How to I find a Mistress without getting scammed

TheProdigy​(dom male) • Mar 19, 2021

Why is it that male subs must educate themselves when female subs don’t.it’s like there is a whole thing built around female subs. Brat tammers and being fiesta and “you have to earn my submission” and such but for men it’s “figure it out”

dollMaker​(dom male) • Mar 19, 2021

@TheProdigy

Absolutely not so, everyone regardless of gender, orientation should before becoming active in the kink scene should srart educating themselves. Come in to this with some knowledge and self awareness and it will aid in several ways. Provide the person with foundational info to recognise risky activity and persons, and have the beginnings of self understanding to find their path into the scene. It is truly shocking how many just jump in head first with no prior research, or understanding of what bdsm actually is, the numerous valid paths to enjoy it, the various activities that can be explored and the various risks in those activities. All of this can be done from the safety of non involvement, ways to prepare to get involved, and should be done in my view.

Being very cautious I dipped my own toes very slowly, and it took a few years to build the courage to approach a few local groups to me to begin, after that a solid 6 months of intensive learning the basics before I was very fortunate to be given some hands on experience. Before that I was learning with fluffy towels and cushions. I got a break because someone liked my mind, the way I was wired and decided to take a chance on me. I know full well that some take years to get such an opportunity, and some haven’t got it yet, so I was very lucky. After my first year active, the next few were much lighter regarding connecting with people. I used that time to continue learning, attending munches, parties and training events, workshops. The time was not wasted as I learnt a great deal watching from the sidelines, and people got to know me better, that lead to relationships forming, both friendships and dynamics, both casual and longer lasting.

It takes time, patience and a bit of luck, and I know its a lot harder when the sub is male, to find the right opportunities, connections, whether thats a dom or domme, as there are less of these people about for male subs. However I think, feel that using the time to take part on the Cage, in your local community in person (after covid), online if they are active there, to learn, to be seen as a nice, genuine person, will be time will spent. Nice, interesting people get spotted, and learning and educating ones self is away of getting prepared for the people that spot you.

I wish you and all looking the best of luck.

MstressWhipplash​(dom female) • Mar 20, 2021

Also it depends why you want to be near a BDSM Mistress.

IF it is solely intended for kinky play then seek a play partner where it is an eglitarian experience where you both make an effort to have a good time together.

IF you want more than kinky play and instead know what you offer (time your heart and eventually your submission) and what you seek (honesty lots of chatting while getting to know each other)

Remember it isn't cool to be pushy or talk kink as the first subject.

If you do you will stifle her Lady Boner and will get ignored.

Use the manners your Mother gave you and utilise social finesse. Talk to her as a whole person while being a whole person.


Mistress Whipplash Ma'am

Eagles Nest​(dom female) • Apr 8, 2021

A suggestion:

*Do 2 lines only of facts who you are like height, weight, color of eye, etc. nothing sexual.
* 2nd 2 lines only what are you looking for in this relationship? List no more then top three things you like to service Mistress the most with and that you know the best.
* 1 line invite to begin conversation ...
* 1 line Thank you and close.
* Enclose a dressed well done picture.
* Then wait.

Female Dominant

Re: How to I find a Mistress without getting scammed

eneemis​(sub male) • Nov 28, 2021

Same situation by years...terrible

Re: How to I find a Mistress without getting scammed

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Nov 29, 2021

Thats code for Im wasting womens time instead of doing the research I should of done before I went looking for sites like this..

MstressWhipplash​(dom female) • Nov 29, 2021

There are online and real time munches to attend. Plus, depending on your area FemDom munches. There are 2 munches a month in central London where I am which I attend.

IF she asks for your money to give her time to you, don't. Join Fetlife and socialise in the many groups for Dominant women/Mistresses/Submissives.

IF you solely want online you will likely get scammed because an actual Dominant woman gets zero from online.

Be aware that a real time romantic relationship where it is a coffee/dinner date just like in vanilla dating occurs.

IF your aim is to get kinky play, go politely book a ProDomme for that fetish service. Simple.



Mistress Whipplash Ma'am

yourbootsownme​(sub male) • Nov 30, 2021

1. Be introspective and determine what kind of submissive you are. This is based on what gets YOU off the most. [[And no, that is NOT irrelevant no matter what some of the fakers may say. Any relationship including Domme/sub, is a mutually beneficial pairing where you both get something you want out of it. ]] Are you more of a service sub, with desires of giving foot massages, doing household chores, and cooking meals? Are you more into pain? Bondage? It goes on and on, There's as many ways to be a submissive - and to be a Dominant - as there are days of the year. Knowing what kind of submissive you are is paramount to finding a Dominant that fits with you. "I want to be dominated" is as vague and meaningless as "I like music."

