Sacred or Open?

Sacred or Open?

j prince​(sadist male){J.Prince} • Dec 13, 2020

Would you ever tell anyone outside of the community about your dabbling in the disciplinary, experimental, taboo arts we call a lifestyle? Do your friends and/or family have the trust and acceptance level necessary to merit an invitation to have knowledge of that particular facet of your life? Why or why not? Have you told others about your strange and haunting desires? How did it go? What level of trust do you personally need to have with a person before considering telling them about your lifestyle?

Personally I would never tell my family. When I was 16 my parents forcibly, for lack of a better term, outed me, then simply said I was wrong. As mother dearest put it "your dad likes to watch cop shows but that doesn't make him evil." True story. I've told a few other, now ex, friends but they used it against me. As of now there are about four non-BDSM people who know my secret and even with them I don't feel entirely comfortable talking about that aspect of my life. But anyhow I'll quit rambling and save the stories for my blog. Let me know your thoughts.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Dec 13, 2020

I was actually the last to know.

No. Seriously.

I've always been pretty much what you see is what you get. And while I don't believe in rubbing anyone's nose in stuff, or in telling secrets that aren't mine alone, I pretty much just did what I did, couldn't be bothered with any labels. And if someone asked a question, then I figured they were grown up enough to hear the answer.

However, my understanding of BDSM was skewed enough despite a collegiate course of study aimed at becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist with a Sex Therapy specialization that I didn't think of myself as into BDSM. My perceptions were skewed enough that whenever it was brought up in my hearing, I pretty much tuned out and moved on.

As far as I was concerned, I was normal. As were the lovely, lovely ladies who shared themselves with me.

No one ever told me I wasn't. Not for a long, long time.

And when I did eventually hit one that saw me as something other than normal, I figured that she was the one who was strange. And moved the fuck on without thinking twice.

I'd been married for a few years when Mom said something that brought me up short. It's been long enough that with my memory issues I can't remember exactly what it was, but it kind of hinted that I was... different. That my relationship with my wife was... strange.

It brought me up short. But, I eventually blew it off since I'd never so much as seen my parents kiss each other, much less me or my sister. And hugs were for special occasions. Hell, Mom had slept on the couch for five years before she kicked Dad out of the armed camp that was my childhood home. And her second marriage... sheesh. The less said about that abusive asswipe, the better. If she hadn't divorced him, most likely one of us would have gone to the morgue and the other to jail.

So, I actually had a loving relationship with my wife. Enough that we enjoyed demonstrating that love and commitment physically. And often. I figured Mom just wasn't sure what to make of it since she hadn't experienced one being a virtual street rat before they took her mother off to an asylum and an aunt and uncle took her into indentured servitude until she married for pretty much the sole purpose of escaping them.

Same for my sister.

And Love's son and daughter from her first sad marriage when she married an abusive ass far beneath her because she figured that was all she could manage "crippled and disfigured."

They just hadn't seen what a healthy relationship looked like is all it was.

The first time I really understood that there was something different about Love and I's relationship (other than actually being healthy and loving) had to do with another couple that hung around us.

I should mention here that I absolutely abhorred the terms "macho" and "Alpha." From everything I ever saw these were self-ascribed labels from little needle-dicks with more balls than brains. A way for little Napoleonic men to beat their own breast and say "look at me! Look at me!"

And one of the quickest ways to wind me up around that table on Friday and Saturday night was to call me one or the other. Much to the hilarity of the other three as I sputtered in outrage and went on to unleash a scathing wit on each in turn.

Then came the night the guy of the couple called me "Dom Daddy." And I almost dislocated his shoulder.

For the next three hours, no exaggeration, the wives tag-teamed me with laughing example after example to prove I was a Dom. (The guy was wise enough to sit and choke on his laughter until he was turning purple... with frequent trips outside to get some air.)

And my answer was, a more and more plaintive, "but, don't y'all do that too?"

They did.

She was his Domme. (Although, later it came out that I brought out a submissive side to her. But, that was much, much later.)

So, Monday, I'm at work. And one of my students that I was pretty close to (not like that!) comes up to me after class and asks if I'm alright. It was lunch break, so I had time. And like I say, we were pretty close. So, I told her that my wife and the other couple had been teasing me about being a BDSM Dom.

