Possessiveness

poppyclaire​(sub female) • Mar 2, 2021

I do find it off-putting to be told not to talk to other people or to be told no other doms on day one of talking to someone (some folks get so pushy sometimes, like I don't even know you sir).

In terms of possessiveness, like alawey said I like feeling wanted. I'm all for the 'I'm yours and just yours' bit of things under the right circumstances but I guess the difference is I don't do controlling very well. If my dom wants some sort of exclusivity and is possessive especially sexually then fine, I'm not open to being told what to do with my profile or who to talk to though.

I'm also unclear about how this works with romantic real world relationships either. I know for a lot of folks there is no difference, but for those who this is just play, does your Dom saying no other Doms mean you can't pursue in rl relationships?

Bunnie • Mar 2, 2021

I am perfectly fine with being told not to speak to whoever my Master doesn’t want me to speak to. And I am perfectly fine with possessiveness. I don’t tend to see possessiveness and jealousy as the same thing. Nor do I see aggression as an element of these.

A defining moment for me was when I finally understood that being a slave wasn’t simply about information. It’s about being aligned with one’s Master. That can’t be taught in books, nor learned from outside sources. That can only come from the Master. Some Masters like to restrict the amount of outside influence that their slave may be subjected to, for any number of reasons. Toxic people, toxic family members or friends... but not even necessarily toxic... they could simply prefer to not have the influence of “do-gooders” or people who believe they’re spokespersons or mentors or trainers or simply believe they know best. Interfering outsiders can be very detrimental to either a dynamic that is becoming established, or a newly emerging slave. It can create a lot of confusion.

From my own observations, this approach is often very misunderstood. What is always overlooked is the fact that this level of power exchange isn’t rushed into by those who practice mindful power exchange. I’m not going to give anyone any amount of control over me if I don’t trust them to make decisions that are in my best interests.

People who don’t believe that it’s possible for someone to think for themselves, tend to believe that a situation like this is *always* dangerous. However, as with anything... there will always be those who are a poor representation of how to approach anything less mainstream in a realistic and responsible manner... and unfortunately they tend to be the loudest voices that are heard when their experiences end poorly... so oftentimes the (mis)information carried forward is fear based.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 2, 2021

In reality it doesn't work that way. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can just "separate" yourself. YOU have a draw to what you refer too as possessiveness. The REAL you. Which is why you enjoy it in the roleplay. But this appeal does NOT go away when you walk outside a door. Nor does any harm that may happen if you turn a blind eye to that.

Your explanation can be misleading. You may or may not have or develop negative destructive possessiveness traits. So let's cover the possibility.

This can and does affect every other aspect of your life. And if you pretend otherwise, if you ignore that reality then it could end up putting you in some very real danger. Such as out of the blue situations happening and then relationships being destroyed altogether because you turned a blind eye to it. Have a good time, sure. But there's REAL reasons for why people enjoy (or dislike) what they do.

Now, it's one thing to be with someone in the moment. And make it about each other. This is fine. Rough context. One on one time. Important. However, jealousy can be destructive. And is a very ugly and viscous beast. Do you have any feelings of jealousy, or a fear of not being able to have the time with people if conditions change? If so then this has to be taken into account. For your own safety. And possibly sanity.

Love also isn't selfish. This touches on other topics. You might want to grab some food and get comfy in a chair. If we're having to get really nitty gritty with topics like these then it could take a while. But let me try to pre-empt some concerns. Jealousy is countered with exposure. Intolerance (of anything really) can be turned into tolerance and then turned into fun. Due to exposure. Basically, it's about the "acceptance". When people enjoy being toyed with and used, they're accepting you. Which might shed some light in regards to the appeal of possessiveness.