2. Now you know what kind of submissive you are. But aside from your good looks and sparkling personality, it's time to sit down and determine what you bring to the table. What use can a Dominant make of you. Plainly stated, it's not hard for a Domme to find someone who enjoys a particular kink. So how do you stand out? What can you DO? If you're looking for more than a bit of play at parties, and want something deeper and more serious, you're going to need to have something to offer. And then it will need to be something the prospective Domme needs or wants or can make use of.

3. Let's look at #2 again. What is it you want to get out of a relationship with a Domme? What's the reasonable ideal? Serve when needed, with occasional play, no further strings? Do you aspire to be a regular play partner? Can you handle being one of many, or on a secondary or tertiary level to the Domme? Are you looking to build a full-time monogamous or mostly monogamous relationship? What are your expectations? You need to know and understand what you want, what you hope for, what you can accept, and what your minimum requirements are. Because, if you don't know, how the heck can you express them to others when asked?

4. So now you have at least a basic understanding of who you are, what you want, and what you have to offer. Find local groups (I've noticed Fetlife is better suited for this than other sites). Attend a munch for that group (which is meant for introductions and orientation, so you can have a clear idea of the tules and expectations for that particular group). Once you've done that, and shown yourself to be at least moderately attentive, intelligent, and sociable, you can probably attend one of their play parties.

5. You're ready for your first play party? Good. Go to one. Spend a lot more time watching from a distance than anything else. Get a feel for who is with who, who is more interested in newcomers, what goes on, what kind of play happens. Learn by watching. If someone asks you to play a bit, trust your gut. If it interests you, do it. If not, politely decline and point out it's your first party. TALK TO THE SUBS! Let them guide you with hints. Because this is your first party, you shouldn't have volunteered for any special service because you don't know what you're getting in to. But offer your services as needed. What can I do to help here? Take out trash, do dishes, serve food...and for f's sake, if there was a sign-up list to bring food or something else, SIGN UP AND BRING EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD, taking care to try and pick something that seems to be in short supply (if there are four people bringing entrees, bring a dessert. Or some side dishes. Or ice...ice often gets overlooked). Look for those lists before the event, and if you can't find one, ask one of the Admins where it is or what you can bring. This isn't about showing you can spend a ton of money, but simply showing you understand that your participation includes helping make the event a success.

6. If you think you're ready, volunteer for something for the NEXT event. While following the guidelines for the group, be friendly and sociable with everyone you can (Dommes AND subs...it is NOT infrequent that a committed sub can introduce you to a Domme that might be a fit for you). Explore more, and if you fele up to it, see if there are any play opportunities.

7. Read every message in the groups online forum (whichever website they have it on) and watch for needs. It is not at all uncommon that a Domme will ask for help with a simple task. Moving to a new place, rearranging their existing place, yard work, cleaning...it can be anything from driving someone to an appointment to helping set up a website, you never know what it might be. But if you CAN help, help. It doesn't matter if the Domme in question is not a fit for you. As long as they're a member in good standing with the community you've introduced yourself to, your help will undoubtedly be mentioned or noticed. Like all social circles, while the end goal may be to meet the right person, the path to that goal is connecting with as many people as possible, and ensuring those connections are positive in nature.

8. Above all, as you meet Dommes and subs, get a feel for who is open to helping guide you through the maze. Friendly, helpful folks who have a lot more experience than you but who remember how confusing things can seem. They'll have the best tips, hints, and ideas.

9. If the community you've selected doesn't feel "right" initially, don't abandon it, but look for another in the area. Unless there's major regional drama going on, it's not a situation where there's particular animosity between local groups. It's simply that people with similar tastes and personalities tend to congregate together. If you haven't found that group, keep looking, while maintaining a presence in the current one.

There's some ideas and thoughts on how to go about things. And there are countless other paths to follow, which may be very different from the one I just mapped out.

Steellover​(sub male) • Dec 1, 2021

^Best post of the day right here. Really great, helpful advice that should be pinned as recommended reading for new male subs.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Dec 7, 2021

Nope it's not