She paused and tilted her head with a little smile and said; "you mean you didn't know? I knew that the first day I was shown around the building and saw you."

I sent her on her way. There was just no point in talking to her. And I needed to eat something before my afternoon classes.

So, there I am sitting in the breakroom. And one of the other teachers, a dear friend, asked me what was wrong, that I was unusually quiet. So, I told her about being razzed by my wife and the other couple, and then the student feeding into it.

And they all burst out laughing!

The director, who happened to be there warming up his plate, asked me, "have you seen yourself? The only way you could be more obvious would be if you didn't take off your leather gear once you got to work and carried a bullwhip during your lectures."

Any road, I went off on a research binge to put all these little funny fuckers in their places...

**sigh**

Fine. So, I'm a Dom and Rigger with a subtle but vicious stripe of Sadism.

But, sometimes it still baffles me that there might be others like that one weird chick of my own experience that isn't into this on some level or another. At least the ones in a healthy, loving relationship.

Miki • Dec 13, 2020

Yes.. Thanks 4 asking! Bec I'm proud of it!

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Dec 13, 2020

j prince​(sadist male){J.Prince}
Sacred or Open?
............

You answered your own question.

I don't involved my vanilla life with my lifestyle. Anyone I get involved with has to share my sense of balance and can easily navigate both worlds. To be fair, I don't involve family in my sexual interests or activities anyway. It's none of their business who gets on top. Nor would they discuss that with me.

It's called boundaries.

And yes I have seen occurrences where divulging your interests or activities in this has been used against the person. People have lost jobs. Lost custody of children. Spouses who got into this to save their marriage turning around and using it as a divorce point to a judge because it didn't magically fix everything wrong with that couple.

People have lost or given up a lot to be a part of this real-world lifestyle, which makes your below statement all the more offensive.
............
"Would you ever tell anyone outside of the community about your dabbling in the disciplinary, experimental, taboo arts we call a lifestyle? "

a) I don't dabble.
b) dabbling isn't a lifestyle.
c) I am in a real lifestyle.
d) you sound very uninformed in what it is that we do.
e) you might want to turn off your porn-fed fantasies.

If you are just in this fir the adventure and only see it as dabbling, that is your right. Why would you tell anyone about it? The best solution for this is to make like-minded friends. Get involved in real time groups. Fetlife has lists of groups doing zoom meetings now until they can meet real time. Many groups are learning groups so that you can better understand what this is really about. And then maybe you'll find your place in it or still want to dabble and not get serious.

That is your call.

I will warn you that these groups that use video do have a good amount of rules. You are not permitted to copy anything. You are expected to show your face and follow the rules etc.

It's a start.

MountaintopMaster • Dec 13, 2020

I really appreciated everything you said, Hush, but I'm also not sure why it turned out to be personally offensive to you that someone would mention "dabble", if this is also how you feel about it.

I just always assume that people aren't talking directly to me when they get so descriptive. Maybe they only intended for people who "just dabble" to bother replying?

Anyways, I do totally agree with the things you said. It's usually very smart to stay private, since society at large still is so against all of it. People have lost everything, or just the one thing that matters most to them in the universe.

On the one hand, it is very wise to be cautious, and be able to keep some things private (I wouldn't call them secrets) forever.

On the other hand, it can certainly be unhealthy for that ONE soulmate in your life to still not know such an intimate secret as this.

Somewhere in between lies what will work for you. Whether you're meeting people on a site like this, and thus it is the foundation of your relationship, or you're dating "vanilla" people to start, and then slowly introducing them to your kinky side, ...either way it is going to be extremely difficult to last and stand the test of time; that's just relationships. Honestly? Start with the foundation of BDSDM: gradually built trust and honesty. Not with everybody, but with the one person that matters most to you.

Just my "switching is just dabbling in D/s lite" opinion. I could be totally off base and will let those with more experience do more of the speaking here.

Lexxa​(sub female) • Dec 14, 2020

For the most part I'm open about my lifestyle with others. I'm fortunate that I live in a progressive city and I generally only surround myself with like minded individuals. My brother and I are both kinksters so it's completely normal for us to chat about it in everyday conversation. All of my friends are aware of my lifestyle, most of them are also in some form of alternative lifestyle/relationship as well. I have very few vanilla ties at this point and I purposefully keep it that way.

