disingenuous person you can pretend to have done what you were asked to do without ever stepping out of your slippers. And THAT happens a lot. (you know who you are)

-Introverts don't have to navigate crowds of people on a daily basis.

-Hyper focused people can really pinpoint their interest without competition from the real world.

-Hyper intellectual people can theorize, hypothesize, and extrapolate to their heart's content and impress the hell out of others without ever actually having to do any of it in real-time.

-And those who are good writers and wordsmiths, are in their element here. Fantasy or fiction with a smattering of reality. They got this nailed.

But the biggest appeal to this.
--You can pretend to be anything or anyone you want to be.
--You can win every argument with a few dictionary definitions and cut and paste whatever part of the other person’s comments you want to dissect.
--You can make up an entirely fake persona (some have multiple ones)
--You can do it in your jammies, unwashed, with photos that look nothing like you.
--And when you don't want to do it any longer you simply unplug.

And just as our spelling skills have been reduced due to spellcheck (God I love spell check & Grammarly) so too are our interpersonal skills reduced by this medium. Sitting across from someone you spent all your time getting to know online, takes some adjusting to just talk.

If you look at human development, what we know for sure is mammals are herding creatures. We instinctively seek out others to be close to. If that is as a couple, a triad or more is not relevant. The fact that someone is content with online-only means they have 'others' who feed their herding instincts.

For some that is a spouse, or gf/bf. Some are antisocial or sociopathic. Yes we got a good number of that on line as well.

Point is, it is not the same as real-time and never will be. And the more vehemently someone argues otherwise the more they have to lose when that illusion is broken.

Personally, I couldn't care less how many people engage with online, on phone, on KIK relationships. But I do care when it's sold as equal or greater to real-time human interaction.

THAT is not how mentally and emotionally healthy mammals roll.

H*

Devotedsub​(sub female){His} • Jan 5, 2021

I agree with DomJayy. When done correctly, online can be incredible. A connection forms and I believe you must communicate more online.. You're forced to. Irl of course is always best, but online can be just as fulfilling. Honestly , it depends on the relationship.

FirmbutGentle​(dom male) • Jan 5, 2021

I definitely know where you are coming from. I think online interactions can be so whimsical, unsubstantial and vacuous. It's also easy to blow someone off just being online. In my time on this site I have had many wonderful talks/conversations with many sub ladies, some of them really great, insightful and informative about my thoughts on D/s and why it turns both men and women on so much. But because of the very often distance issue, if they're more than 1-2 states away, these conversations often evaporate after some time and no effort to try and meet up IRL ever happens.

Someone earlier mentioned- yes, the connection can happen first online. But if you want it to be something more than an erotic experience on your computer or app phone, at some point you have to be willing to take a calculated risk and give that potential partner the benefit of the doubt, to at the very least just meet up for a patio coffee talk (given the COVID restrictions which makes IRL interactions that much more difficult) and just be open to see where things might go. And if you don't jive, let it go and move on.
Online only- yes as another dom said- the intensity of the emotions can make it very exhausting and taxing, and never truly fulfilling or satisfying. I need that touch, and to be able to hold someone. Not linger on some website indefinitely into my old age.

DrWakko • Jan 5, 2021

Reading a lot of these comments I think some definitions need to be cleared up.

To me an online relationship is one that is online with no plans of making it a real life relationship.

To me it doesn’t matter the how you met your partner or that you talked online for a few months before meeting. The point is you met. So that could be an ldr or you two live in the same town.

Before the age of the internet you either had to know someone who was part of a Bdsm community or buy special papers with a kink dating section where you would send a self addressed stamped envelope to an address and hope the message got forwarded to the person and that they wrote back. This has evolved to the modern day dating site.

It doesn’t matter if it’s from an app or in person. The point is that you met.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 6, 2021

dollMaker{SaViDa}

"This individual is well know for their disrespectful and rude views regarding online, words such as 'bullshit', 'dungeons and dragons', 'fantasy' and 'delusional', have been used in the past. In my opinion you are wasting your time trying to engage, done that, got the wounds, never again. Their world view is unshakable that they are right and the rest of us are wrong."
..........
Doll you sure do spend a lot of time decrying that anyone who disagrees with you is a) disrespectful and b) rude to the rest of you.

Bulletin: You DO NOT speak for everyone else. Nor do you garner more authenticity by pretending that you do. Enough already.

"D/s can be done online just as it can in the physical world. How do I know, because I have done both."
...........
You only know that for you both worked. You only know you got something out of it, but that says nothing for those it doesn't work for. Or any of your exes. You do the same thing as those who disavow online relationships. You sell them as the exact same experience which is not possible. Face to face humans are not the same as phone to phone voices or image to image virtual meetings. So please take your own aggression and rudeness and buzz off.

good grief!

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 6, 2021

CaringDomOnlineLtp​

"For some of us, online is the only outlet we have, as our life circumstances and society in general may force us to closer our nature. I’m glad it exists. I’m sorry for those who can’t seem to get the same thrill out of it, but for someone inexperienced and circumstantially limited IRL, online Dom is a true godsend."

..................

I think it is fair to say that not everyone can re-order their life to go real time. And certainly this alternate is better than none. In fact, I think many who come to this online first will explore and experience some level of it online. Or on the phone etc.

No one can tell you how far out on that limb you should go. That is a personal choice. I will say that once you develop an appetite for this it will be harder to accept more vanilla things.
And really, there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. Just be aware.

We can enjoy something AND still recognize that it isn't the same as another version of that thing. It's those who are so brittle that they can't allow it to be different because they are desperate to sell everyone on their way being the best way.

Personalities, extroversion & Introversion, culture, locale and relationship status will all contribute to what you choose for yourself. I would only suggest that you find a partner in a similar situation so that you both know what the limitations are.

H*

lizh​(sub female) • Mar 18, 2021

This is so true.