Why are dominant women the smallest demographic in BDSM?

Closetedfreak • Sep 6, 2021

For the sake of simplicity, and length of post, I'm going to stick with the hetro relationships.

From a purely subjective standpoint it is clear Dominant Females is a smaller group than sub females, dominant males, and especially sub males. We could debate whether this last category is truly comprised of submissive mem, or just men who want to manipulate women into emulating some porn they've seen. Similarly, I've found , the "Dominant Female" category has a fair number of women who I wouldn't consider truly dominant. They are either pro's looking for a market niche, or just women in the dating world who have discovered it's a way to attract men who otherwise would not have been interested in them. The trendy phrase lately is "identify as", so I'll stick with that for the sake of this post.

From the personals section of this site, purely numerical, not an opinion:

Dominant Females - 6 pages
Submissive females - 45 pages
Dominant males - 84 pages
Submissive males - 77 pages

From a logical standpoint, if I chose to be a Dominant male it not only means I'm supposed to get what I want a higher percentage of the time, but I have 45 pages of females to look for a good match. If I'm cursed with these submissive desires, I am setting myself up for the frustration of being subjected to things I might not want and I have 6 pages of females to try for. Again establishing that my desires are not logical.

Conversely, and to the point of the thread, why would ONLY 6 pages of women choose something that stacks the deck in their favor so heavily? DF's have 77 pages of men to choose from and, theoretically, DF's get what they want in the relationship. Over 7 times the number of women choose to identify as submissive, making their search harder and setting themselves up for less personal gratification in calling the shots. If they are Dominant, their search for men just got easier and they may end up getting endless footrubs and housecleaning, or however they choose to use their position.

To explain this, the talk always turns to "society" and the way we are raised, which is probably true to a large extent, but I think it misses the biggest point. It's antiquated, and not PC, to speak of gender roles as innate, but I think there is an innate sexual desire for females to find the alpha male. Especially when you are younger. I always knew the quickest way to chase off a girl was to appear too submissive. As women age I think this innate lustful desire is pushed aside by pragmatism, so some women realize "hey getting what I want isn't such a bad idea".

Anyway all this TLDR is to say don't underestimate our innate desires, and women are hard wired from birth to be sexually attracted to strong, self assured, leaders, which does not often translate to the submissive men category. I know there are Dommes dying to tell me about their alpha male, corporate senior VP, submissive, but no matter how you slice it, and man on his hands and knees kissing your feet just doesn't ring that alpha male buzzer inside many women's innate desires.

I'm Not so Sure that they are..

slutboymartin​(sub male){No} • Sep 6, 2021

Hi Everyone!
Well, who was it that said that Dominant Women are the Smallest Demographic..
I have Not been with Many Sexual Partners in my life & Before You all think I haven't been able to have many are actually wrong, I've had a LOT of Opportunities but I'm very Loyal , I tend to Never Cheat so being in some sort of relationship or another since 15 I have to say that every One of my Ex's in One way or another would incorperate some sort of Femdom or BDSM into the relationship & Two of my partners, One of 9 years and the Other of 17 years were Very Dominant indeed once they felt safe & Comfortable with me, I honestly feel that a Lot of Girls/Women Love being Dominant in fact as many (I Believe) as Like being submissive, I feel that its because a Lot of Men find it uncomfortable to Sexually submit to a Female, they feel that it makes them less of a Man or even Gay (for some unknown reason)..
I personally think that it may be some sort of Repression inside them because they do have Bi or Gay thoughts or feelings but their ego won't allow them to be honest with themselves which is Horrible I have to say...
But, getting back to the point...a lot of Males feel uncomfortable with submitting & their partners who might like to Dominate, She just shrinks In to Herself & Regrets a Lot of Her wasted life later on unfortunately, so I think there's an awfull lot of Women who Do repress their true sexuality until too late, but there's just as many Dominant Women as there are Submissive Women I believe..
They just make a Bad Choice in Relationships & always later regret
It, life's for living Ladies and Gents, there's No Where else you can do this..lol

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 7, 2021

And this right here is why I say generalizing is a mistake. It doesn't say why YOU do what you do.

I remember having to really talk someone into it once. They kept going "Broad label". Shut me down before I could explain things.

Once I did, presto. Instant pot noodle. Things going well.

As for who's "dom", I go by personality. Not labels. Traits like if they ask, if they can play in bad situations. Even statements like being amused at my own expense. All of these are good signs to me. Because it indicates they can enjoy the situation instead of wallowing in it.

Provided someone can be upbeat then I can be. On the flip side if someone is a pessimist then I struggle more.

Regardless of what labels you roll with, I'd say traits like being open minded and being amused even in misunderstandings are good dom traits. Provided your concerns aren't being dismissed.

The problem with soiciety? Expectations. Assumptions. etc. How I do things isn't how others do things. How do most people do things though? So the question is can you prove you're an exception to the rule.

Thotsferatu​(switch female) • Sep 7, 2021

Perfectly said.

