Post-traumatic relationship syndrome

Post-traumatic relationship syndrome

Bijela​(sub female) • Dec 14, 2020

What I found regarding this:
Potential Symptoms of PTRS Include:

• Intense fear or rage at the former partner or future potential partners
• Intrusive images/flashbacks/nightmares
• Extreme psychological distress
• Significant changes in eating/sleeping habits
• Significant changes/fluctuations in weight
• Restlessness
Increased anxiety
• Interruptions in cognition
• Challenges with recall
• Hypervigilance
• Feeling intense isolation/loneliness
• Fear of intimate relationships
• Sexual performance issues
• Marked distrust of others and their intentions
Apologizing a lot due to insecurities
Feeling afraid of making another commitment
Feeling distrusting in new relationships
Feeling worthless or unconfident
Feeling relief, then intense guilt
Falling into another unhealthy relationship
Having a hard time letting go

* For myself I have to be honest here and state that I had almost all of these symptoms 7 years ago when my long running toxic relationship ended.
Long story short. Only decided to date twice over the past 7 years. Both very short lived. Just not the one for me. I was also in denial when it came to the effects my past toxic relationship had on me.
This takes me to today. I worked through a lot over the years and was single for 6 of the 7. I have now reconnected with an old friend and fell in love. Something I've never done before. I've had to literally fight every step of the way to allow myself to be loved by this man but I'm still combating some things like...
Apologizing a lot due to insecurities
Afraid of making a commitment (marriage)
Feeling distrusting
Feeling worthless or unconfident
Fear of intimate touching in an non-intimate setting - which leads to...
Hypervigilance - Restlessness - Increased anxiety
Also still have Intrusive images/flashbacks/nightmares of my past when certain things trigger it.

I'm not going to ask if ones have been through this before cause many have. My question is have you been able to get past it and have a healthy relationship?

Devotedsub​(sub female){His} • Dec 15, 2020

I'm very sorry you have experienced this. I think this is more common than many may think. You summed things up very well in your list of symptoms. The worst part are the flashbacks for me. When trying to enter another relationship, they flood my brain and I can't do it. I think toxic things happen in a lot of relationships. We don't always see them when we are in them. After, when we take a step back, we think about everything we could have done differently. I took a break from the cage because my mind just wasn't in a good place. I was looking in all of the wrong places and accepting things I shouldn't have. I'm still pulled in a direction I'm terrified of because I feel I'm just not right for anyone else. I might be attracted to someone else, but my feelings and the flashbacks won't allow me to move forward (both positive and negative). No matter the changes I make to make myself a person that is ready for a relationship, no matter how much I love myself (which I think is so important)... I still struggle to move forward. Everyone I meet, I compare to the person I was in a relationship with. I feel like they simply don't measure up or don't have what I need / want. A lot of honesty here....there were a lot of toxic things that happened in this relationship I was in from both sides. I don't want to experience this again, but I feel (even though I know in my mind it isn't true because people move on all of the time) that there will never be another Dom I can feel the same way about.

Thank you for this post.

MountaintopMaster • Dec 15, 2020

It's unfortunate that we can identify a relationship as very toxic, and yet still feel so many feelings about it when it is over. Your current hindsight, however, is extremely helpful, not only to yourself obviously, but to those who might be out there right now with a lot less than 7 years between them and such feelings! Thanks for sharing.