Re: Sacred or Open?

LordofPain56 • Dec 14, 2020

What I do isn't dabbling, it isn't taboo arts and it isn't a lifestyle. What I do and how I carry myself is who and what I am.


No, I don't trust them for anything. I don't ask them for anything and don't need to and I don't care if they are accepting of alleged social or sexual abnormalities. It's pretty far down my list of priorities to worry about.

The only people who do know that I am a Dominant/Sadist are girls who have proposed in person to want to sleep with me, in which case, I immediately tell them I am a BDSM sadist, or people on BDSM websites who already know by looking at my profile. "outsiders" generally do not know by anything I have said, but some may have suspicions that I am at least an alpha type. (But I am a little miffed at the current direction society is taking with de-masculinization of western culture).

If you feel you might be threated in some way by "outing" yourself, then DON'T !
I am happy with the way I am and what I have accomplished with my life regardless of what someone else thinks of it. There is always going to be somebody who doesn't accept you because you are different from them. You can't FORCE it down their throats, so why try!

j prince​(sadist male){J.Prince} • Dec 14, 2020

So, first off, stfu. U wanna b a toxic ass pos who bitches ab a single fucking word they saw in a perfectly harmless question, be my guest. U wanna act openly disrespectful and try and pick a fight like this cuz thats damn straight what's happening here I can't stop u. Just get tf off my page and go pics your pants over semantics elsewhere cuz im not having that shit here. I used the word "dabble" bc im a writer it's my natural prerogative to use comparatively more colorful synonyms in place of less appealing words. And I have a busy af schedule so I wrote this up late at night excuse me m'lady if the quality was somewhat lacking.

Second, I'm not in this for some grand adventure. I'm no damn tourist out to play pretend and waste someone's time. I find such behaviour egregiously disrespectful. I've lived w these desires my whole life. I've only more recently started really leaning into them and I've done my research but there's a lot so excuse me for not being a seasoned veteran.

Lastly, I swear, nobody on this page better ever make any assumptions, allegations, or insinuations as to my viewing of porn or basing my BDSM lifestyle (used the word lifestyle. Happy?) on porn fantasies. I grew up w a porn addiction and had a hell of a time kicking it so I swear I better not ever read one word of that shit again.

Bottom line is if u got a problem lmk in a respectful manner. One damn word taken out of context wont kill you. I dont have room for snowflakes here.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Dec 14, 2020

MountaintopMaster​(switch male)
17 hours ago • 12/13/2020 2:30 pm
Quote: If you are just in this fir the adventure and only see it as dabbling, that is your right.

I really appreciated everything you said, Hush, but I'm also not sure why it turned out to be personally offensive to you that someone would mention "dabble", if this is also how you feel about it.
......

Oh I'm not at all offended. Not sure why one has to be "offended" to disagree with a statement. Even strongly disagree. As far as dabbling, people who dabble aren't dabbling with floggers, toys or inanimate objects, they are dabbling with people. And harm is done by it more often than people admit.

That offends me, but being direct with someone who clearly has no clue what he is talking about, is just par for the course. Should I stroke his ego? No. I should tell him the truth in basic terms. And if you read his response you will see, he was not looking for the truth.

Thanks for reading.

H*

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Dec 14, 2020

j prince​(sadist male){J.Prince}

"So, first off, stfu. U wanna b a toxic ass pos who bitches ab a single fucking word they saw in a perfectly harmless question, be my guest. U wanna act openly disrespectful and try and pick a fight like this cuz thats damn straight what's happening here I can't stop u. Just get tf off my page and go pics your pants over semantics elsewhere cuz im not having that shit here. I used the word "dabble" bc im a writer...."
.............
No One has to shut up. It's a public forum and we can all respond how we wish. If you just wish to be stroked and humored, say that at the start and I will happily pass by your rubbish.
...........
I'm sorry I couldn't read most of this. Forget grammar, it is barely English. If you want to be read, try not text typing your responses.

You're a writer? I find that hard to believe, but sure OK. lol