Ethical Non-Monogamy

slaveMikayla​(sub female){MstrJ } • Feb 19, 2021

Thank you DA,
I realized in reading it back there was one aspect of my reply missing...
Why would a Dominant WANT to be the non Primary Dominant in a poly situation such as the last I described...
in the case of the last example I gave it was because the Dominant in question had many different sides to His own Dominance that like the OP could not as easily be addressed by a single submissive. He had a slave, a bottom, a heavy massochistic bottom, and a babygirl. For Him, he preferred NOT to have his heavy massochistic bottom also be his babygirl. It was too difficult for Him to switch those parts of His brain around and that was incohesive for Him. In that case, I was His babygirl. He did not NEED or desire me to be exclusive to Him. I was there for the gentle parts of His soul, the joy, the humor, I was his "pick me up" and He was my "stone shelter." He did not really NEED or desire to set a ton of rules for me, He more needed and desired to act as a mentor and guide. That gave him immense personal satisfaction, as did it me.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Feb 19, 2021

Sorry... sorry!!

I was going to stay away. But I have a comment.

I have spoken with poly individuals that say BDSM and poly don't, and to an extent shouldn't go together. That a Dom should not be a Polygamist and that polygamists should not operate under D/s dynamics. Don't try and be the best everything, kind of thinking.

So where I am confused is two part.

A) DaddyAnt - not so much confused, but I hope you spend a lot of time understanding that you 'turned' poly as the result of a relationship, and reactive things can work out, but take substantially more work to maintain... since you are only just now making changes because you or your specific partner has made it an option. That always worries me if you are doing it for the right reasons for you or them. Not my place, so I make no judgment.

Faith. You said in the same forum that the point is to be "deliriously happy" and make no compromise, but then contradicted yourself by saying each D needs to get together and compromise with each other, give up something they may want from that particular submissive because there are other D's I the picture. I get that those D's can then go get another s to fill that part that is missing... but essentially, they are not deliriously happy with that one s? It is very convoluted.

Disclaimer, I am not challenging what anyone chooses to do. I understand that Polygamists each have their own way of operating as well and the ones I am friends with do not make up the individuality of the group. But there is something to be said that when you try and have too much, you end up with less and just overburdened. I feel like that in the working world all the time. Would I change it? Nope. Kudos to the people that choose this life, I just haven't felt the "everyone gets to be eternally happy" that everyone keeps summarizing. In many ways, it seems more difficult.

slaveMikayla​(sub female){MstrJ } • Feb 19, 2021

Oracle Pollen, I've gone back and reread my response twice I'd ask you to do the same. Can you point to any place where I said a Dominant would compromise their wants or needs such that they are not deliriously happy? I understand that you internalized it that way, but that is not what indeed was written. I said they meet and DISCUSS and AGREE. In my second reply I stated that He PREFERRED. None of those words or statements connote compromise.
I'm not stating that compromise is never made, but your statement that my post is convoluted is an incorrect internalization of what was indeed written.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Feb 19, 2021

Thank you,

I can see that they are not mutually exclusive that discussion and agreement may not require compromise.

MrFulmen • Feb 19, 2021

Sinclair Sexsmith has some neat things to say on the cruchy details of combining nonmonogamy and power exchange: http://sugarbutch.net/2019/01/outermost-bracket/

The gist of it is that it can be valuable to have a clear agreement on whether your power exchange agreements defer to your nonmonogamy agreements, or the other way around.

If nonmonogamy takes precedence for someone, then they're probably going to want their power dynamics to have limits that say that they don't interfere with one another. Someone they're submitting to doesn't get authority over who else they date and how and when.

Whereas if power exchange takes precedence, then maybe the dominant partner does get to say stuff like "You can date other people on weekends but weekdays belong to me," or "Get my permission before taking a new partner."

MrFulmen • Feb 19, 2021

FYI: "Polygamy" refers to a very different kind of practice than polyamory or consensual nonmonogamy.

In terms of literal definition, polygamy means one man having multiple wives. It's gendered in a way that polyamory and consensual nonmonogamy are not.

Beyond the difference in strict definition, the words are used by very different cultures and have different connotations. Polygamy tends to refer to a practice within patriarchal cultures with "women as property" kinds of values, where particularly rich or powerful men can accumulate multiple women in a socially sanctioned way. Think Mormons and Saudis. Polyamory and nonmonogamy are terms invented by a counter-cultural movement that aims to create more space for people to love, fuck and connect in whatever ways work for them.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Feb 19, 2021

I appreciate that,

and what you have said. Will endeavor to use proper terminology, since I have a tendency to wonder literally about something when I am curious and being what brought me here.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 20, 2021

I noticed a few different things that have come up since I was here most recently.
In terms of a sub having multiple Doms, this is tricky, and does depend on the style of the dynamic. Obviously, a 24/7 TPE scenario could be especially difficult to split between multiple D type players, but compromises like shared dominance could work.
My personal situation works because of how multifaceted my partners and I are in terms of our kink pursuits.
In the kink sense, I am not much interested in being a Daddy Dom. I am very paternal and doting in my vanilla life, it simply does not translate to the kink side of things.
I am, however, very much a sadist, Primal Top, and authoritarian. As such, I tend to fill these roles with my partners. My nesting partner has a Daddy Dom, and for the most part, our spheres of control are separate.
The few overlaps tend to concern her overall well being, and fit into the realm of shared Dominance.