shortylotus​(dom female){ValueDom} • Mar 2, 2021

I think sometimes there can be a fine line between a possessive Dom and a jealous boyfriend. An example would be in a poly relationship the Dom may establish rules such as the sub is not allowed to be tied up or engage in sexual activities involving more then one man. These rules have the subs best interest at heart. They will help ensure that she is not hurt or being violated by someone. On the flip side I have had a Dom once establish rules such as i am only allowed to have sex in a missionary position with the lights on. Conversations could only be conducted laying on our backs hands crossed on our chest lights on for 10 mins after missionary sex. For me these rules may seem for my benefit but in reality they were more for his benefit and feeling insecure about me being with another man. I guess at the end of the day whether we talk about the Dom or the sub it depends on what works for individual dynamic between the two people.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 2, 2021

Those same rules can also cause mental insatiability for the sub. You're being one sided here.

If someone finds it safer to be in an orgy with people they know and this is easier to happen, then it is easier and may well be safer. People have to learn to take risks, or they'll never learn to face conflict and then will be unable to face it. Which means they won't be able to handle it.

If someone is LIMITED (and thus HAPPINESS is limited) to only one person at a time, this cold actually put someone in a position where they have despair and depression.

The reason for this won't be because they "can't" interact with more then one person at a time. The reason for this may well be because their happiness is limited. Period. Happiness is never something to be limited.

Warn. Advise. Full and fair warning, always. I make sure I establish this myself. Been in those poly situations actually.

But limit happiness itself? Never. Safety first with warnings. But it has to be THEIR choice. And if you punish someone for meeting two people that know what they're doing, if they're not even allowed to meet those two people, who may even end up helping them be braver and face their fears, then that's the catch 22 right there. What if the good intentions backfire and someone ends up in a situation where they curl up in a corner and cry their eyes our because they're not ALLOWED to love?

I've been there. I've seen it happen. Under no conditions will I ever "limit" interactions with others or let mine be. Frankly, it's how I went insane in the past. "Made to choose". It took a long time of getting through to both people. Got there in the end though. But it did cost me my mind at the time.

And by that I mean I went insane, isolated myself, lost my emotions... You get the idea.

So, you might want to reconsider how that rule affects people after that. Where you see "danger" it may well be "happiness". And vice versa.

If anything has ever caused more harm, beyond ignorance, it's good intentions. It's the assumptions. And I know for a fact too many people don't get the THIRD persons side of the story before making a choice. This is a BLIND situation. And violates awareness. Not a judgement I can trust. And also why I go out of my way to inform everyone if they're involved. Regardless of situation.

shortylotus​(dom female){ValueDom} • Mar 2, 2021

I understand what your saying. Maybe I should have clarified this better. When I said not letting her be with two men at once, I was referring to two men that are not known. Once trust has been established, then it would be allowed. The point was not allowing your sub to be in a potentially harmful situation.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Mar 3, 2021

I do, in fact, separate these things. Quite effectively, I might add.
I engage in possessive play, while truly considering possessiveness a weakness of the spirit brought on by poor self esteem.

I help my partners to feel desired by spending time with them, bettering myself for their benefit, and holding their opinions in high regard.

I see a certain romanticism applied to both the idea of possessiveness and the view that we constantly struggle against our nature, what we want, and the fact that we cannot control it.
Personally, I have never placed much stock in this concept. I believe the core element of humanity is the utmost ability to control your drives and that putting faith in the idea that we lack the ability to choose in all capacities is merely an attempt to justify making a choice we know is not what is best for us.
I am not saying that it is wrong to make these choices, but to bury responsibility in such convoluted reasoning then to revel in the misery it creates seems like an odd way to define yourself.

I have always viewed possessiveness along the same lines as the ostrich that buries its head in the sand. You hide from potential because you fear one possible outcome, eliminating the possibility of so many others in the process.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 3, 2021

Some strangers can be trusted quickly. You seem to have a concern of "stranger danger".

It depends on wherever the sub (and dom) in question can be observant enough to sense dangers/flaws in others. As well as how to address them.

