Consensual Psychological Play?

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 5, 2021

Kelpi said, "Messing with someone's mind is not a good thing but when they want it and need it well that is a matter best left to those who know the game."
...........

Knowing the game isn't even informative. People agree to edgeplay but some don't fully understand thus there is no informed consent. And they don't know how to determine if the other is skilled with what they propose to do.

In the past, those who engaged in edge play were known. They had many who watched them play at dungeons. They taught classes. They had studied under others who were Masters at that skill and they taught skills for it at events.

People approach and say, I am Mater so n so and I ask, "What have you mastered?" To me the title has meaning. You don't just give it to yourself nor have you earned it when someone in the throes of pain or pleasure calls you that. It is a much larger thing. So when I ask and they can't answer it is obvious they are using a word without knowing where it came from.

When people discuss edge play, which is what this is, who vets them as competent? No one. And when someone gets hurt, heaven forbid anyone suggests that the injured party have had done research on their own before agreeing.

If someone said, "I've had my driver's license ten minutes let's go drive on the highway in rush hour traffic," you'd pause.
If they said, "I've always had a fantasy to drive the highway in rush hour traffic." You would not lend them your car.

Yet in these things, people discuss like everyone into has any body of skill at all. The further onto that edge you go, the greater your skills and knowledge need to be.

Between people messing with the minds of others and the rampant number of people with phobias and triggers now in the life, you have to proceed cautiously. It isn't a theoretical discussion. You can do real harm here.

And for those who do not play publicly or care to learn from more knowledgeable teachers, it is simple. Some things require learning and study. You can experiment with it, and play around but you and your partner run a great risk that way. And if you hurt someone it is your ass the police want. Not all outcomes can be washed away by calling an act consensual.

The bottom line is somethings take time and if you won't put the time in, you don't get to do that thing. Experience and investment matter. And when you are unwilling to work at those then concepts that fall into edgeplay should not be where you start.

MstressWhipplash​(dom female) • Mar 5, 2021

Consent

Mutual consent and Risk Aware Consential Kink (Rack) means those involved clearly define what is not viable and what is. I also discuss the "What if" scenarios to discuss ways to calm that person.

I also define CNC time with a start phrase and a stop phrase so my E (my live in Property) knows when CNC has ended and when the cuddles start.

It important that if both mutually consent a stop word and start word are mutually agreed so the minds can compartmentise what's going on. This way there is no long term trauma.

I believe being in a long term relationship and knowing each other at least 3 years live in means Aftercare can be periodically given at odd times to close down issues from CNC time (Consent Non Consent)

I believe CNC isn't newbie friendly and I decline to give CNC to a newbie or a person I have not known that length of time romantically where I am in authority over them.


Mistress Whipplash Ma'am

Bella D​(sub female) • Mar 5, 2021

I actually PREFER to play with trauma. It takes a kind and caring dom that understands how my mind is wired and that I can have full trust in that he doesn’t want to hurt me in that way. The time that I’ve been able to play with past hurt, it was so healing. He took a life long issue and made it completely go away because somehow it rewired my brain and fixed the memory behind it. I now look back on the event and can only see the overlay of the replacement fun rather than what used to hurt so much. I still know the truth, of course. But that doesn’t serve my mental health, so I choose to believe the lie instead. Even with much smaller things, playing with things that scare me or stress me out allows me to face the things in reality that are difficult with a lot more confidence.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Mar 5, 2021

One could argue that all power exchange is the kind of mental manipulation you're talking about. Speaking for myself, my dominant does have my mind. He has everything, heart, soul--everything. He does manipulate my mind. He does it for the good. I'm pretty sure that's what everyone is talking about when they say the dominant guides the submissive to be the best version of themselves. They use behavioral modification, influence, sensory stimuli, and other methods to do it, but it's still psychological manipulation. There's a high degree of trust involved, but when power exchange is given totally, it really is given TOTALLY. My dominant has complete control even over my bodily reactions to the point where internal safety mechanisms are switched off because they've been transferred to him. Total power exchange means TOTAL, but it's done for the submissive's benefit, not for degradation or a mind fuck, either figurative or literal.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 5, 2021

Bella D​(sub female)
"I actually PREFER to play with trauma. It takes a kind and caring dom that understands how my mind is wired and that I can have full trust in that he doesn’t want to hurt me in that way."

(Trauma is not something to play at. There are plenty of academic resources to support that. And if you have to keep playing with trauma it has not left you. You can recover from trauma and still have the fun. But play will not remove the trauma. Case in point is you still refer to it as such.)