I think there may also be an element of wanting to experience more desire from their partners; I hear pretty frequent murmurs from men about feeling as if their desire has to essentially “drive” everything — dating, sex, marriage, etc. Even among those of us in hetero relationships who are less interested in traditional gender roles or expressions have the tendency to passively accept those roles out of habit — the men do the chasing, the women are the chased. So the aggression inherent in being the dominant easily translates to heightened desire. Suddenly SHE is aggressing, SHE is driving things, ergo that must mean she really desires me.

Which I can sympathize with, certainly… but it doesn’t mean that they are prepared to actually BE submissive. Sometimes I get the feeling that some guys have a vision of BDSM being just full of aggressive women who are ready to throw them down and have their way with them and… that’s not really how things work.

And then the constant badgering by tons of no-name/no-face male subs anytime you so much as BREATHE near a new kink space? Yikes. It’s obvious they have no interest in actual trust and relationship building, they just want you to be an on-demand kink dispenser.

Steellover​(sub male) • Sep 8, 2021

I'd like to make a comment on the point that "Closeted Freak" made above, that the quickest way to scare off a woman was to appear too submissive.

While, to an extent people are hard wired, it is also true that a lot of people are shaped by personal experiences, and these experiences define who they are sexually.

My own personal experiences have taught me that the best and most correct way to approach a woman, and to be appreciated as a person, is to be as sexually submissive as possible. Or else, showing any interest sexually, any hint of sexual aggression, or sometimes even showing you may possibly be attracted to them, (!) will brand you a "Creep" or a "Perv" in their eyes. Most of the women who I have encountered, really did not like guys who were sexually aggressive at all. And again, this was my own personal experience.
So, I tempered my behavior due to the negative re-enforcement over the years. Now that was my own personal experience, and I have had several experiences over the years that have reinforced that belief with me. Obviously that is not true with every one, or with every woman! Every experience is different, every woman's wants and needs are different. But then, you add on kink on top of that, well, I suppose that part of my journey was no different then most submissive males on here; when I discovered it, it awakened deep and powerful sexual feelings in me I didn't realize I had.

But I do feel bad for all the pressure the dominant females get on here from desperate male subs. It is partly why I have really toned down my on-line approach to finding a "Kink" partner, honestly.

tpeflrman • Oct 31, 2021

This is the biggest reason I think! The Dominant Women that I know get really fed up of online harassment. They get bombarded and it's hard to find good, compatible sub men inamongst the noise.

It's also true that almost all those I know are partnered or play with several subs as and when.
I think the biggest faction online is men getting off on the idea as an online masturbation tool, without having any real desire at all to submit in real life.

sardonicus87​(sadist male) • Nov 1, 2021

I would say most people period don't know the difference between "top/dom" anr "bottom/sub".

However, just wanted to point out, it's not just a lack of Dominant women. No matter what you're looking at, even vanilla dating sites, men outnumber the women 10:1 everywhere despite the population being roughly 50/50. The men are often desperate and bitter, which doesn't tend to help. Ever wonder why so many swinger groups and parties explicitly ban single men? Because there's too many shit bag males. It's not just a proportion balancing, it's also a safety thing. It's exceedingly rare for a woman to start being abusive because she can't find a willing partner. Yet look at time and time again how many guys go apeshit because nobody will give them the time of day.

But, most women don't need dating websites (operative word being NEED), even less to post ads. All they have to do is to exist and be discoverable and they'll easily be flooded with offers. That's any kind of woman: top, Dom, bottom, sub, vanilla, etc.

Saying that there's 5x more submissive men than Dominant women is basically saying, at least with regards to looking online, that the proportion is the same as anywhere else. Go on FL and go to literally any group for anything and you'll see for every one woman in the group members list, there's 5-20 dudes. The proportions are even worse in groups specifically related to just basically getting laid ("anonymous hookup" groups, etc).

Women are by far the smallest demographic period when it comes to many types of websites like this. Many get run off by thirsty ass douche bag dudes.

But again, that's just looking online. At our local munches and parties, you know, where you meet people who are much more likely to be legitimately kinky, the mix is a lot closer to 50/50 or there even being more women than men. And in my experience running munches, many of the dudes come to one or two and then never come back, whereas a much larger percentage of women come back regularly. It's almost as if half the dudes coming are just looking to get laid and think "kink scene = easy to get laid" whereas the vast majority of women are looking for something legitimate and/or community.

Is it any surprise then that there's "way less women than men" online where it's so much easier for a guy to act like a shit-chucking moron without serious repercussions than in person?

Help me

loyalsubinchastity​(sub male) • Nov 1, 2021

How do I know if my partner is in to being a dominant like what are tell tell signs that she would be dominant or into the things I like such as pegging and 24/7 chastity play I really want to pic her brain we have known each other for 9 years and dating for less then a year I want to introduce her to the lifestyle but I don’t want to scare her off smh I don’t know what to do