Me, I can sense and address. And the danger you see might not be the biggest danger. If for example someone has a gun, that person could still be loyal if understood. Which can happen very quickly with the right approach to the situation.

If however an unarmed person is so pig headed and anti social that they only see their own thoughts/opinions alone, this is actually a bigger flag to me.

I can handle and defuse a gun. Even had that guy kiss my hand as we parted in peace.

But a closed minded person refusing to consider anything other then their own thoughts/opinions alone? I can do it. But it's going to take some doing. And a lot more time. Being misunderstood really has a way of killing the mood.

It's also worth noting that if you play it too safe, you might not let the sub get the experience to defuse those kind of volatile situations. Mistakes have to be made to learn what's at risk. The "full and fair warning" approach lets people know the danger. You might want to "avoid" the situation. But all it takes is one bad day. Examine the above situations. Plan and prepare for both. When you might not be able to be there for whatever reason. Is the sub prepared? Are you even trying to do so?

And if a sub gets traumatised after that warning, then do they really need to be punished after suffering a mental break down?

It's all a bit of a minefield. But that's exactly why it has to be taken into consideration very carefully.

Look out for nice people in suits btw. Some people deal with secrets and deceit and will use and discard you. The illusive Man from mass Effect comes to mind. Anyone dealing with secrets in any capacity has to be challenged, and challenged hard. It's the only way you'll gain their loyalty. Meanwhile that rough around the edges person could EASILY be loyal provided you're simply honest and upfront with them.

Basically, it's all about the honesty. As long as I make that my main concern, I can bypass all other dangers. It's people that keep you in the dark that threaten/endanger your mental well being. Because then you don't even know where you stand. Let alone being able to do something about the situation you're in.

Calm and honest person with gun on the left. Unarmed person on the right that talks down on people and is a bully. Person with a suit and honeyed words and smiles in the middle. Let's say you have to pick one. Which one would you go for?

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 3, 2021

Your desires don't just magically stop existing when you're out the door.

What you're actually doing is letting your guard down inside that door. But then you keep it up when you go out that door. Basically, you "heighten" certain instincts/desires. But it STILL existed before you went through that door. It's actually impossible to separate because it's always a part of you. It doesn't come and go by magic. You're basically hitting that on switch.

But what if you can hit that switch outside of that door? What if you don't need to keep your guard up when stepping out?

It has to do with the "trust" factor. See, a lot of people only really know one or two people. Think they have to be open and honest with only those people.

But if you're open and honest with everyone, and let people take offence to how "odd" you are, I find I don't need to step in any doors at all. I still have my switches. But it's not dependent on location. It's dependent on "situation". It's not "separation". It's more... choosing when to let loose or remain in complete control. It all depends. We all have that "instinct" side and "control" side. Even animals have both sides (Example: A lion carefully stalking before pouncing and chasing)

A lot of people struggle to make that kind of choice. Or otherwise don't yet have enough of a reason to get them to automatically flip those switches. So they might not yet have that kind of ability. That's where incentive/reasons comes into play. Everything we do is one moment and then the next. It might FEEL like separating. But it's always there. Lying just under the surface. Some people can control it. Some struggle. It's the people that use their brains that can tap into that potential.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Mar 3, 2021

It is not a desire. I am, at best, neutral on the role play; legitimately disdainful of the character trait. I take in the role because it appeals to some of my subs, and as a Dom, I love the challenge.

Much like my violence and rape role play, I have no desire to actually hurt someone in these ways. The difference here is that the appeal of this type of role play exists, both for me and the subs with whom I engage in this type of play.

I am fully capable of turning it on and off, primarily because I am a Dom; not some sort of opportunistic psychopath. Kink is in no way an outlet for some sort of horrific compulsion I have. It is an opportunity to explore a horrific interest I choose to embrace. There is an enormous difference, especially when you play like I do.

My decisions to engage are based in morality and fully within my control, as they should be.