"The time that I’ve been able to play with past hurt, it was so healing. He took a life long issue and made it completely go away because somehow it rewired my brain and fixed the memory behind it."

(Read "the human side of human beings" to learn how the brain retains trauma and memories and how once it is imbedded it is not a simple case of overlaying one experience with another. Or we'd all do it 6 times a day.)

"I now look back on the event and can only see the overlay of the replacement fun rather than what used to hurt so much."

(And if a similar hurt came up? Or this trusted dom screwed up? That old trauma would reawaken because it wasn't dealt with, just obscured. This is never a substitute from dealing with trauma with licensed professionals)

"I still know the truth, of course. But that doesn’t serve my mental health, so I choose to believe the lie instead."

(If you know its a lie then the truth is still in there. Here's an example. I had traumas in my past as well. Very big traumas. Now that I've done therapy, the memories are there but in different ways. Now if I am reminded something, i think "oh yea that." it has no tangible energy or control over me. It's like remembering you fell as a kid and hurt your knee. It's barely a memory. So here is no lie or distraction to depend on. Thus by what you describe, your mental health is not safe.)

"Even with much smaller things, playing with things that scare me or stress me out allows me to face the things in reality that are difficult with a lot more confidence."

(I can agree on this to a point. Allowing yourself to be hit or flogged in a scene for example by your choice is within your control can give you a sense of power and reduce fear. You retain the option to shut it down at any point. And I don't care what your agreement, if extreme enough self preservation would make you shut it down. It is the loss of control during real trauma that often has the lingering hurt we struggle with. Many have spoken on or written about the feeling of control and power they had when entering into a scene by choice.)

(There is also a huge difference between playing with things that scare you and stress you out and going back into traumatic situations. Cognitively you may think you are in control of it but that is situational. If in that scene something goes wrong, you cannot be sure you will be able to separate or process what happens with old business that is waiting in the wings.)

(This is my experience, and is based on real time situations I was witness to where things went wrong and spiraled. It's ugly and can take that original trauma and make it even bigger. Do proceed carefully with such things.)

Responses

subfourALPHADOM{not yet - } • Mar 8, 2021

Guys, Gals what have you - I think we all need to be careful when replying to some of these questions. First why are you spending any time here at all.? This is for a segment of Society trying to make the difficult acceptable. Speaking for my self - I've had years of Therapy and worked for a time in recovery and the questions listed here are not always ready to be followed & nor to pronounce on life situations, i WOULD never ALLOW SOME OF THESE BLOG READERS TO WANDER THROUGH MY PRIVATE CHALLENGES, i DON'T BELIEVE THIS BOARD WAS MEANT TO GUIDE YOU with SO MANY UNQUALIFIED PEOPLE KNOWING so LITTLE. and going on and on. It's a pick up site dolled up in pseudo-therapy --- it's just a pick up site.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Mar 8, 2021

@SubtleHush thank you for fighting the good fight. I’ve been skimming things over and considered jumping in but you pretty much covered anything I’d want to add. Lord knows where you get this much energy. Woo! People don’t make it easy. on me

Bluebutterfly​(sub female){Havelock } • Mar 9, 2021

Would reply but the profile doesn’t seem to exist anymore. X

BowieMDPat • Mar 9, 2021

Safe, sane and consensual is obviously important.

But including the mental aspects is important for me, at least. The brain is the biggest sex organ, etc.

A Master can tie me up where I can't physically resist, but how much more powerful for him to know me well enough to mentally "tie me up", as well?

pat

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 9, 2021

Virginie{lcpw}
"@SubtleHush thank you for fighting the good fight. I’ve been skimming things over and considered jumping in but you pretty much covered anything I’d want to add. Lord knows where you get this much energy. (no idea but I do type 100 wpm.)

"Woo! People don’t make it easy. on me" (amen for coffee lol)

Thank you. I'm sure you have value to offer. Some folks need to hear the same thing from different people for it to start to sink in. Never hold yourself back.
..............

subfourALPHADOM{not yet - }
Responses

"It's a pick up site dolled up in pseudo-therapy --- it's just a pick up site."
..........
For YOU it's a pick up site.
It's whatever people need it to be.
And if you've read some of the responses, would you let them pick you up? Of course not.

There are people on these sites who have few resources. If this is the only place they can ask a question, then it's just selfish and lazy to let others with ill intent or outright mental health issues be the only respondents.

I am a big fan of therapy and the last thing we need in this lifestyle are people side-stepping therapy for short cut fixes that will never work.

But that is up to them. In the meantime, any one who can make a reasonable response should at least try.