...Having said that, I can say that I have indeed seen people heal from these types of things, enough to have a healthy long-term relationship again. It may take 10 years, it may take 15, but it happens. The important thing is to gradually be brave and open again. Knowing the red flags you know now, you can go forward and enjoy small friendships here and there, followed by more meaningful long-term friendships, and eventually, falling in love with someone you've known for a while and already trust deeply. (That is, as opposed to trying to fall in love with a stranger, which I can only imagine is terrifying...)

spaceprincess​(sub female) • Dec 15, 2020

To be honest, I haven’t been in a relationship since what happened to me, I do think I’m over it and I’m in a better place now but some part of me it’s kinda afraid, it’s like, I do wanna be in a healthy relationship but am I ready to be in a relationship at all?
It’s a process and I’ll only know If I try.
Xxxx

LittleMissM​(sub female){NotLooking} • Dec 15, 2020

Hi Bijela, it's great that you've met someone else and can openly say you are in love with them, because that in itself shows just how far you've come and is epic. In answer to your question, 'are you able to get past it and have a healthy relationship?' I'm not sure if anything I have to say will help, but here's my experience and 2p for what it's worth

I had a really, really horrendous experience 8 years ago, to the point that by the end of the mindf*ck situation I found myself in, the only thing I was sure he'd been honest about was his name, and even then I was at the point where I wanted confirmation written in blood and signed by both sets of his great grandparents to be absolutely sure. The levels he went to and the lies he told keep me where he wanted me were insane, and he only got caught out because we had a mutual friend who told me something he assumed I knew, and the truth came out. So I feel you on that level of hurt, the kind that takes your breath away because you have given everything and it crucifies you. Especially when you think they are right there with you, despite the ups and downs you go through in relationships, when in reality, they aren't even on the same continent.

Now, I am extremely fortunate in that one of my friends is a sh*t hot therapist and I called him up, went to his house and broke my heart and we talked. It transpired I had patience at levels that would make St. Peter look like the Devil Incarnate, non existent boundaries and I had switched my bullshit klaxon off. But, the whole sorry saga made me turn and face down a few demons I had been running from and so began the path to healing, because if nothing else, I tripped over my self respect, and also took a long hard look at my role and how we'd gotten to the point we ended up at. That is a whole story in itself and I won't bore you with the details, but in hindsight, I am really, really, grateful for what he done. Yes, you read that right - I am grateful. He literally brought me to my knees, and clearly that was what I needed because the level of growth I have had as a person is off the charts as a result.

So I done a lot of reading and research and some more sessions with my pal to discuss my findings, and it came down to this:

Through my fear of trusting anyone else, I was allowing him to dictate how ALL my relationships went on every level, (or didn't go as the case may be), and the whole time I was allowing my actions and my decisions to be influenced by his shabby behaviour, he still had control over me. Now, I can't say that jacket fitted particularly well, but it was enough to fire my ego up and have me start looking at solutions.

There's an amazing speaker called Brene Brown and she talks about the power of vulnerablility, something at the time I was terrified of. She says that we cannot selectively numb emotions and by numbing the painful ones, we also numb the positive ones and that vulnerability is not about winning or losing, it’s having the courage to show up even when you can’t control the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage, and unless you are prepared to risk total heartbreak, you will never find total love. And that was the turning point for me. When I really acknowledged my fear of being hurt again and knowing that even though I couldn't control someone elses behaviour, I had total control over how I responded to them, everything started to change.

In short, I worked on me, my boundaries, my resilience, my self worth and on owning my actions and responses, because we all bring something to the party right? And while I haven't found that person yet, I can honestly say that my relationships in general rock and that's a pretty good 'health' indicator for me.

It's been a journey, and i've been knocked down a couple of times along the way since, but I will always rise, because I know my worth and I know that other peoples behaviour is always about them, just sometimes you get caught in their cross-hairs. Whilst it can hurt like a m*therfuck*r when that happens, I know I will never find that epic-ness if I am not prepared to risk it all.......and so into the fray I continue to go

I still have days when it's a struggle, today is one of them. When your faith in people is shaken and they knock you down, it takes strength to get back up again, but the day I stop doing that, he wins, they win, and the only loser is me. And I am damn sure that isn't how this picture is going to end.

There is an Erin Hanson quote that goes like this:

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

You're a warrior honey and you're badass. Own it, stand for your truth and you can have anything you set your mind to xx

xMx