A question for Mono in a poly relationship

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 14, 2020

Ok, but what if for some reason all those other people go "poof" and that leaves only you left with no one else to turn too?

If nothing else you got to be prepared for that situation. Also, you don't need to bend over backwards to see to every need. Or rather, you might need too at first but you learn to adapt and it becomes much easier with repetition. Provided the right approach is taken.

As for what the "right" approach is, it's being direct with each other. And making sure your partner keeps engaging with you. Also, applies to NONE partners in my book.

I said it straight. If someone wants me to play THEIR game then I need them to make it a point to make it about ME. I need to feel appreciated. "About me. About you. Don't sweat the details right now but that's the deal." Little more to it but that's the gist. Because it's the ONLY way I can make someone feel appreciated back. We have to make it about each other. It doesn't matter if you're "mono" or "poly "or" not even in a relationship". I get ALL of those into looking after me. With me looking after them.

This includes people that turned their backs on me and got me to cry so hard I had cry snot coming out of my nose. I wasn't taken into consideration you see. "Not in a relationship" isn't an excuse to ignore how someone is affected. There's a reason I say people hide behind safe labels when talking about relationships. It just doesn't go "All involved". I am involved. And I never gave up on them. Even when they did with me. That's why we're still here for each other. It's also why we're still fucking. So take that for what it's worth. Can't mono my ass if I never give up on ya. Sure, you can neglect my needs, but then where does that leave us? And YOU don't want that even if you pretended not to care.

... Why are we in bed fucking all of a sudden? Oh, right, because you cared all along. XD

AngelBunny • Nov 14, 2020

I am in a similar situation. I think Bunnie summed it up nicely but here are my two cents. For me, I am monogamous because I am extremely introverted and I don't have the emotional energy for more than one partner. My Master on the other hand is poly and extroverted. It is about loving your partner so much that when you see them happy even with another person, it brings you pleasure. Just like what you have realized, the fear I have surrounding him being poly is my fear of being neglected or abandoned. This stems from my childhood and I have to be mindful of not letting the past affect my relationship with my Master. We have an agreement that he keeps me in the loop whenever he starts talking to another female and if he wants it to evolve past friendship, he will seek my opinion. His hope is to find a third partner that I can have a friendship with and would be comfortable involving in our play. He would even like for us to all live together. He has already proven to me I can trust him and he can balance having more than one partner. Also if I wanted to I could seek out another partner for myself. There are many different types of poly relationships and I think understanding this and coming up with an agreement with your Dom, if you haven't already, would help bring a feeling of security. There are those who hide behind the term poly to justify being selfish but to me, these people are not truly poly. I think having a Dom who is poly, is an opportunity for a lot of self-growth. For me, ultimately I think it is worth the risk.

PS I also agree with Magpie, my Master has a big personality and so many different sides to him that sometimes as an introvert, I find it a little overwhelming and it would be a little bit of a relief to have someone else for him to put his energy toward.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 15, 2020

Two problems with this line of logic.

1: I'm poly but I'm a BIG introvert myself. In fact I hate being out and about and being around too many people at once, unless those other people can "avoid interjecting" when things are happening (privacy is a symptom. SPACE is the concern). It's mainly "1 on 1". I NEED the 1 on 1 the MOST. Despite being poly. Want to make that very clear. And it doesn't HAVE to be emotionally draining. People just make it like that at times because of their OWN concerns (you can admit yours. Good sign). When I approach people the ONLY concern I have is if they assume the worst or not. If they doubt me. If they mistrust easily. I make that my main focus above all else. In other words... I don't doubt myself. I'm not afraid. Worry with reason, not without.

2: That emotional energy you're talking about? The "negative" kind that you fear? That things have to be more of a chore then they might have to be? It often comes from not keeping NONE partners in mind as well as partners. Basically, I think you have other flaws that you need to work on yourself. Mainly it's because of the introvert comment. It indicates you get "anxious" more easily.


As evidenced here. Your comment is true BUT there's a little more to it. For example. If you have fears here what ELSE are you fearing the worst of? What else are you assuming? But that's EXACTLY what it's about. Focus on assumptions. Your own assumptions. What if you're wrong? What if I am? THAT is what it's about. A partner will challenge that. But a NONE partner should also challenge that. Communication can be draining, yes. But tough. Mutual understanding only happens with communication. AFTER that you can kick back and take things easy.

So when you go "emotionally draining and don't have the energy for a partner" what I am hearing is "I don't have the energy for anyone else". You know your partner, yes. But there's a "pattern" to quick and clear communication. Mainly "What you both want". When that's lacking on either side, people become more awkward and concerned which drains both people involved. Therefor, by not making it about what someone else wants (let's use sex as an example. Could as easily be playing a computer game) this could backfire and result in them not being able to focus on "enjoying your interests". This can further lead to being more draining.

For example, someone wanted to play Dark Souls 3 with me. I CAN enjoy that. But they ONLY come to me when they want that. It makes me feel unappreciated. This got me to realise something. That I'VE been doing the same to others. It shouldn't be about me alone. It should be "us". Even if I'm not in a relationship with them. I don't love everyone. But treat everyone like a lover. Without them being the same person of course.

strictlygentle​(dom male){Queen Alex} • Nov 15, 2020

An interesting metaphor, as oil and water can form an emulsion if the appropriate energy is added.

(And water dissolves nearly everything. Oil doesn't mix because it's hydrophobic.)

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 15, 2020

Going to make sure there's no misunderstanding about what Miki means.

Basically, loving someone for their DIFFERENCES. Not being "like you".

There's this story. A deer. With death. The grim reaper. If death touches the deer... The deer dies.

Eventually the deer nuzzles up to death. After so long of being together. It's that "It's my time" moment. Deer dies. Death curls up to the dear. Death is sad.

But they still had a long and happy life together. Now THAT'S oil and water. The deer LITERARY dies on contact.

Makes me think about people with health conditions and they can't touch each other. I've heard stories like that actually. They still make it work.