It is important to understand that non-monogamous folks deal with the same issues that the monogamous do. We have jealousy, pride, self worth, and other issues that tend to drive the need to be the one and only. The only difference is that, in weighing the pros and cons, we have determined that the rewards outweigh the difficulties. It also helps to be very open and forward with your emotional place, so that everyone can help you through trials like these.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Feb 21, 2021

I previously said there's a lot of mono in poly.

We exist. And if the situation isn't handled carefully, we're in danger.

The time you spend with someone is the time you spend with them. What happens between the two at that current point in time is between the two of them. There's no logical reason to limit happiness and interactions.

But there is a logical reason to trust person A with situation X yet person B with situation Y. Be they doms or not. One could be more observant. The other might simply have a more steady hand.

It's the "situation". You can't just trust ALL of a person if you don't know about each and every situation. You do not know if person B is more or less capable with some things if you never talked about enough or asked enough (or observed enough).

Living conditions also factor in of course. But basically, "everyone is in control". That includes the sub/slave. Yea, sure, they might like guidance. But the reality is your own decisions are your own. And if I'm being told about your current partner, I'm treating that like 2 doms. It's a power struggle. With using the simple logic of "Why should our happiness be limited" and "No one replaces each other" (while making sure things remain fair) it ends up checking out.

In other words focus on "Our happiness" and "What's fair for all involved". If person A's happiness comes at the expense of person B, chances are person A struggles more with balancing things out fairly because they get lost in their own happiness. Which in turn affects the person in the middle. Person C. The sub/slave in this case.

Subs/slave can lack confidence. This can lead to silence. When it's two doms, provided neither is a "back turner" that acts entitled to have their way alone, just talk things out. But if one is avoiding communication then that's going to be toxic/unhealthy for all involved. This could put the subs/slaves sanity in danger even.

I was made to choose between people once. It's for that reason I'll never put anyone in that situation. Just make sure we can have our happiness and being happy with whoever else is no issue. But we're certainty focusing on OUR happiness.

As for those that do have an issue with it, that's where the jealousy/fair talks come into play. Along with topics like "exposure" which changes comfort levels. You actually can learn to enjoy even what you don't tolerate. With a good enough reason of course. The sub/slave is that reason in this situation. Which in turn affects other things. Depending on the peoples wants/needs and such. That part will vary of course.


I'm the best at everything I do. If I struggle in a situation, I aim to do better.

We all do things differently with a good enough reason.

If I had a penny every time someone said "never happen" then they contradicted themselves (in various situation) I'd be rich.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Feb 22, 2021

There was a time when Fetlife was my home. Then 2-3 years ago Poly took over. Thread after thread after thread. Then drama after drama after drama. It was everywhere except ( maybe) the world events threads.
Here’s the bottom line as I see it. Poly is challenging ( euphemism of the millennium for me. )
I’ve tried it twice a three year situation and the other one I recently had hypnotized out of my memory- do I couldn’t say.
I have read( key word) about the beautiful, successful polycules and chutes and closed triads and open circus tents that have changed ppl’s lives for the better bc their hearts are bursting with love, and there’s enough for everyone, and once people let go of their base instincts jealousy will cease to.. so I’ve heard the pitches. I’ve heard the pitches were some flaws and batteries even come included.
It still hasn’t worked for me.. not sure how ‘parallel, non-hierarchical’ Poly that’s extremely‘hierarchical’ in reality COULD have worked but hey man love is powerful.
I know this for sure: it’s really F’ing hard. The only time I’ve seen happy Poly ppl off the written page is when it just so happened that no more than 3-4 ppl really, and near-equally ( bc equal MY FOOT! Everyone had a favorite kid, Dom and sub) ‘ in love AND list’ and they were ALL willing to spend tremendous amounts of time working on their interwoven relationships.( hate me if you want but I have a habit of writing what other ppl know and feel.
In a BDSM lifestyle where we never( hopefully) stop learning and growing, and one of the beautiful benefits of being here can be that super-Intense, super-connected and intimate bond that is built in a similar way to a productive poly_____( choose you own adventure) situation... it seems like a lot. Relationships filled with all the best ingredients still take a F*load of time and patience between two ppl in the lifestyle, but that I’ve seen irl time after time, lasting decades, growing stronger...
A storm reaches Idaho on Wednesday and depending on the storm touches down in NY on Sat... Poly, the all-consuming topic hits Fetlife a few years back and touches down on Cage in a big way in the last few months. Suggests it’s part- just a LITTLE part mind you, fad.
What OP said about reactive - I have thought that about ppl a million times when they make the decision to just be Poly.I’m still not even sure if one GOES poly or is already and always was that way. That freaks me out- bc I’m unsure as we all are of so much about it and yet- hard to believe by now I’m sure: I’m not for it against just.. what’s the rush ?